Looking back over the week makes me tired. I have done so much over the week and weekend I feel as though my life is a blur... There has been no time for me to sit down and reflect on the things I have done, nor have I had time to do the things I truly want to do.

Maybe I have been using the fact I am busy as an excuse. Maybe what is stopping me from doing what I want to do is fear. Fear.... Fear is something that is different for different people. I fear but a few things and so far I am running away from one of the things I am afraid of.

This week I have done a mixture of things so that I would not have to face my fear. I defrosted my freezer at home on Wednesday night, kickboxing on Thursday night, met with old friends for dinner and drinks on Friday night, another friends birthday on Saturday night and dinner with another friend tonight, Sunday.

No matter how busy I have been I am constantly thinking of that which I fear most... rejection from someone I like.

But for a week I will put it all behind me and disappear to Hong Kong where I will see my grandmother and pay my respects to my grandfather. Maybe when I come back I will feel different. Maybe when I come back things will have changed. Maybe when I come back nothing will have changed and I feel no different? Who knows...

Dinner in London

On Monday night, after work, I drove in to London to meet a friend for dinner. She had cancelled on me a couple of weeks earlier due to being busy, but we managed to find an evening free for a meal.

The plan was to meet at South Kensington Station for 6.30pm and I was running about 5 minutes late so I called my friend to let her know. She said she would not be there on time either so we left it at that. I actually arrived on time and parked up on a single yellow line opposite the station. I expect my friend to be late so I sat there and waited patiently....

10 minutes passed and she still hadn't turned up. I thought nothing of it as it is quite a distance for my friend to walk although I did offer to pick her up from work, but she declined and said she wanted to enjoy the sun a bit. Anyway, another 10 minutes passed and I was beginning to get worried. But I resisted the temptation to call as I didn't want to come across too pushy!

I continued to wait... It was now 7pm and I started to think that she had changed her mind and decided to take a rain check without telling me. But again I held out and convinced myself that she was just taking her time. At 7.08pm I called... I had booked the table for 7.30pm and I needed the toilet! It turned out she had been waiting for 40minutes herself, but INSIDE the station rather than OUTSIDE! I thought she was going to call when she arrived, and she thought I would call when I arrived. We were literally less than 100m apart and both wondering when the other was going to arrive!

When we realised what had happened I drove round to where I thought she was waiting... but it turned out she was still waiting inside so I had to circle round again and called her to come out! What a start to th evening!

So... at 7.15pm we finally met up and I drove to Benihana in Chelsea where we were having dinner. Unfortunately I hadn't been there before and finding a parking place became a bit of an issue, although a bit of searching a little bit further than I preferred I found a place and we walked to the restaurant.

I had been to Benihana at Swiss Cottage before so I knew what to expect, but my friend was amazed and seemed to revel in the decor and the performances by the chefs cooking at the table. She didn't know what to choose so I made the decision for her and we both got the wagyu beef and lobster Hibachi set dinner and some sushi as a side order.

The whole atmosphere of the restaurant is very lively and although you have to sit with other guests at the table it was still very intimate at the same time. We talked, shared stories about family and friends. It was very good company and very good food. Couple that with an expert chef cooking the food in front of us it just made it a lovely evening meal and something I haven't enjoyed in such a long time. Even the bill coming in at £155.00 didn't put a dempner on things as I don't think you can put a price on good company and food.

Time passed very quickly and it seemed like the meal was over just as we got started. What made my evening was seeing the smile on my friends face which never went away. It was worth the money just to see that alone. :)

I drove her home and felt sad to say good bye as I don't know when I will see her next. But thats life... I have learnt to enjoy the moments I have and I will hold on to these memories for the future.

Thank you for having dinner with me... it was good to see you again. I hope we can meet up again soon....

Shattered...

As expected, after stuffing our face with BBQ food my cousins and a few friends gathered for a friendly kick about at the park. there was enough for 6-a-side which was a decent number really. Under the heat of the blazing sun we battled for over an hour. Kids as young as 9 mixing it up with the likes of me... 29!

It was brilliant fun but the we definitely felt the heat kick in when we finished! The bottles of water we had were downed in seconds and we all collapsed in a heap on the grass as we tried to cool down.

Once we had recovered a little, all the cousins got together for a group photo. It's a bit of a tradition, albeit a fairly new one, but we all tried to balance ourselves on a seesaw and posed for a photo. For some reason my end hit the ground and the other end was lofted into the air...

Life can be so simple and fun sometimes... if only my body was better conditioned I wouldn't feel so shattered! Time to hit the GYM!!

Photos can be found at my imagestation.

Long 4 day week

It might have been a 4 day week, but it has been really S L O W... The reason for this is due to many of the clients being away on holidays and also the management team at a conference in Lisbon. Leaving me and a few others behind to hold fort! Nothing to do and a girl who whinges a lot makes each day feel like a week!

Thank goodness for the weekend! By the time I get back to work on Monday everyone will be back and I won't be as bored... I hope!

