Saturday 24 November 2007

Waiting for my flight to HK

The day has arrived and I'm at the airport waiting for my flight to Hong Kong. I am quite lucky that I have somehow been upgraded to World Traveller Plus and given access to the BA lounge. It's all thanks to my friend who has been very kind to me and I will have to treat her to dinner or at least give her some flowers!

Anyway... many people have been asking whether I am excited that I am going to HK. And to be honest I'm not. I love the experience of being at the airport, but HK, as a destination, is not a great holiday place. I really like going back to see my grandmother, but other than that, there's not much to do.

In fact this time I am going back alone and there's not a single member of my family. I'm fending for myself! LOL

Actually another reason why I'm not as happy about going back to HK this time is the fact I am going to be with my friend and his recent ex. It's an awkward situation and I don't know how it will turn out. This could be a very LONG week or it could be very short... I'll just have to wait and see!

Tuesday 13 November 2007

My 24 hour 'bug'

Ok, I'm not actually ill with a bug in the normal sense, but something 'bugged' me for 24 hours.

I had lost my bluetooth headset. It's not a major issue as I find I am using it less and less these days. But the fact remains, I wanted to know where it was so that I COULD use it if I wished. I searched high and low and turned my room inside out, but I could not find it. I even looked in my car whilst just in shorts and T-shirt in the middle of the night, but to no avail...

For the next 24 hours I constantly thought about where I could havd left it and where I used it last. But I couldn't remember. I had to let it lie and all I could do was contemplate whether to buy a new one or wait till my upgrade is due so that I may get a free one. The normal wired headset could suffice for a couple of months... but it REALLY bugged me!

I am one of those people who are not happy until problems are resolved. I cannot just 'let it be'. It's something that has become apparent to my work colleagues who I am brutally honest, but ultimately professional, with them. If something is not right I will want it corrected, if I need something done, I expect it to be done.

Anyway, I am deviating. In the end I cleared my head whilst going to the gym and I knew full well the bluetooth headset had to be in my car. Where in my car, I did not know, but it was there. Considering it is only a 2 seater it cannot really go far. So after the gym I searched for it under the seats, and lo and behold... THERE it was! Under the passenger seat!

You cannot imagine the happiness I felt at that point. It was a sense of satisfaction, knowing I had solved a problem.

I guess a healthy body equals a healthy mind. Having been to the gym so frequently I am certain I am in the best shape since my teenage years. My heart is stronger; I am stronger both physically and mentally. And I need to be prepared for when I go to Everest in 3 months time.

So, my 24 hour 'bug' came and went... In the end I just needed to be patient and keep a clear mind...

Thursday 8 November 2007

Family, Tradition, Health and Mount Everest

It’s been another long wait for a new blog. People with little complaints have little to say I suppose.

Last time I left feeling rather relaxed and chilled out. Other than dishing out my, limited, words of advice to a number of people I have been put under a bit of stress. Some my own doing and some from others close to me.

Firstly I want to talk about a conversation I had with my mum one night last week. It was quite intense and I really opened up and said exactly how I felt. The flow of the conversation stemmed from the desire of the younger generations (me and my cousins) to go out and do their own thing whilst the parents are very much against it. For example, taking part in amateur Thai Boxing fights which my 17 year old cousin is very interested in, and the fact my brother is looking to buy a second commercial property to open another coffee shop.

My parents and their peers are very protective of us, their children, and rightly so! But sometimes this is very suffocating a leaves us doubting our own abilities and the desire to better ourselves due to the ‘fear’ that they drive into our minds from their limited experience. I argue that they have built success upon calculated risks and with literally no capital and no education, whilst we have the backing, if necessary, and education to emulate and supersede their success really.

What it all boiled down to is the fact that our parents have provided us with such a platform from their hard work, they are reluctant to let us fall and fail. But I argue that it is in failure that we learn and succeed. This led to the argument of the children not respecting the parents and forgetting our ‘traditions’. The ‘tradition’ of please the parents in everything that we do and ensuring they do not have to ‘worry’ about us. Now this is where I opened up and told my mum exactly what I thought about her and her ‘worries’.

At no point do my cousins or I disrespect our parents and our elders. We are very much a close knit family and the only vice any of the family has is that a few of them smoke. No one takes drugs, no one is addicted to gambling, no one is linked to any ‘Chinese Organisations’ and we do relatively little to make our parents worry. But is that fair on us? In keeping our parents ‘sweet’ are we not compromising our integrity and own ambitions? My mum said there should be give from both parties, but the problem is that each individual places a different emphasis on what is most important.

To my cousin, Thai boxing maybe his top priority, but because he wants his parents not to worry he is not going to take part. However, for the parent, they may view drinking heavily as the most negative action which they want stopped whereas my cousin may think its nothing out of the ordinary. Each individual has a different perception to actions which may seem minor to one but major to another.

I stressed that no matter what we, as children, do, we cannot control our parents emotions and how they feel. Whilst we may think we are doing something that does not warrant our parents to worry, they may view it very differently.

This tradition of pleasing the parents is out of date then, I argued. My mum was not accepting this and said this is how it has been for generations in China. I said we are in UK and if these traditions exist, then we have no chance to excel because we will not be allowed to take risks. This did not go down well, but then I have always been strong minded. Although I did reassure my mum that whatever I did I always considered her and my fathers concern first.

All this happened in amidst 3 members of the family going into A&E and private clinic for various conditions and planned operations.

My 41 year old uncle and his dad, my grandfather both went into A&E due to stomach pains. My uncle had appendicitis and inflamed intestines and required immediate operation to remove the appendix and some of the large intestine. My grandfather has gall stones. He knew about them 5-6 years ago but chose to ignore them as they we too small to worry about at the time. Unfortunately he left it too late to get them removed as he developed an infection so he had to be on antibiotics and also be on a drip as he could not take any food due to the pain. Finally my dad went to have keyhole surgery on his left shoulder to remove excess bone which prevents full mobility in his arm.

All three are now out of the hospital and clinics, but my grandfather will not have the gall stones removed in December. My dad is recovering well, but is feeling tired due to being fatigued and jet lagged after returning from HK and also from being under general anaesthetic.

Our lives and our health is never questioned until something bad happens. I, on the other hand, have chosen to remain fit and healthy by eating right and exercising regularly. I know that healthier people than me have dropped down dead in an instance, but I can only do what I can, which coincides nicely with my now booked trip to Mount Everest Base Camp.

Tonight I got home from work and had dinner. I sat down half changed and ready to go to the gym, but I felt drowsy and heavy eyed. I almost fell asleep but forced myself to get in the car and drive. Once step at a time and once I hit the road, I knew I had won and I was going to have a good workout at the gym. My drive is now to get fit and ready to trek Everest for 8 hours a day, 11 days straight, culminating to reaching a height of 5500m on the highest mountain in the world. I can’t wait!

My next immediate diversion is a week off to Hong Kong to see my grandmother and to see some friends. Other than taking a week off in March to go to Hong Kong and another week off to work at my brothers café, I have not taken any holidays this year. I still have 4 days left to take which I will carry over for next years trip to Everest in February. I might also try to go to Hawaii next summer to see the sunrise whilst coasting down 38km of an active volcano on a bike.

I think I just need to set personal targets all the time… in fact we all do really, otherwise we will never move forwards, only sideways.

Tuesday 23 October 2007

New friends, old friends and some words of wisdom?

I have been pretty lazy lately… I guess I have nothing to complain about which is why I haven’t been blogging.

Lots has happened and I have found myself a couple of friends to keep me occupied. They are so funny and cheeky and they definitely keep me on my toes! Nope, not just any old mates. I got myself a couple of Russian dwarf hamsters! Soooo much fun but also a real handful. Very cute though! :D

Anyway, back on topic…

My life hasn’t been going that well in love, life and career… but yet I have found myself dispensing advice to numerous individuals. There are a couple asking me for advice on love lost and love emerging… people turning to me for advice on a career change and someone looking to start their own business… another friend confiding in me to keep a personal secret until he is ready.

