My Easter Break...

The Easter break is almost over... it's back to work tomorrow! And I can't wait! The break has been good, but it has been far to hectic and I have spent far too much money! But all good things must come to an end...

How did it all start?

It was an early Thursday finish for once and I met up with my uncle and cousins for a burger at the new Gourmet Burger Kitchen in town. It was pretty good, but at the end of the day it was just a burger. Not exactly fine dining to shout and sing about, but worth a visit again at a later date. The rest of the evening was pretty much dead and buried after a heavy burger feast and an early night beckoned...

Friday was a lovely day and I woke up to sun shining into my eyes... TOTALLY uncalled for! But I made the most of the nice weather and mowed the lawn whilst topping up on a little bit of a tan. Since the weather was going to stay nice for the rest of the weekend I decided to wash my car for the third time in 4 weeks! And yet again I managed to walk into our garden gate! Anyway... I cleaned my car and then focused on the alloy wheels individually, making sure that I scrubbed as much brake dust away as possible! The car looked amazingly new with clean wheels! That evening I went to my uncles with my cousins and we had a kick around for about 90minutes. It was a nice little calorie burn, but I probably piled it back on again with a heavy dinner!

Saturday was an early start! Well, 9am start... I had to drive to Woking to pick up my friend and make our way to Bath. Stopping en route at the services to meet the rest of the group from London. It was a lovely drive and a lovely day! Although we didn't get to see much of the city I really enjoyed the Roman Baths and learning a bit about it's history. It is quite amazing the 'technology' they had which even today's average Joe could not reproduce! The trip to Bath was cut short for me as I had to drive my friend back to London for a birthday... I then stopped by my other friends house to play a few rounds of mah jong... which subsequently finished around 4am! I went home, and managed 30mins nap before getting up to pick up my cousin and drop him off at Guildford train station for his school trip to France. I got home around 7am and slept till 1pm.

My short sleep was woken by text messages and 'nudges' on MSN asking me to go yum cha at Heathrow followed by bowling. I duly obliged and before I knew it 7pm hit and we were back at my friends house contemplating what to do for dinner. And with the flash of a light bulb the suggestion to have a BBQ was put forward! And within the hour we had defrosted some prawns, sausages, burgers, fishball, etc... set up the BBQ and we were cooking away by 8.30pm. The weather was perfect for a BBQ and we sat around the fire, cooking, eating, talking, laughing... it was very relaxing and enjoyable until I 'cooked' my finger on a red hot BBQ fork! But I took it like a man and sucked up the pain... By now it was near to 11pm and getting a bit chilly, so we packed up and retired indoors. After a short DVD on racing and cars we left to go home to sleep.

Monday... I was shattered, but again I was awoken by a text message. After much deliberation I decided to respond. It was a friend who had nothing to do all day so I said I would join her for lunch. After putting washing into the washing machine and cleaning up my room I set off to have a 'quick' pub lunch for 3 hours! It was packed at the pub and food took nearly 90minutes to get to us! And when it arrived, it wasn't even that good! Typical really! We still managed to find time for me to buy some light bulbs for my car and also my friend found a top too... so at least we achieved something! I went home around 6pm and was winding down the weekend rush. I had some food a but later and end up napping quite a bit! After I woke up I felt a bit dazed... I tried to wake up but I was too shattered and ended up going to sleep by 9.30pm. BUT I woke up again at 4.30am! SO I forced myself to sleep before waking up to go to work.

It was a slow day. But since it was the first day back and also a Tuesday it felt good to be almost halfway through the week already! Didn't have too much to do as most customers are on holiday and the majority of our management are away in Lisbon for a partners conference. I headed off home pretty much dead on 5.30pm as I had to meet my 'service' guy to do my car's 100k miles service. He picked it up at 6pm and I was left at the take away, helping until the car was returned at 10pm. £150 lighter in the pocket but my car felt really good and tight again! There are a few niggly bits, but nothing to be too concerned with.