Friday I decided to scoot off to London after work to meet a friend for a bite to eat and a catch up session. It was a bit of a mission though and I was quite low on petrol and reluctant to fill up. So I drove like a snail there and like a snail back. Just as I got home the petrol warning light came on! Talk about good timing!

When I got home I was quite tired, but ended up talking to my friends girlfriend for about an hour on MSN. Though we have only known each other a short time, I think we get on quite well with surprisingly similar interests! She wanted to know a bit more about her boyfriend (my friend) and I got some girly advice for my relationship issues... it was good to talk!

Today I woke up too early, 7am, so I forced myself back to sleep. Got up at 11am instead... MUCH better! And since the weather was very nice again, I washed my car and mowed the lawn. Hell, I was feeling generous I even washed my dad's car! When I had finished I felt a bit guilty for putting on weight so I had a work out session in the garden... the weather was so nice that I even got a book out to read in the sun! But rather than sitting in the sun, I walked around the garden.

Later on I will be going up to my aunt's in Essex for my cousins birthday BBQ tomorrow... should be fun! Will definitely catch some sun....

My Easter Break...

The Easter break is almost over... it's back to work tomorrow! And I can't wait! The break has been good, but it has been far to hectic and I have spent far too much money! But all good things must come to an end...

How did it all start?

It was an early Thursday finish for once and I met up with my uncle and cousins for a burger at the new Gourmet Burger Kitchen in town. It was pretty good, but at the end of the day it was just a burger. Not exactly fine dining to shout and sing about, but worth a visit again at a later date. The rest of the evening was pretty much dead and buried after a heavy burger feast and an early night beckoned...

Friday was a lovely day and I woke up to sun shining into my eyes... TOTALLY uncalled for! But I made the most of the nice weather and mowed the lawn whilst topping up on a little bit of a tan. Since the weather was going to stay nice for the rest of the weekend I decided to wash my car for the third time in 4 weeks! And yet again I managed to walk into our garden gate! Anyway... I cleaned my car and then focused on the alloy wheels individually, making sure that I scrubbed as much brake dust away as possible! The car looked amazingly new with clean wheels! That evening I went to my uncles with my cousins and we had a kick around for about 90minutes. It was a nice little calorie burn, but I probably piled it back on again with a heavy dinner!

Saturday was an early start! Well, 9am start... I had to drive to Woking to pick up my friend and make our way to Bath. Stopping en route at the services to meet the rest of the group from London. It was a lovely drive and a lovely day! Although we didn't get to see much of the city I really enjoyed the Roman Baths and learning a bit about it's history. It is quite amazing the 'technology' they had which even today's average Joe could not reproduce! The trip to Bath was cut short for me as I had to drive my friend back to London for a birthday... I then stopped by my other friends house to play a few rounds of mah jong... which subsequently finished around 4am! I went home, and managed 30mins nap before getting up to pick up my cousin and drop him off at Guildford train station for his school trip to France. I got home around 7am and slept till 1pm.

My short sleep was woken by text messages and 'nudges' on MSN asking me to go yum cha at Heathrow followed by bowling. I duly obliged and before I knew it 7pm hit and we were back at my friends house contemplating what to do for dinner. And with the flash of a light bulb the suggestion to have a BBQ was put forward! And within the hour we had defrosted some prawns, sausages, burgers, fishball, etc... set up the BBQ and we were cooking away by 8.30pm. The weather was perfect for a BBQ and we sat around the fire, cooking, eating, talking, laughing... it was very relaxing and enjoyable until I 'cooked' my finger on a red hot BBQ fork! But I took it like a man and sucked up the pain... By now it was near to 11pm and getting a bit chilly, so we packed up and retired indoors. After a short DVD on racing and cars we left to go home to sleep.

Monday... I was shattered, but again I was awoken by a text message. After much deliberation I decided to respond. It was a friend who had nothing to do all day so I said I would join her for lunch. After putting washing into the washing machine and cleaning up my room I set off to have a 'quick' pub lunch for 3 hours! It was packed at the pub and food took nearly 90minutes to get to us! And when it arrived, it wasn't even that good! Typical really! We still managed to find time for me to buy some light bulbs for my car and also my friend found a top too... so at least we achieved something! I went home around 6pm and was winding down the weekend rush. I had some food a but later and end up napping quite a bit! After I woke up I felt a bit dazed... I tried to wake up but I was too shattered and ended up going to sleep by 9.30pm. BUT I woke up again at 4.30am! SO I forced myself to sleep before waking up to go to work.

It was a slow day. But since it was the first day back and also a Tuesday it felt good to be almost halfway through the week already! Didn't have too much to do as most customers are on holiday and the majority of our management are away in Lisbon for a partners conference. I headed off home pretty much dead on 5.30pm as I had to meet my 'service' guy to do my car's 100k miles service. He picked it up at 6pm and I was left at the take away, helping until the car was returned at 10pm. £150 lighter in the pocket but my car felt really good and tight again! There are a few niggly bits, but nothing to be too concerned with.

Tomorrow night I am going karaoke with some friends in London. Thursday is kick boxing. Friday a friend has asked me to go clubbing. Saturday I have to pick up cousin on his return from France. Sunday is up in Essex for another cousins birthday. Monday I am having dinner with a friend....