Of all the people they know, why pick me? I really do not know.why.

My life is in no way perfect and I am struggling to find a way out… Love? Ha… what a joke! Career… well, I have a job but what are the prospects?

Nonetheless I am in a stable position at the moment and to be honest I am biding my time and planning my trip to Everest. I have not smoked for almost 10 months now. I feel healthy, I look fitter and more toned and I have improved my fitness. I have my family and a newborn cousin… so really what else do I need in life?

What do we need in life? We need food and shelter, friends and family around us… We need our health and anything more is a bonus. Maybe we expect too much in life which is why I am much less demanding of people and much more forgiving of others.

I guess it’s my laid back nature that makes me approachable to others… Sometimes I wish I have someone to turn to myself. And in a way I do… Here.

Sunday 30 September 2007

Feeling down...

Lately I have been feeling pretty low. Life is passing me by and I am going nowhere. Since my injury I haven’t been able to go to the gym which has not really helped. It’s been 3 weeks and though the knee is somewhat recovered, the ankle has not. It is very disconcerting to be injured for so long. I am getting worried enough to consider going to get my knee and ankle checked professionally, though I also fear hearing the result too.

Last weekend I went out to celebrate my friends birthday singing karaoke. A typical Chinese means of celebrating and though I don’t really sing, I had a good time. It lasted till the early hours of Sunday morning, 4am to be precise and by the time I got home it was past 5am… Normally that would be fine. But on this particular Sunday I had to be up by 8am to head out to London again to queue up to buy tickets to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers.

Not many things inspire me usually, but the Terra Cotta Soldiers is one of the special piece of history that really fascinates me. But like all good plans, I had to come across some difficulties to make the day more interesting.

Traffic… One the most annoying things I can experience in London whilst running to a schedule. I eventually got there later than expected and the queue was already very long. For a long time I felt as though I wouldn’t be able to get the tickets for today and resigned to thinking of ways to take it out on people. Like pouring coffee over the usher… silly, I know. But I was annoyed!

Lucky for them I got the tickets, but I had to wait my time slot which was at 4pm. It was barely 11am! I ended up passing time by visiting the Japanese design exhibition first which was very interesting and I noticed how much Chinese influenced Japanese design in the last 50 years or so.

But it was still early when I finished. I made my way to Chinatown and wandered into the National Photographers Gallery which I loved. Some of the photos were very thought provoking whilst others offered insight into lives of others around the world.

1.30pm I met up with some friends for Dim Sum. After that I went back to the British Museum and went to see the soldiers.

The narration provided was interesting and offered a different angle to what I have known from being Chinese. Some conclusions that were reached made me smile whilst others surprised me. All in all the exhibition was a real eye opener for me and it made me more determined to visit them for real one day.

On another note, Jude Law was there too…

Other news in my life was the birth of my newest cousin, Alexander and 7lbs 8oz. Photos of him are on my facebook…

His birth has made me think about when I will have a child of my own. Lots go through my mind… if you want to know what, then read some of my earlier blogs.

Right now I am trying to refocus and make my way to the gym again, albeit in a lesser capacity. I have a new goal. All my efforts were made to prepare myself for the possibility of playing rugby, but my knee and ankle have shown me that it’s not going to happen now. Instead, I am not changing my strategy to prepare and condition my body for climbing Mount Everest in March.

Sunday 16 September 2007

Still crippled...

A week on and I am still hobbling. I am now wondering if the injury is more serious than I first thought. Maybe in my younger years I healed quicker? Maybe I’m not healing because it needs professional medical help. Give it another week and if it is still no better I guess I will have to see a doctor.

The weekend has been pretty boring. I washed my car (again!) and I got my eyes tested. I have perfect vision. Not bad for a 30 year old!

On that note I have decided to get myself checked up from top to bottom. I’m not getting any younger and I should know what kind of shape I am in. I don’t expect to live forever, but I would like to stay as mentally and physically able as possible! Fingers crossed!

Wednesday 12 September 2007

Argh... my knee!

The weekend just gone has been one of most significance to me in the last 2-3 years.

For about 3 weeks I had been looking forward to this weekend because my old school had organised a Rugby 7s tournament. Not only was I going to play my favourite sport, I was going to see some familiar old faces.

The weekend started as pretty much every weekend does, with me getting up early on a Saturday morning to go to the gym followed by the ritual of washing my car. I was all prepared for a trip up to London to have dinner with some friends, one of which has just come back from Japan… But I got a text from my cousin in law who invited me round for a BBQ at his new house. My initial thought was grab a burger and then head off to London for dinner. When I got there I was welcomed with a couple of items of news… my cousin had set a date for his wedding AND my other cousin was pregnant! :O

There was a bit of a gathering with my cousin in law’s sister’s family there and his best friend and his family. It was just a nice summer’s day with good food. The children there were most energetic and we ended up wandering round to an open field where we threw a Frisbee around before the women wandered off to the shops leaving behind 4 grown men and a 6 year old girl. How did we keep ourselves entertained? We played ‘bulldog’! It was a funny sight!

Anyway, I had to make my way to London and as we left I got a text to say people were dropping out. So I stayed and we went back to the house for more BBQ food and the second half of the England match against Israel which ended convincingly for England. As we sat in the garden cooking and drinking and chatting it was one of the most pleasant says I have had in years. As the night drew near, we started to play silly drinking games which was very funny… when we got bored of that we decided to play even sillier games like spinning around a pole 10 times and then walking to the other side of the garden. Well that was the plan! What actually happened was that people were falling sideways and collapsing everywhere. But me, I had to try to demolish the shed by running into it… luckily I was dragged to the ground before any damage was done! It was hilarious!

But it was getting late and we all had early starts, mine being a rugby 7s tournament. We called it a night at 1am and I headed off home to pack my rugby gear.

Sunday… the day had finally arrived. I got up, got changed and left the house. I drove to school. I arrived and drove around the grounds reminding myself of the past I once had there. I parked up and wandered over to the field where a lot of the old boys were. There were many familiar faces but not many names. The strange thing was how these faces had aged… so much more than I expected. AND the fact that most of them were in the years below me!

Lots of catching up needed to be done and some faces I never expected to see again were appearing randomly. However, I was looking forward to playing some rugby. At kick off we managed to get through some phases of play and passed the ball fluently from player to player. We even managed to score a try! Then from kick off I ran and jumped for the ball. I got a touch but landed awkwardly with an opposition player on top of my right leg, spraining my ankle and twisting my knee. That was the end of me. I was hobbling for the rest of the day. I stayed on to chat some more to some old friends, swapped numbers before finally heading off home feeling rather annoyed at the injury I incurred.

I was in a lot of pain and I was getting worried that the injury was going to mean another knee op… Something I don’t want to go through again. Once home I strapped up my knee in the knee brace I had when I was going through the original operation. It took the weight off my knee and I hobbled a bit better!

The rest of the day I spent resting before venturing out to get food and petrol. For the rest of the night I planned to watch TV, but I got a call from my cousin and I went round for a game of Articulate! It was there that I got some more news… my cousin asked me to be his best man for his wedding. I felt very touched…

It was a weekend of highs and lows… of past memories and news of the next generation…

Unfortunately up till writing this blog my knee has recovered but my ankle hasn’t and I am still hobbling like an old man!

Though it has been one of the nicest weekends of my life, I feel disappointed I don’t have anyone to share this with…

Wednesday 29 August 2007

Where does my time go?

It seems like I have no time write my blog these days. There is always something to do or somewhere to go. Admittedly I am spending a lot of time at the gym and by the time I get home and have something to eat it is pretty much time for bed. I would spend some time online before going to sleep but mostly to catch up with friends on MSN or emailing…

With the week days taken up with going to the gym I only have the weekend to really chill out and relax. But the last weekend was manic and spent at my cousins and the weekend just gone was just as bad in terms of free time, or rather just time alone.