Tomorrow night I am going karaoke with some friends in London. Thursday is kick boxing. Friday a friend has asked me to go clubbing. Saturday I have to pick up cousin on his return from France. Sunday is up in Essex for another cousins birthday. Monday I am having dinner with a friend....

I seem to be so busy!!! I can't wait for a quiet day in now....

Hope everyone had a good Easter break... I am loving the empty roads on the way in to work! :D

Fuck it...

You know there have been a lot of things on my mind of late. It comes mainly down to the problem of women. Everything else in my life is pretty good. I have good friends, a good job with great people and I am probably the most healthy I have been for over a decade! But I have been writing quite delicately about my feelings and it is driving my crazy. I know that I have a few frequent readers from my blog counter, and that some of you are from HK, USA, UK and around Europe. I am pretty sure I don’t know all of you but thanks for dropping by. I am happy to have people find my life of interest! So I felt I should share how I really feel...

So what is it about women? It seems like I am doing quite well in terms of getting their attention just by being myself… but yet I am still single. Strange eh? Are the girls unattractive? No… Do they have an awful personality? No… Are they young girls? No…

Basically all the girls tick the right boxes and it’s my own fear of commitment. And where does that stem from? My ex.

It has nearly been 3 years since that sad day for me. It took me 2 years to get over her. But nearly a year after I lost ‘that feeling’ for her I am still at her mercy! Do I want to get back with her? No. Does she want to get back with me? No.

My problem is how quickly she has moved on again and again from one guy to the next. Seeing her this way makes me somewhat jealous at times for her ability to suppress the feelings we once had for one another. But I am also happy for her to find someone who can make her happy too! But inevitably I am saddened when it doesn’t work out and she is left feeling hurt. I try to remove myself from her life as much as possible, but the amount of time we have known each other and the close bond we developed makes it very difficult as she is probably my best friend…

OK… so I don’t want to be with her, I have lots of possibilities with other very nice girls. Why am I complaining?

My list of girls who I am interested in…. 2 of them have boyfriends, one is a friends ex, another 3 have approached me on an online dating site and then there is one other who I really don’t know if she is joking with me or not.

WOW… that seems like a long list! I should be flattered or I should be given a big ‘wake up call’ slap! These are the girls who I talk to the most and I have been on a date with a few of them, whilst others are trying to get a date with me…

I should be so happy! They are all pretty girls with really nice personalities and they all share some similar interests with me. But, I am finding flaws in them too… *sigh*. Am I being too critical? Should I just take a chance and see what develops? It is at this point that I wonder if the next girlfriend will be the one I marry.

It’s all good and well for me to have ‘fun’ with some of these girls, but I find it very difficult because I am quite traditional when it comes to relationships. It would just not be in my nature to act in this manner. And in a sense it is not commitment that I fear. It is the fear of rejection or my own regret at choosing to be with the wrong girl and wasting my time on a partnership that would not work.

There is just nothing I can do at the moment that would make things better really… In some ways I wish I could go back to feeling the pain I was in for the 2 years after my split from my ex. At least then I knew who I loved, and I had one true focus to complete my MBA. But today I have no other worries. The only thing that would make my life complete is to find my future wife… settle down and start a family. This dream seems very unlikely at this moment in time and my own negativity towards relationships failing is not really helping. I must be doing something right, though, if I am attracting girls… even with a face like MINE!!

I think I need some time to clear my mind. And I have a great opportunity at the end of the month when I go back to HK. I will see my grandmother and spend most of my time with her as I haven’t seen her in 18months! It seems quite depressing that I have spent such little time with my grandfather when he was alive. I should cherish the moments I have left with my grandmother now. And whilst I am there I would like to climb the mountain our family village is built on and see where my father and his fathers before him lived. I might be the last of a generation that will really care about family history and it would be something I like to preserve in my mind.