I seem to be so busy!!! I can't wait for a quiet day in now....

Hope everyone had a good Easter break... I am loving the empty roads on the way in to work! :D

Fuck it...

You know there have been a lot of things on my mind of late. It comes mainly down to the problem of women. Everything else in my life is pretty good. I have good friends, a good job with great people and I am probably the most healthy I have been for over a decade! But I have been writing quite delicately about my feelings and it is driving my crazy. I know that I have a few frequent readers from my blog counter, and that some of you are from HK, USA, UK and around Europe. I am pretty sure I don’t know all of you but thanks for dropping by. I am happy to have people find my life of interest! So I felt I should share how I really feel...

So what is it about women? It seems like I am doing quite well in terms of getting their attention just by being myself… but yet I am still single. Strange eh? Are the girls unattractive? No… Do they have an awful personality? No… Are they young girls? No…

Basically all the girls tick the right boxes and it’s my own fear of commitment. And where does that stem from? My ex.

It has nearly been 3 years since that sad day for me. It took me 2 years to get over her. But nearly a year after I lost ‘that feeling’ for her I am still at her mercy! Do I want to get back with her? No. Does she want to get back with me? No.

My problem is how quickly she has moved on again and again from one guy to the next. Seeing her this way makes me somewhat jealous at times for her ability to suppress the feelings we once had for one another. But I am also happy for her to find someone who can make her happy too! But inevitably I am saddened when it doesn’t work out and she is left feeling hurt. I try to remove myself from her life as much as possible, but the amount of time we have known each other and the close bond we developed makes it very difficult as she is probably my best friend…

OK… so I don’t want to be with her, I have lots of possibilities with other very nice girls. Why am I complaining?

My list of girls who I am interested in…. 2 of them have boyfriends, one is a friends ex, another 3 have approached me on an online dating site and then there is one other who I really don’t know if she is joking with me or not.

WOW… that seems like a long list! I should be flattered or I should be given a big ‘wake up call’ slap! These are the girls who I talk to the most and I have been on a date with a few of them, whilst others are trying to get a date with me…

I should be so happy! They are all pretty girls with really nice personalities and they all share some similar interests with me. But, I am finding flaws in them too… *sigh*. Am I being too critical? Should I just take a chance and see what develops? It is at this point that I wonder if the next girlfriend will be the one I marry.

It’s all good and well for me to have ‘fun’ with some of these girls, but I find it very difficult because I am quite traditional when it comes to relationships. It would just not be in my nature to act in this manner. And in a sense it is not commitment that I fear. It is the fear of rejection or my own regret at choosing to be with the wrong girl and wasting my time on a partnership that would not work.

There is just nothing I can do at the moment that would make things better really… In some ways I wish I could go back to feeling the pain I was in for the 2 years after my split from my ex. At least then I knew who I loved, and I had one true focus to complete my MBA. But today I have no other worries. The only thing that would make my life complete is to find my future wife… settle down and start a family. This dream seems very unlikely at this moment in time and my own negativity towards relationships failing is not really helping. I must be doing something right, though, if I am attracting girls… even with a face like MINE!!

I think I need some time to clear my mind. And I have a great opportunity at the end of the month when I go back to HK. I will see my grandmother and spend most of my time with her as I haven’t seen her in 18months! It seems quite depressing that I have spent such little time with my grandfather when he was alive. I should cherish the moments I have left with my grandmother now. And whilst I am there I would like to climb the mountain our family village is built on and see where my father and his fathers before him lived. I might be the last of a generation that will really care about family history and it would be something I like to preserve in my mind.

Just going back to relationships… I realised that there are probably many people who we are compatible with and could quite happily spend the rest of our lives with too. But it is the timing that is critical. I know that if I had met my ex at a later stage in life I think we would be married. Then there are girls who might be even better for me than my ex who appeared during my 2 years of sadness that I wasn’t ready for. The timing of who we meet makes a big difference on who are partners will be. I guess what is most important is that I find the right girl at the right time. The girl may have already appeared, but is it the right time for me and for her too?

Something about me..

I should tell you a bit about myself. I am very clumsy! I am constantly hurting and injuring myself on a regular basis.

Today I managed to hurt myself walking into the corner of a wall whilst going into the office for work. Basically I smacked my knuckle into the corner and its bruised. Later on this evening I managed to stub 3 toes in one go on an exercise bike! And if that isn't enough to demonstrate my clumsiness, I hurt myself each time I washed my car on the last 3 occasions! And each time it was on the side gate. I elbowed the brick wall once whilst trying to take a photo. I 'shouldered' the wall as I was walking through and the most recent time I avoided the wall by walking into the metal bolt on the steel gate!

Other minor things like cutting myself shaving one morning, closing the door of my car before my foot is fully inside and cutting my finger whilst slicing tomatoes. These are all things that have occurred in the last 7 days!

I think I will start an injury log alongside my blog. Just to keep count of how much of a danger I am to myself! I will be able to see just how clumsy I really am!