The Bank holiday weekend started off pretty well on Friday night helping my cousin and her husband move home. It’s been a long delay and it was fortunate that the move happened over the long weekend which gave us time to move the larger items of furniture. Although there weren’t many items to move, the size and weight seriously hampered the speed which we got the move done. Coupled with the fact that the new house was 20miles away it was a case of cramming as much as we could into one van load before coming back for a second. By the time we had done the two runs it was midnight. It was a long day…

Saturday morning I woke up early to go to the gym. I like going to the gym on Saturday mornings as it is very quiet and I get to move from machine to machine quickly. After the gym I went home to wash my car. One of my favourite activities these days… Being out in the sun and soaking up the rays and cleaning my car is so relaxing and a real stress buster…

In the evening a couple of friends came to visit and we went to play snooker… something we haven’t done in ages! It was fun but also a bit strange because there was no smoke in the snooker hall! Not that it wasn’t appreciated being a non smoker now for 8 months I am glad for the clear air.

Sunday was the day my cousins find out who the fastest driver is… on the Go Kart track! Knowing my position as a heavy weight amongst all my cousins I did my homework and went to the gym before meeting up with them to travel to the Go Kart track. It was after the gym that the weekend became annoying and frustrating as my car engine light came on again for the second time in 3 weeks! There was nothing I could do except drive home and wait till the weekend was over. I walked to the shop where my cousins arranged to meet and we made our way to the Go Kart track.

What started off so well became a nightmare as we could not find the Go Karting place to begin with and when we did, my cousin realised he had dropped his camera somewhere and he was getting very stressed and pissed off as it’s the first time he has lost anything that expensive… I put it down a to a learning experience.

The usual malarkey ensued with the pre race instructions and kitting up in the ‘nice’ overalls, gloves and helmets! Climbing into the go karts for the first time was a bit of a squeeze and I was thankful I did go to the gym to lose the minimal, but vital, millimetres! After splitting the cousins into 2 groups we went through 4 rounds of heats to sort the men from the boys! Testosterone mixed into the exhaust filled air and we were off! After 4 rounds the semi final positions were determined and the top 3 from each would fight for bragging rights in the final… I ended up in 4th position behind my cousin, another cousin’s friend and the husband of another cousin.

After the ‘awards’ on the podium we all headed back to my cousins and stuffed our faces with food before having a kick about for an hour or so. I was shattered after that. But the night was still young! We all then made our way over to my cousins new house and we ended up playing Trival Pursuits and poker till 4am!! It was a very long day and I was ‘dead’.

It was 7.45am when I was awoken by my weekday alarm… I had forgotten to turn off my ‘work’ alarm. But fear not, I fell straight back to sleep! :D

I eventually got up at around mid day and then went round to my uncles with my younger cousins to use his ‘gym’ whilst I was stranded without a car. But it wasn’t long before the stomach started to whine for feeding so we all headed out to the carvery for a roast lunch. The rest of the day afterwards was spent sharing painfully embarrassing stories about each other and ourselves! It was a very nice evening, in fact weekend, with all my cousins at different times and sharing laughs. From the youngest aged 7 through to the oldest aged 30… we all sat together and joked and laughed.

Work was a welcome relief from the hectic weekend… and the week has gone by pretty quickly. And hopefully my car will be fixed by tomorrow afternoon.

Over the last couple of weeks a number of ‘other’ things have happened which is somewhat confusing for me. On one hand I feel very sad but on another I feel a sense of relief and happiness. There’s no real way of saying this other than to be upfront and that my ex has found love in her flatmate who is also a guy I have known for a few years too. I don’t think there’s a need to say much more really. He’s a nice guy and she’s a lovely girl…. I hope it works out for them as they do suit each other.

Me… I’ll just plod along. I have my own thoughts and feelings which are a bit random and all over the place. One thing I am looking forward to is playing rugby with my school friends next weekend and also planning for a trip to trek Mount Everest…

Once I get some of my personal goals out of the way, maybe I will find someone to share my life with. Ideally I’d love to find someone to go to Everest with, but I’m not holding my breathe!

Sunday 19 August 2007

My long weekend...

It started after work on Friday and ended as I write this blog entry...

My usual routine on a Friday consisted of finishing work, going home and then to the gym. Not much changed up to that point. Normally my evening would end with a shower and a few hours chilling out at home. However, this was not to be and after my shower I was on the road driving up to Tiptree in Essex where my grandparents and cousins live for the purpose of a summer get together with the cousins for a BBQ and football. It's a 110mile journey and it was the furthest I had driven in my S2000. I had some reservations about the usability of the S2000 on long journeys but as it turned out it was a very comfortable journey and I had no complaints. By the time I arrived at my cousins, who live right next door to our grandparents, it was nearly 1am. But we still stayed up till about 3am before heading off to bed.

Saturday morning I was up by 9.30am. I sleep a lot less than my cousins so I went online whilst waiting for them to awaken. The plan for today was to go yum cha in Colchester with my grandparents and aunts and uncles. We headed off at 1.30pm and got back for around 4pm. We then decided to have a kick around which was knackering but fun with kids as young as 11 against uncles as old as 40. Of course it was all good natured and the object was to have fun and sweat! Which we did!

That night was all about rest until the last of the cousins arrived and then it was a 2 hour game of Articulate! It was so funny and also showed how knowledgeable some cousins were compared to others! The 'oldies' ended up last and the 'babies' won! 4 teams of 3 people and the youngest team won... the shame! LOL

Sunday followed after another night of limited sleep. We pretty much started the BBQ as soon as everyone was awake. Unfortunately the weather wasn't so kind to us and it was raining most of the early afternoon which meant having the BBQ inside the garage! I had never seen so much smoke! However, we still continued as planned and we cooked meat on fire! My cousin even had time to fit an airfilter to his car!

We all stuffed our faces and had to digest the food before we could muster up the energy to play football. Luckily the weather dried up and the game was on! Mid way through some rain fell and some were hoping to call it a day, but we keep on going and it soon stopped again.The goals flowed and we soon discovered who were the fitter ones. As the boys played, the girls we doing their own thing in the park... Judging by the photos, they had a lot of fun too!

Getting back from football we went for round 2 of BBQ food and watched the rest of the football on TV. A few started to leave as they were starting work early tomorrow. I stayed behind with my brother and the young 'uns for pizza before heading off into the rain. After an hour and forty minutes I was home... I unpacked, put clothes in the wash and ran a bath.

It's been a long and fun weekend... Next weekend is go karting with the cousins. Should be another good one!

Thursday 16 August 2007

I love where I live...

I just wanted to talk a little about where I live. It's a little village off junction 5 on the M3. I say little, but it has grown considerably in the 30 years that I have lived here.

Although I have moved around the country and bought properties in other locations, I still feel at home here. It's the fresh air, the tranquility and the general laid back attitude. There are no chavs around, there is little crime and everyone knows everyone else.

But the best thing about living in a small village is the wildlife and the farm animals I see on my daily journey in to work. Some may find it strange, but I am an animal lover. Always have been. Where I live, our garden backs onto a field where a couple of horses graze, and on a few occasions we even get deers passing through our garden as well as a many others like woodpeckers, squirrels, cats, our neighbours dog... it's just so nice to see wildlife around.

On my way to work I saw a deer crossing the road, numerous rabbits scurrying away, pheasants dashing for cover and sometimes badgers just on the side of the road. On my way back I can choose another route that guarantees me to see some dwarf ponies, cattle grazing and sheep. There is so much life around and such clean air I cannot think of a better place to be.

Saying that, situations can change and maybe I will have to move one day? But it's great to know there is still a lovely retreat where I can be amongst a lot of wildlife. When I do move out and live in my own space, I WILL get a dog!