Just going back to relationships… I realised that there are probably many people who we are compatible with and could quite happily spend the rest of our lives with too. But it is the timing that is critical. I know that if I had met my ex at a later stage in life I think we would be married. Then there are girls who might be even better for me than my ex who appeared during my 2 years of sadness that I wasn’t ready for. The timing of who we meet makes a big difference on who are partners will be. I guess what is most important is that I find the right girl at the right time. The girl may have already appeared, but is it the right time for me and for her too?

Something about me..

I should tell you a bit about myself. I am very clumsy! I am constantly hurting and injuring myself on a regular basis.

Today I managed to hurt myself walking into the corner of a wall whilst going into the office for work. Basically I smacked my knuckle into the corner and its bruised. Later on this evening I managed to stub 3 toes in one go on an exercise bike! And if that isn't enough to demonstrate my clumsiness, I hurt myself each time I washed my car on the last 3 occasions! And each time it was on the side gate. I elbowed the brick wall once whilst trying to take a photo. I 'shouldered' the wall as I was walking through and the most recent time I avoided the wall by walking into the metal bolt on the steel gate!

Other minor things like cutting myself shaving one morning, closing the door of my car before my foot is fully inside and cutting my finger whilst slicing tomatoes. These are all things that have occurred in the last 7 days!

I think I will start an injury log alongside my blog. Just to keep count of how much of a danger I am to myself! I will be able to see just how clumsy I really am!

Vegetarian debate and hitting targets...

Is this a vegetable?

My cousin who is 19 in the summer has been a vegetarian for nearly 2 years. The other night we were having dinner with family and relatives when a dish arrived and he was offered some... oysters. In a Chinese tradition, oysters are classified as a vegetarian food. But in the western world it is a meat.

At this point I started to ask him what he would and would not eat. He said he would not eat meat. Fair comment coming from a vegetarian and one that is quite correct. However this statement is based solely on the basis of the way western world has labelled different foods and placed them into categories. My cousin is 100% against eating meat but I argued that meat is just a word. A word that has been used by humans to describe things of a similar structure. So in this world an oyster is a meat, but in a Chinese society an oyster is a non-meat food.

So are vegetarians just avoiding meat? Yes... so does that mean if we relabelled our beef, chicken, pork and lamb into vegetable classifications then vegetarians will eat them too? My cousin then argued that he only eats 'primary' food source. Vegetation from when the world began. But then I questioned why he ate eggs and cheese and milk which are not primary food sources.

I have come to my own conclusion that humans have too many issues in the written and spoken language which can give rise to many problems in communications. We all do what we choose and we have to try to justify it with words that do not and can not explain what we really feel to another person. In most cases actions are louder and clearer than words.

********************

He shoots, he scores!

One of my long term targets was achieved on 29th March 2007. I attended my MBA graduation ceremony. I would say it was 3-4 years from when I first considered doing the MBA to completion. It seemed somewhat surreal but I really felt I had finally acheived something of my own through my own hard work.

This was followed the next day by smashing through my target set at work which meant I will be getting a bonus next month! Although I cannot stake a claim to doing this by myself, I do know that my contribution to the team effort was significant and I can see how the way different people work achieve different results too.

As long as we set ourselves a target we normally achieve it. Our targets have to be clear and attainable and we have to believe in ourselves. I feel as though I am comfortable in setting myself a goal and getting there in the end.

On that note I am off to complete the next goal I set myself... finding a wife! Only joking... It's a Saturday morning and the weather is great.. I am off to wash my car. It deserves a good clean after its 100,000mile mark....

100,000 miles later...

19th July 2002 I started my relationship with my car... Honda Civic Type R. At that moment in life I was inbetween work. Just having finished from Carphone Warehouse and about to start a new job in Bedfordshire. I was in a fairly serious relationship. I had no particular plans and lived each day as it came.