Monday 13 August 2007

Recent downturn in fortunes... and a more thoughts on life

A long break since my last update. No particular reason other than being lazy and not having much to say really. I contemplated 'blogging' a few times but I wasn't really inspired so I left it.
Certain things have played on my mind recently and though things are going pretty well, I find a small bit of bad news can have a big impact on me emotionally. Winning is a habit, but so is losing applies to how I am feeling too. Whilst I am feeling good, not a lot can damage my positivity, but once it gets bad then it becomes a chore to life myself up again.

There were times when I felt I could just blurt out my angst to all and not give shit. But I took time to think things through and realise it's not fair on people if I did that because it is not there fault I feel the way I feel. It's a personal issue that I have to place under control. People haven't changed, it's my own perception that has. It was probably more evident since my car had a cylinder failure resulting in a lack of mobility for a week and that also meant no gym! Something I really miss!

But there were some positives to be gained from being carless... I got to use public transport a bit more which I have never had many complaints about other than being restricted to travelling at certain times. I trained into town a couple of times during the week and I also trained out to London (seperate story to tell here...)! Having met up with friends in London for dim sum I then faced a dilemma of getting home. My friend offered me a lift to his and we hung out for most of the day. Bought a frisbee and chucked that around in the warm weather. Then he washed his car. Later that evening another friend picked me up to go bowling where I met up with some more friends who eventually gave me a lift home! It was wonderful the way I managed to work my way home from central London via network of friends!

Anyway, I want to go back to the issue of public transport. Maybe I am not a regular user of trains and public transport but I do enjoy using it when necessary. It takes the pain out of having to stay alert and I get to read and listen to music. Due to the problem on my car I had to take a train to London over the weekend as explained in the previous paragraph. I walked to the train station and as I approached I saw my train pulling up! I ran and just jumped on in time! I then went to see the ticket inspector to purchase a ticket, but instead I was told I had to pay a fine because I boarded a train without a valid ticket. I argued I wanted to catch the train and came to buy a ticket as soon as I could, but he was having none of it and gave me 2 options which meant nothing to me as he didn't really explain himself very clearly. In the end I paid the fine and bought a ticket.

Now, in my younger days I would have probably been really pissed off with the guy and probably wouldn't have gone looking to buy a ticket. But being more mature and older I wanted to do the right thing. I appreciate that there are rules and regulations in business and I was using a service. I can argue that the train was going to go to London with or without me, but I was using the service so I should pay. The ticket inspector was merely doing the same job I do day in day out, ensuring that our customers pay for the licenses and maintenance of our software. It's easy to be lenient and let things by, but that is not business and that is where companies fail. Adhering to rules and regulations ensure that a company is at its most efficient and although it was more than what I was expecting to pay for my travels, I did not feel hard done by.

This month is a bit of a quiet month for me because I need to get back on track with my finances now. Most of my time is being spent with my relatives rather than going out and it has been good. This weekend I will be going up to Essex for a BBQ and kick around with cousins, and the following weekend is another 'cousins' gathering at a Go Karting day. Before I know it, Christmas will be here! I have yet to decide if I want to go back to HK or not yet.

I feel ‘fat’ from not going to the gym for the last week due to lack of car. Can’t wait to get back in and working out again. I feel more alert and less fatigued when I have been going to the gym!

Something else that came to my mind today was the repetitiveness of our lives. Maybe it's just my own, but I have noticed that week in week out the same routine takes place. We spend Mondays to Wednesday talking about the weekend just gone and from Wednesday to Fridays talking about what to do for the coming weekeng! I guess my life is quite mundane at the moment. Stuck in a bit of a rut with visions of the future looking very foggy... I can see no further than a month ahead. I'd love to look further ahead and plan my life with someone but planning for one requires very little... especially when it is me. A guy who has pretty much everything and needs nothing.

Another take I have on life is how our short working years can be shortened and represented by a 7 day week. We work 5 out of 7 days which is almost 50 of our 70 years. How we choose to work and live can be represented within these 7 days. For some the week starts on a Monday where we would work hard and earn our money to spend over the weekend. Others may choose to spend over the weekend and work to pay off the debt. Our lives are very similar in that we can effectively work early and spend our hard earned cash or we can have our fun now and spend the rest of our lives paying for it.

The end result is very much the same but the lifestyle you live is very different. I don't know if there is a right way or a wrong way, but its our own way...

Thursday 2 August 2007

A 30 year old's blog

A couple of days into my 30s and I feel no different. I feel quite relaxed actually and I have just been continuing to live each day as normal with work followed by the gym.

Maybe I’ll talk about what I watched on TV tonight instead… Well it was on National Geographic Wildlife. I was watching documentaries about bears.

I have a fascination with bears. They are massive creatures with great destructive power and pretty much without predator other than humans. But even with their strength and power to kill they are relatively ‘nice’ towards humans in that most attacks end up without life being lost, which cannot be said for other wild animal attacks.

The bear is powerful, graceful and passive unless provoked… I like to think I am in a similar mould myself and if reincarnations exist I would like to come back as a bear! :)

Actually there were 2 programs on bears and the second focused on an ageing bear who used to rule the river where the bears fished. Unfortunately the bear was getting fat to old to defend his turf and he was over powered by a younger more hungry bear. I guess I kinda felt sorry for the ageing bear, but that is life. We get old and we get surpassed. We cannot rule forever and I think it is important to know this.

We all have our time on this earth and we need to make the most of the time we have before it is taken away from us due to nature and the natural cycle of life. But what comes around goes around and the ageing bear fathered a couple of cubs who one day may regain their father’s crown.

All I can do now is to make sure I keep myself fit and healthy and make sure I use the time I have left to its maximum potential. It’s easy enough to live a simple life and go through the motions, but I would like to make more of an impact. Maybe not in the sense that I become wealthy and powerful, but more in the sense that I have helped people and it is recognised.

Monday 30 July 2007

Last few hours as a 20 something

I’m in my last hour of being 20 something…

30 years of being alive and where am I?

Will anything change because I am becoming a 30 something?

In the last 10 years I have managed to achieve some significant milestones which makes me feel that the next 10 years will mean even greater achievements. But in some respects I feel I am still at square one and I could be turning 20 again. I’m still single and I’m still living at home with my parents.

Positives and negatives are easy to pick out over a period of 10 years… but I think what is important is the experience, the learning and character development. Am I a better person than I was when I was just turning 20?

In my younger years I was somewhat proud and arrogant… traits I don’t think I have completely lost. I also assumed I knew more than I actually did. But as I have grown up I have come to realise the world is a lot more complex than I thought and reading books does not compensate for life experiences.

Quite simply, life does not read like a book. Things you read are usually of things that worked out and the difficulties THAT person experienced. No two lives are the same and until I experienced everything for myself I did not know how to over come the challenges that spring up from nowhere.

Sometimes I feel as though I am still a bit immature for my age and a lot of people are still telling me that being 30 is still very young. Young compared to who and what? Compared to other people who are still out drinking and having fun? I prefer to compare myself to my parents and the generation before. And in that sense I feel old and I feel as though I am a failure.

What is the big deal though? I mean it’s just another day really and I won’t change over night. Why the significance of a number?

I guess it is a defining moment and we all deal with things in different ways. I won’t be sad to see my 20s disappear into history. I won’t be happy to embrace the 30s. I will just be me and continue as I am now… Still thinking a lot, working and going to the gym...

Sunday 29 July 2007

Football United

It’s sometimes quite amazing what an acre of green grass with 22 grown men chasing a ball means to people of all nations and nationality.

Today I experienced that to its full effect. Chinese, English, Indian, French and American all watching the phenomenon that is foorball.

There was no hostility and no rivalry. It was pure admiration of the skills on show and the emotionally rollercoaster of seeing near misses, passionate tackling, athleticism, composure and great finishing.

We were experiencing the first 2 matches of the Emirates Cup, hosted by Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium. It was a beautiful day which lasted until we reached our car to make our way home.

If only the weather will be the same for tomorrow when my birthday celebrations begin and the reality of turning 30 sets in…

Monday 23 July 2007

When hard work pays off...

So I have been going to the gym for 2 months now. How do I feel? I feel fit and healthy. I feel energetic and positive. I feel as though I have achieved a mini milestone in my life.


The truth is I joined the gym for a multitude of reasons… trying to get fit after I have quit smoking for coming up to 7 months now, considering the idea of playing rugby for my local team, preparing for trekking holidays in the future, prolonging my youth for a few more years… but in all honesty, I just wanted a 6 pack. I wanted to get the 6 pack before my 30th birthday and although I am not quite there yet, I am closer than I have ever been before! My whole body is toned that I can’t believe it. Hard work does pay off! Now I just need to maintain my rhythm and keep up the hard work and I will get a 6 pack, just not before I turn 30.

It’s no big deal really. I feel as though I have gone back 10 years rather than aged 10 years to be honest. When I was 19-20 I was pretty fit but then it all went downhill. After a long time of inactivity I have regained my desire to exercise and keep fit. I have rolled back those years and I really do feel great.

This weekend I celebrated my friend’s 29th birthday. A friend I have known for 10 years now. Looking back over the last 10 years a lot has happened and we have grown up and changed a lot as individuals. My close group of friends met whilst at uni and working part time. We spent our free time talking on the phone about shit and meeting up at least once a week to eat and waste our money on arcade games.

Ten years on those ‘bums’ are now working, a couple with double degrees. Driving nice cars … another has started a business… promotions coming round every year. It’s all so different and all so normal. Sometimes I look back and wonder why we did the things we did. Would be better off having worked harder in our youth rather than waste it away? Was it wasted or has it helped develop us into who we are today?

Regardless of the answer to the questions above, we are where we are now due to some of us working harder than others. There’s no secret to success in life. It comes down to how much you want it and how hard you fight for it.

Today, on the rowing machine… I had a choice to stop at 10 minutes which would have been a decent amount of exercise, but I chose to continue to 15 minutes. I know what I want to achieve and I will do everything I can to do so. Life isn’t so different… you get out in life exactly what you put in.

Friday 13 July 2007

My recent thoughts

I have been quite at peace with myself lately. Going to the gym and exercising my body has helped clear my mind. It's true when they say healthy body, healthy mind.

Turning 30 had been a bit of a fear of mine, but recently I haven'€™t been too bothered. They say age is just a number and I have felt this to be true now that I am going to the gym regularly. I am healthier and fitter than I have ever been since I was a teenager. Feeling this way is very addictive... And to feel this way as I am turning 30, I feel as though it'€™s not too bad after all.

But then there are still my fears of being too old when I have my first child and also not finding the person I want to spend my life with.

I have reached a comfort zone in life and though I wish to find a relationship that works, I also fear that I am holding back because I am afraid of change.

At this moment in time, life seems very simple. You set yourself goals and objectives and you go about trying to achieve them. Upon success you could say you have had a good life. However we are human... we are never happy. Once we achieve one goal we move on to another.

One thing I have noticed is that the more we know the more we yearn. Take one of my favourite hobbies for example... cars. I used to obsess about cars. Buying magazines week in week out, sometimes subscribing. The more information I found out, the more I read about new technology and design the more I would want the latest and fastest car. The more I knew the more I wanted to compare my car with others in its class. But now, having weaned myself away from such literature I know relatively little about the modern cars being brought to market today. Which is why I am content with what I have. I know no better and I don'€™t really care either. I love what I have and I don't need to compare.

They say knowledge is power... but power just brings on greed and lust. Life is full of temptations which we do not try to avoid. Nor do we appreciate what we have around us. We are constantly worried about what we may have missed out on... when really, the only thing we miss is our own life.

I wouldn't say I am depressed at this moment in time neither am I in a reflective mood. What I am experiencing is a moment of clarity. This is my own clarity of course and I do not expect anyone to feel the same. One man's clarity is another's mud!

Ramble, ramble... that's what I seem to be doing now. Until another thought comes to my mind...

Monday 2 July 2007

Had a great day....

I had a brilliant day today. Nothing special happened, in fact everything was rather ordinary...

The day started with a phone call from parents to say they are safe and sound in Hong Kong. My normal morning routine ensued and I was in the office for 8.50am.

Work was slow after a mad end to the quarter which coincided with the company full financial year end. There were a few reports to create and send out to our distributors before a team meeting where we were told of a reshuffle in the team structure due to being so efficient we are now taking on additional work in other parts of the world.

Home time for everyone meant gym time for me. I decided to stay a little later at work and head to the gym straight after to save having to drive out again after going home. It was a bit packed at the gym but out of the blue I bumped into an old colleague of mine and we had a brief chat about things. I managed to get most of my work out completed other than the stretching as the gym was too full. To compensate for a shorter routine I extended my rowing time from 15 minutes to 30 minutes. Making sure I was working in the optimal fat burn zone throughout. It felt really relaxed and I was pretty comfortable... so much so I think I could have rowed for an hour!

After the gym I ordered a pizza... Ok, not the best food to be eating, but I just fancied it as I haven't had it in a while. I settled in at home and put on Men in Black. It was a perfect end to an ordinary day. Simple things are often the things that please us most. I try not to expect too much then I cannot be disappointed. :)

Saturday 30 June 2007

How are my readers?


It has been a long time since I have written about me and my life. And the reason for that is because I have been busy.

Again I am at a higher point in my life where I am not stressing too much nor am I worrying about being single. I have found a new focus in work and in the gym. The last month has been a lot of hard work with some tense moments as my team and I tried our best to achieve the target set at the beginning of the quarter. In the end the target was smashed and it was a great end for the company in its first full operating year.

As for going to the gym, I had set my mind on getting fit to play rugby in September for a local team. But also I just want to lose some fat and get fit and healthy after 5 months of quitting smoking. So far I have been going to the gym for about 5 weeks now. And at least 3 times a week. The effects are showing and I also feel a lot fitter too. Actually I am getting very much addicted to going to the gym nowadays. So much so that I prefer to be at the gym than to go out and see my friends!! :S

The rest of my life so far doesn’t really exist. If anyone is expecting some juicy gossip about a girl in my life, I am going to have to disappoint you! There is nothing to tell. I have pretty much left it down to fate rather than work myself up over nothing. I want something to happen… but I guess I have to be patient.

Work, health, love… what else do I need to cover?

I am really enjoying my life at the moment…. Maybe its because I have set myself a goal with going to the gym… Maybe I am just not allowing myself to stress because I have no time…

Would I say this is a positive entry as opposed to a negative one? Yes… I would definitely say I am far happier now than I have been in the last few months. I’ll keep it short and sweet. Happy people have little to write about because we are only ever good at complaining!

Wednesday 13 June 2007

Choices

Today I made a very simple and logical decision. I laid in bed after work feeling quite dozy... I could have just closed my eyes and fallen asleep, but I made a choice. I chose to get up and drive to the gym.

I guess life is a bit like this. We all work hard and we have a choice to make. Do we go and work a little bit more? Or do we stay in and rest on our laurels? It would have been easy for me to stay in and rest one day. I mean I have been to the gym 4 days in a row already... is it so bad that I miss one day? Should I let my body rest?

There are many excuses we find for ourselves in choosing to do things that make our lives easy. But we struggle to find reasons for working harder. I know it is not a battle I always win with myself, but winning is a habit and that is what I am doing now. I am winning. Each time I go to the gym I am getting a little bit fitter. You may argue that my body needs rest, and I will be resting it tomorrow.

Once I can find the motivation to push myself that little bit further I will be able to carry that in other areas of my life. I haven't always been lazy and I haven't always been this unfit. There were times where I had drive and determination... now, later than it should be, I am rediscovering this drive and determination. I have a goal to acheive and I will achieve it.


Random thought: Are trees and plants 'carniverous' in the sense that they 'eat' themselves (fallen leaves and twigs that have decomposed)?