100,000 miles later I have just attended my MBA graduation ceremony. I am in a stable job. I have a couple of properties but I am single. But we all know that... *yawns* I want to talk about where my 100,000 miles have come from.

To begin with I did very little mileage in my car as my new job provided me with a company car so the only time I had to drive my Civic was over the weekend. For a few months this was fine, but I wanted to drive my car more and the company I worked for offered me a car allowance and petrol costs if I returned the company car and used my own. I said yes and the mileage started to increase!

I racked up a lot of miles travelling to and from client sites, going home, visiting my girlfriend and friends. I also got my first speeding ticket in many years when I was driving to collect the keys to my first house. 37mph in a 30mph zone... it wasn't excessive, but I was speeding.

I left Bedford after 18months and rented out the house. It was at this moment that I tried to set up my own company and business which was not very successful as the uptake was slow and I could not progress further without funds.

In the end (Nov 2003) I worked for my dad at his newly purchased restaurant on a full time basis and that meant a 60mile daily commute along with a weekly drive to London to see my girlfriend. This went on for about 6 months. After that my relationship ended and I was going out to London less. In fact I was pretty much doing nothing except staying in. There were odd trips to London to see friends, but not so frequent. This coincided with starting a new job in a software development company.

Another 6 months passed and suddenly I found myself working at Carphone Warehouse again and playing football for a team in Birmingham! Weekly drives up were not unknown... even as far as Manchester for a match! I was doing nearly 500miles a week at time... and always over 400miles per week!

It wasn't until I started my MBA that I slowed down my mileage. There was no time for me to go out. I could not afford to pay for petrol... It was a difficult time to be social. During this time I was close to 80,000miles. and it has taken me 18 months to do the final 20,000 which is almost unheard of for me!

Other than the daily drives and trips to Birmingham there have been a few significant and memorable drives...

One that springs to mind is the round trip from Basingstoke to Bristol to Birmingham to Manchester to Birmingham to Basingstoke to Bristol to Basingstoke all in the space of 30 hours! a good 800miles!

Another from Bedford to Leeds to Basingstoke in 6 hours.

Basingstoke to Bristol to Cardiff to Taunton to Basingstoke.

Basingstoke to Kent to London to Kent to Basingstoke.

Other single trips to Worthing, Brighton, Bournemouth, Stansted, Alton Towers, Old Trafford, Manchester Airport....

This car has been places with me and it has been the most reliable to date. I have only ever had to replace tyres, brakes, bulbs and the clutch. Never had a mechanical fault nor has it ever broken down (touch wood).

I think it will be amazing if I manage to reach 200,000 miles... but then I will probably have sold it by then. That will be a very sad day for me...

100,000miles gone. I have my MBA, a career and a couple of properties. What will another 100,000miles bring?

Holding back my words...

It's been a week since I last updated my blog. I have been meaning to write something almost every night but I found it difficult to write down what I wanted to say.

Work is picking up with the end of the quarter next Friday. Our team has been set a target of $230K of renewal orders for this week so that we may earn a bonus. I managed to pick up $70k last week so hopefull between 3 of us we can each bring $80k! I need the money after a heavy month of spending!

I have been kept pretty busy by my friends during the weekdays with random last minute get togethers twice in a week! I also met up with a cousin I hadn't talked to in many years even though we are only a 10minute drive apart. It's amazing how time passes by without you knowing. We talked for hours looking back at the silly things we used to do when we were younger... 20 years ago in some cases! It's nice to find out what has been happening...

My success with women is somewhat positive, but I feel a bit uncertain about things to be honest. I am flattered that a couple of girls are very keen to get a date with me... I am a bit overwhelmed really. I hate the feeling of knowing more than one person likes me. I feel really guilty for letting any one of them down. But I am also very much a one girl guy. In fact I am so anal with my principles I will probably just not date any of them just so I won't feel guilty rather than choose someone I like more and make the other feel saddeded or rejected. There are a few other girls who are in the picture too...