Thursday 7 June 2007

Blast from the past


Since the purchase of my new car I haven’t had a normal day or work. Basically I went from my cousins wedding to taking a week off to help my brother at his cafĂ©. Managed to get to the gym a couple of times and the driving range too… but I spent far too much time driving with the roof down! Over the weekend I drove to London and spent about 2 hours in the car getting sunburnt. Yes… I can get sunburnt in the UK even after just a couple of hours.

Well the final outcome is that I fell ill. I got a cold, or as my colleagues at work prefer, I had ‘Man Flu’. The WORST flu of all and is touted as the reason dinosaurs became extinct. Luckily I am so fit and healthy I was only bed ridden for a couple of days! A lesser man would be out for WEEKS!

However, being ill meant a perfect opportunity to upload photos I had taken of the wedding and also gave me a chance to scan and upload some old photos I had. Many of these are pre-digital camera days… Hell some of these were taken before many of my friends were even born!

Anyway, I posted photos of the wedding and my new car along with my Hong Kong photos on my imagestation. But I also selected a bunch of photos which had my mug shot in and placed them on facebook too. Some of these photos were of the rugby teams I had played in and all my friends from college.

In the middle of putting these photos up I was added as a friend by a guy I used to live and work with 4 years ago! It was so totally random, but it was cool. And before I knew it I was being added by some old school and college friends! People who I haven’t heard from or seen in over 10 years were appearing suddenly. And a little digging around led me to find even more friends! I never thought I would get to talk let alone see any of these people again… but I guess that’s all changed!

What is quite amazing is that the last time I had seen or talked to these college friends the world was a totally different place. A place where mobile phones were still quick an expensive novelty, the computer was running Windows 3.11 and the internet was via dial up but only very very tech savvy families had it! Email didn’t even exist as far as we knew! Most of us could drive but had no car. Facial hair was still waiting to appear. Relationships meant a snog. This was when I was 17-18 years old in 1995. Those days were about DiscMan and Doc Martins. Those days were about having fun and not caring about the world. Those days we had no fear… we were MEN.

The funny thing is that most of these people still look the same albeit 12 years older. I just wonder what I look like in their eyes. This window of 12 years… what has happened in their lives? Some have married, some have moved abroad, some are still bumming around, some have even left us. Makes me think how people have drifted apart, yet the internet has managed to bring many of us back together again!

So, although I have been ill for a couple of days I have not felt this good in a LONG LONG time! My voice may almost be gone due to having a sore throat and having to talk to distributors at work, but I feel really good from the inside out. Now it’s just a case of finding a time to get together and meet up with some ‘old friends’….

Monday 28 May 2007

THE LAST 10 DAYS

I have been quiet for 10 days now. It seems like I am finding things difficult to put down to words or is it just from the lack of time and determination? Nonetheless, I am back and I will try to fill you in on what I have been doing and how I have been feeling in the last 10 days.


Buying a car

Some people will already know I was in the process of buying a car to replace my ageing Civic. The Civic has been a really good car to me and it was honestly my first dream car in my late teens and early 20s. It had the performance I craved for, it was reasonably cheap to run and maintain and it was practical to the point I had moved to 3 different homes in it. The best car I have had and probably the best I will ever have in terms of all round capabilities along with running costs. My baby has endured 5 hard years and 102,000 miles with me and I am definitely sad to see it go. Sometimes I still feel as though I am on an extended test drive in my new car and any day now I will get back into my Civic….

But no… my new car is also a Honda, but this time it is the S2000. It’s never been a car that I have taken much noticed off as I was always after something practical, which almost inevitably meant a hatchback. However, times have changed and with my parents buying an additional car, the burden for me to own something practical lessened. Coupled with the fact the Civic had done over 102,000 miles in 5 years, I felt that the Civic was nearing a major ‘surgery’ which is why I felt I had to let it go.

The S2000 is different in every way other than the badge that sits on the bonnet and boot lid. The car seats two people only, has a small boot and it is a convertible. It has a somewhat subtle but noticeable appeal to it being a convertible. But it is not as loud or as brash as the Civic even though it is much more a sports car with its front engine rear wheel drive set up. The performance is fractionally better, but fuel consumption is poorer.

There’s a lot of good things to say about the S2000 but even more for the Civic, but they are different cars with different purposes and appeals to different demographics. A car like the S2000 that I would not have considered a few months back is now the only means of transport I have. But I am very happy with it.

However, I did not buy the car from new, I bought it 2nd hand from a respectable dealer. But I made simple rookie mistakes in missing certain check points and I got a rough deal. Not that I blame the dealer, because they sold me a very good car, but I blame myself for not making them provide me with the best service before committing my money. I am still very pleased with the car I have bought, but I do have to spend a little more money just to make it ‘perfect’ in my eyes. Nothing major, but just a minor gripe. It is a small price to pay for a car that I will own for at least 3 years.


Joined the gym

In amongst the decision of buying the S2000, I had a thorough look at myself and I realised that physically I needed to get healthier. Although I have quit smoking for 5 months now, I am not ‘reclaiming’ my health as I should be. I’m not overly fat, but I could do with losing some inches around the waist!

Joining the gym had crossed my mind earlier on in the year, but I was doing kick boxing at the time. It was good to do something physical but I did not see why I was doing kick boxing after a while. The fitness only reached a certain level and I was only going once a week. Whilst I was there, all I was doing was trying to ‘score’ points off my opponent but striking and kicking them. Violence as a sport without the pain seems a bit pointless to me and I have decided to train to prepare my body for a season of playing rugby…

That may not happen, but I have thought out the options and the best thing to do is to join the gym and build up some strength and fitness. Regardless of what I do at the end, at least I will have a healthier and fitter body.

Another reason for joining the gym now is to make use of my NUS card which expires in September (the MBA course was just over one calendar year, therefore I was registered as a student for 2 years). This meant I ended up paying £26 per month as opposed to £40 per month and I have the same benefits! BONUS! J


Considering shaving my head

Alongside the decision to buy the S2000, I also toyed with the idea of shaving my head. Being in a convertible I have seen some scary hair as a by product and maybe having no hair is the way to go! I have shaved my head before and I’m not afraid to do it again, but I decided to let the fate of my hair be decided online through my friends. They can choose to have my hair off or kept on by joining one or the other. The side group with the most members decides what I do with my hair.

And as a prelim I had a strip of hair waxed off my calf. One to see how bald skin looks like and two, to prove how little it hurts and that girls shouldn’t whinge at the pain! :P Mind you it was a bit ‘red’ the next day, but there was no pain that I experienced that warrants sharing with anyone. It was just like taking a plaster off.

You may be wondering WHY I would wax a strip of hair off my leg in the first place and where I got the wax strip from? Well, my cousin was getting married and the night before the wedding she was getting ready with her sister and bridesmaids. I popped over to check on the final arrangements where I saw they had some wax strips. Being curious and inquisitive I took the plunge and tried the wax for myself. Now I know how it feels, I may consider getting all my hair off for charity? What do you think?? How much would YOU pay to see me hairless?! And I mean EVERYWHERE!!! :O


Cousins Wedding

Yesterday was my cousin’s wedding, the first of the family on my mum’s side. It has been talked and talked about and all the efforts by everyone finally came together and the day was brilliant if a little overcast by the pouring rain.

The venue was a school with a wonder view. The building was a stately home type building and everything inside was very ornate and pretty. There were many tears shed by everyone including my grandfather who was very negative about the wedding until it happened.

I was asked to drive the bride to the venue and I had already done one dry run the day before to find the route. I arrived 15mins early to pick up my cousin, the bride, but was left waiting 30mins whilst she was getting ready and crying tears of happiness. But eventually we got in the car and made our way. The dry run I did proved most useful until I passed the final turning which meant I went 5 miles in the wrong direction! After much panic and sweating we managed to find the turning and arrived 20mins later than expected which was great as it meant the groom worked up a little sweat himself!

It was very touching at times and although it was very much a standard affair, it seems a little more significant when it is someone so close in the family. For me, it was my younger cousin who I have seen grow up from a tiny little baby to someone’s wife. It may be because she is my cousin, or it may be because of my age, but I felt real happiness for the couple. The groom is a great guy who I get along very well with and we, as a family, already accepted him before they were talking of marriage.

Though there were aspects which could have been improved upon, such as the food and the weather and maybe with the people invited, but all in all it was a great day with lots of laughter and lots of fun.

DANCING was something which really made the evening great. A wedding is one place where children and adults are all dancing together and to see my little cousins dance was a wonderful and funny sight. But then they saw me dancing the night away too which was probably more embarrassing! LOL Especially when I started to lose my clothes as the night wore on and I worked up more of a sweat! Luckily the night didn’t go on for too long!


Mid life crisis

Now for the truth behind everything I have done. I fear I am having a midlife crisis! Look at the evidence… I have bought a sports car, I have joined a gym, I am looking to change my appearance by shaving my head, I feel a little jealous (but definitely happier) seeing my cousin getting married whilst I am still single.

I really do not like the fact I am getting older and I am not settling down with my own life and to have a family of my own. Am I trying to justify everything I am doing? Or does everything actual make sense and it’s not really a crisis at all?

All I know is that I have been unhappy lately. I have made some decisions which makes me happier that are also logical choices, in my mind, such as changing my car and joining the gym. A thing like shaving my head is basically me looking back on my youth. I have shaved my head in the past and it’s just something I would like to do again to capture on camera so at least I have some record of it happening which I neglected the first time round.

The truth is, I will be 30 in 2 months time. It will spring up on me before I even know it! What will I do to celebrate? Who do I want to be there? Last year was a combination of my birthday and also to mark the end of my MBA. This year marks the end of my 20s and the beginning of my 30s. Many people tell me how young I am, but I know I should have achieved more than what I have now. It bugs me to live in fear of failure when I could have made something for myself.

I have set in my mind a 3 year plan. It is a selfish plan which doesn’t include anyone at the moment. But even if someone was to become part of my life, I need to focus and make sure I follow through with my plan. Success or failure is not of any great importance now. The important thing to me is that I follow through on what I have set out to do and that I do not get put off by negative people around me. I need to show more resilience and strength to ignore words of failure and just go for it…

In some respects I am very unhappy, but in others I feel much rejuvenated. It’s such a contradictory feeling, but that is how I feel.

There has been a lot of sighing lately which I hope to turn into laughter and joy….

Friday 18 May 2007

Giving

Having spent a lot of time talking about myself and my woes... I am turning my attention to something else. I am giving blood again. It has been a while since I have given blood and I do feel guilty for not doing so more regularly.

There isn't much I can give to the world at this moment in time as I struggle to support myself, but what I can do, along with pretty much anyone else, is give blood. I know there are those who are scared of needles or afraid to see blood, but the fact is that blood saves lives. A small sacrifice that you and I can definitely afford.

And why stop there? I have registered myself as a bone marrow donor and also a tissue donor too. I am also looking to become a platelet donor. If the little I do can help save a life then I would at least feel as though my life has not been wasted. I know I can do a lot more, and I will in the future.

I don't expect everyone to suddenly become donors, but have a think and maybe you can see the benefits you offer to the people who needs your help. You will feel great even if you only ever give blood once in your life.

Thursday 17 May 2007

The truth

The turth is something we all seek, but sometimes it's not what we always want to hear or know. On Monday night I felt the truth kick in and I woke up to reality.

Up until that point I had been harbouring thoughts and beliefs that there might be a spark waiting to ignite a big bright fire. But what I saw was more akin to a match trying to light a wet piece of paper. It was never going to work.

It's much easier to hide behind a web of lies I had spun for myself and pretend that things were progressing smoothing when all that has happened is that I chose to ignore the signs. It was apparent from the beginning, but when you want something that bad you often try to lie to yourself to make a lie seem like the truth.

Right now I am not the happiest of people and I have been experiencing moods swings more frequently than before. Every time I experience this type of pain I am driven to do things to kill time and try to put the pain behind me. This time is no different. I am looking to changing my car, I have joined the gym and I am looking to play rugby again. It's such a predictable occurrence that I don't even believe I will do any of these things any more.

One day I woke up full of positivity and the next I am waking up and finding nothing good in my life. I guess I shouldn't be so blind!


Whilst I am in a reflective mood, I just want to say sorry to my mum and brother for losing my temper the other night... I can't blame the fact I am feeling depressed, as I am old enough and wise enough to know better. I'm sorry.

Sunday 13 May 2007

Feeling antisocial

Prior to going to HK I had a packed schedule with something to do, someone to see or somewhere to go nearly every day of the week. But since my return from HK I am feeling somewhat antisocial and lacking motivation to go and see people, do things or go places.

I have many things on my mind of late. Time spent with parents and grandparents have had a profound effect on me. It has made me think of my future more and more. What am I doing with my life? Where do I want to be this time next year? Setting myself up for the future is figuring highly on my agenda. But how? I spent time in HK with my parents and their friends and they talk of making tens of thousands in a blink of an eye. They can afford to eat at the most expensive restaurants in HK. HOW DO I GET TO THEIR POSITION?!

Granted that they are close to 30 years my senior, but given my education and English language skills, surely I can accomplish just as much, if not more? I feel a bit useless at times. It is in these moments of depression that I feel as though no one around me knows how I feel... basically my peers. Who do I talk to?

I just feel that my generation of young men and women are not as driven as people of my parents generation. But then how can we be when our parents provide for us as best they can thus making our lives as easy as possible? As 30 years of age looms ever closer I have decided to make a 3 pronged effort to make a mark of my own.

I have 3 business ideas to work on which I hope to complete one by the end of the year whilst working in a full time job. I really enjoy what I do at the moment and I feel as though I have a lot to offer the company and I feel reluctant to leave until I am sure of how to start up my second business which will hopefully fund my third and final business venture which will be of no surprise to people when I say it will be in property.

So for all my friends who have tried to tempt me out of hibernation... my apologies. I will definitely show my face once I can get past my negativity. I have promised many people many times that I will come out... and I will. I just need some time to myself to clear my head and to find comfort in my situation, which is actually pretty good... but coming from a family of high acheivers I feel like a major underacheiver!

Hope people don't miss me too much. I will document my life as best I can here... so keep coming back! :)

***17/Nov/2012***
Seriously? I had THREE business ideas to work on? 5 years down the line and I've not gone ahead with ONE... actually I don't even REMEMBER what these ideas were! Word of warning to anyone reading this.... WRITE THINGS DOWN!

Thursday 10 May 2007

Have you missed me?


I have been absent from my blog for a long time now and the reason for that is because I have been in HK for the last week. There was no stable internet connection and I didn’t have the time to update anyway. So here is what I have been up to…


Expressing Myself

Before I left to go to HK I did something I wanted to do for a while now. I told a girl how I felt about her. How did I do it? I wrote her a letter. I bought her a couple of small gifts and I sent it all in the post knowing that I will not be in the country when she receives it. Am I being old fashioned? I don’t really know, but I know I couldn’t think about what I was doing otherwise I would just get embarrassed and not be able to go through with it. As it turns out she wants to talk to me in person now… I feel nervous. I’m not sure whether I will be rejected or accepted. Either way, I feel better having told her how I feel and I have nothing to hide now. I’d rather KNOW where I stand rather than hold out and wait for an unknown period of time. It’s not long till we meet so I will soon know…


Grandparents

My main purpose of going to HK was to see my grandmother. She has been alone since my grandfather passed away 2 years ago. It’s great that she is still in good health and showing no signs of ageing even though she’s nearing her 90s! I wish I could visit her more often but it’s just not possible. Although the time we spend together is mostly in silence, I feel a closeness and a calmness around her.

However, my other grandparents who are both alive and well are more comical. Grandmother is always overhearing things that make her think the worse of grandfather. Grandfather is always picking on grandmother for her naivety. They have been together for 60 years but they have not learnt to live with each other.


Death and Money

I don’t know if I am just getting old or I am just growing up. But I find that life revolves around these two. When people die others dive in to grab any money left behind. It seems so sad but that is the society we live in today. On one hand there are those who are always looking to take advantage, but I also heard a very sad and touching story about a man who had over £1million and about to retire.

He planned to buy a house for each of his 3 sons when he retires and with the money left over he was going to travel the world with his wife. Unfortunately his wife had to go through a minor operation and during the process she contracted a virus which she never recovered from. The family was devastated and took solace in Hong Kong. Only 3 months had passed since the death of his wife when his youngest son fell ill and the doctors discovered a tumour in his head. For 2 years the man spent his life savings on the best doctors and the best medicine to heal his son, but to no avail and he passed away after nearly spending his father’s entire savings. One mans life was turned upside down in 2 years.


Shopping for others…

My time in Hong Kong was an exercise as a shopping assistant for rich people! I trawled the streets of Kowloon for over 12hours over 2 days. I spent over £400 and most of it was for other people! I had to find, buy, carry and deliver back to various people in the UK. Not that I mind as I was buying for my little cousins and also for the girl I like. In fact I found that there is great contentment in finding things that people asked me to buy. It did take me 3 hours walking up and down Ladies Market, but finding the items brought me the biggest smile!


Me…

So much is going through my head recently. I have had so much time to think. For an entire week I have pretty much been hanging around people who are much older than me. My grandparents, my parents and their friends. I did see a few friends and spent time with them too. But I felt more of a connection with the ‘oldies’. Their words make more sense and are more important to me. Am I really THAT old now?!!?

There’s so much I want to do and achieve. Will I do it? I want to change my car. I want to start my own business. I want to afford the lifestyle my parents live for my future family. I wan to make a difference to those around me. I want to live a happy life…

Sunday 22 April 2007

Looking back over the week makes me tired. I have done so much over the week and weekend I feel as though my life is a blur... There has been no time for me to sit down and reflect on the things I have done, nor have I had time to do the things I truly want to do.

Maybe I have been using the fact I am busy as an excuse. Maybe what is stopping me from doing what I want to do is fear. Fear.... Fear is something that is different for different people. I fear but a few things and so far I am running away from one of the things I am afraid of.

This week I have done a mixture of things so that I would not have to face my fear. I defrosted my freezer at home on Wednesday night, kickboxing on Thursday night, met with old friends for dinner and drinks on Friday night, another friends birthday on Saturday night and dinner with another friend tonight, Sunday.

No matter how busy I have been I am constantly thinking of that which I fear most... rejection from someone I like.

But for a week I will put it all behind me and disappear to Hong Kong where I will see my grandmother and pay my respects to my grandfather. Maybe when I come back I will feel different. Maybe when I come back things will have changed. Maybe when I come back nothing will have changed and I feel no different? Who knows...

Wednesday 18 April 2007

Dinner in London

On Monday night, after work, I drove in to London to meet a friend for dinner. She had cancelled on me a couple of weeks earlier due to being busy, but we managed to find an evening free for a meal.

The plan was to meet at South Kensington Station for 6.30pm and I was running about 5 minutes late so I called my friend to let her know. She said she would not be there on time either so we left it at that. I actually arrived on time and parked up on a single yellow line opposite the station. I expect my friend to be late so I sat there and waited patiently....

10 minutes passed and she still hadn't turned up. I thought nothing of it as it is quite a distance for my friend to walk although I did offer to pick her up from work, but she declined and said she wanted to enjoy the sun a bit. Anyway, another 10 minutes passed and I was beginning to get worried. But I resisted the temptation to call as I didn't want to come across too pushy!

I continued to wait... It was now 7pm and I started to think that she had changed her mind and decided to take a rain check without telling me. But again I held out and convinced myself that she was just taking her time. At 7.08pm I called... I had booked the table for 7.30pm and I needed the toilet! It turned out she had been waiting for 40minutes herself, but INSIDE the station rather than OUTSIDE! I thought she was going to call when she arrived, and she thought I would call when I arrived. We were literally less than 100m apart and both wondering when the other was going to arrive!

When we realised what had happened I drove round to where I thought she was waiting... but it turned out she was still waiting inside so I had to circle round again and called her to come out! What a start to th evening!

So... at 7.15pm we finally met up and I drove to Benihana in Chelsea where we were having dinner. Unfortunately I hadn't been there before and finding a parking place became a bit of an issue, although a bit of searching a little bit further than I preferred I found a place and we walked to the restaurant.

I had been to Benihana at Swiss Cottage before so I knew what to expect, but my friend was amazed and seemed to revel in the decor and the performances by the chefs cooking at the table. She didn't know what to choose so I made the decision for her and we both got the wagyu beef and lobster Hibachi set dinner and some sushi as a side order.

The whole atmosphere of the restaurant is very lively and although you have to sit with other guests at the table it was still very intimate at the same time. We talked, shared stories about family and friends. It was very good company and very good food. Couple that with an expert chef cooking the food in front of us it just made it a lovely evening meal and something I haven't enjoyed in such a long time. Even the bill coming in at £155.00 didn't put a dempner on things as I don't think you can put a price on good company and food.

Time passed very quickly and it seemed like the meal was over just as we got started. What made my evening was seeing the smile on my friends face which never went away. It was worth the money just to see that alone. :)

I drove her home and felt sad to say good bye as I don't know when I will see her next. But thats life... I have learnt to enjoy the moments I have and I will hold on to these memories for the future.

Thank you for having dinner with me... it was good to see you again. I hope we can meet up again soon....

Sunday 15 April 2007

Shattered...

As expected, after stuffing our face with BBQ food my cousins and a few friends gathered for a friendly kick about at the park. there was enough for 6-a-side which was a decent number really. Under the heat of the blazing sun we battled for over an hour. Kids as young as 9 mixing it up with the likes of me... 29!

It was brilliant fun but the we definitely felt the heat kick in when we finished! The bottles of water we had were downed in seconds and we all collapsed in a heap on the grass as we tried to cool down.

Once we had recovered a little, all the cousins got together for a group photo. It's a bit of a tradition, albeit a fairly new one, but we all tried to balance ourselves on a seesaw and posed for a photo. For some reason my end hit the ground and the other end was lofted into the air...

Life can be so simple and fun sometimes... if only my body was better conditioned I wouldn't feel so shattered! Time to hit the GYM!!

Photos can be found at my imagestation.

Saturday 14 April 2007

Long 4 day week

It might have been a 4 day week, but it has been really S L O W... The reason for this is due to many of the clients being away on holidays and also the management team at a conference in Lisbon. Leaving me and a few others behind to hold fort! Nothing to do and a girl who whinges a lot makes each day feel like a week!

Thank goodness for the weekend! By the time I get back to work on Monday everyone will be back and I won't be as bored... I hope!

Friday I decided to scoot off to London after work to meet a friend for a bite to eat and a catch up session. It was a bit of a mission though and I was quite low on petrol and reluctant to fill up. So I drove like a snail there and like a snail back. Just as I got home the petrol warning light came on! Talk about good timing!

When I got home I was quite tired, but ended up talking to my friends girlfriend for about an hour on MSN. Though we have only known each other a short time, I think we get on quite well with surprisingly similar interests! She wanted to know a bit more about her boyfriend (my friend) and I got some girly advice for my relationship issues... it was good to talk!

Today I woke up too early, 7am, so I forced myself back to sleep. Got up at 11am instead... MUCH better! And since the weather was very nice again, I washed my car and mowed the lawn. Hell, I was feeling generous I even washed my dad's car! When I had finished I felt a bit guilty for putting on weight so I had a work out session in the garden... the weather was so nice that I even got a book out to read in the sun! But rather than sitting in the sun, I walked around the garden.

Later on I will be going up to my aunt's in Essex for my cousins birthday BBQ tomorrow... should be fun! Will definitely catch some sun....