For a guy like me who has been in 2 serious relationships, one lasting a year and the other for 6 years, I am not used to being so popular with the ladies. I sound big headed now, and to be honest I probably am just lying to myself to make myself feel good. The truth is I really don't know how these girls feel about me. I am happy that they enjoy talking to me and even wanting to spend time with me, but I really am confused as to where I stand with them. Have I got to play my cards before they play theirs?

Anyway... enough about my imaginative love life!

Today I went on my friend's stag do (he's marrying my cousin). I left the house at 10am and I got back just before 4am (18hours!). We started the day with a country drive to Aylesbury where we had clay pigeon shooting and quad biking. The sun was shining and the air was warm... until we reached the farm where this all took place. Then the wind picked up, the clouds appeared and we were freezing! But the day was great fun! I managed to hit 29/46 clay pigeons which I was pretty chuffed with. And quad biking was also really good, though it would have been even better had it been a bit warmer. When the event finished we all headed back to get cleaned up and ready for the evening...

The evening part took place in Reading where we had a meal at a nice Italian restaurant and then we tried to make our way to the bars. None of them appreciated 24 guys trying to get into one place. In the end we had to split into 6-7 groups and managed to wander our way into Walkabout. Some drinks and cheesy music as well as some power ballads later we tried again to find a pub that would take us in... alas none were receptive! SOOO as a last resort *rolleyes* we RELUCTANYLY went to the strip bar. I have been to a ones in London before and I wasn't very impressed. But this time it was really good. The girls are much more friendly and more like real people. And to be honest they were mostly better looking too! My younger cousins of 18-20 loved it and I bought them a dance each. I shouldn't go into too much detail as the bride might end up reading this so I will just say that the stag was very well behaved and did not get into trouble or anything bad!

In a way my week has been pretty good and lots of positives to take, but I have knack of adding a pinch of negativity into things. It's not that I don't want to be happy, but I just know the happier I get the sadder I feel when things eventually don't end the way I wanted it to. I remain reserved in my judgement until things are 100%... which, at this rate, I really can't imagine when that will be!

BUT I do have some good news for next week as I will be attending my graduation ceremony for my MBA. This time last year I was stressing over coursework whilst trying to prepare for exams and feeling rather depressed in seeing my cousins buying their own place with their partners whereas I was lonely and single and stressed and tired. It was not a good patch last year.... but 12 months on I have 2 properties, got my MBA, in a decent job and getting popular with the girls (or so I think anyway!).

I wonder where I will be in another 12 months time?

Written and deleted...

I just deleted a long blog I wrote... I feel better to have written it down, but I am afraid to share it with the world. It's about two people.

So much to say, so little words...

I tend to write a lot in my blogs... but what am I trying to say?

This week I have applied a mental block and applied myself to many things to take my mind off my emotions and feelings. The physical pain of kick boxing and conditioning work has made my abs ache for 2 days and has helped reduce my emotional stress (plus rock hard abs are cool!).

Last night I spent 10 hours out in London celebrating two friend's birthday one after another and I really had a laugh and also bumped into some old friends. But then I was a bit shocked to find a message on one of my 'network' websites. I was quite taken aback but was happy too. It was a short and sweet message... thank you.

Some things are difficult to put to words and this is one of those things...

Mixed emotions...

Recently I have been having bouts of depression. It's not been good as I have been pushing people I love and care about away. I get easily agitated and find myself more of a recluse. It's like a knee-jerk reaction with me. The moment things seem to head south I start to push people away... especially the people I don't want to push away. I am such a weirdo sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me!

The other week I was pretty much over the moon with my 'date' and was generally feeling quite elated. We are still talking on a daily basis but events in between have caused me to doubt and question. On one hand I think she is great, but on another I fear I am being played. Hey, it wouldn't be the first time so it's no big deal, plus it's not like we have taken it any further. But having been alone for nearly 3 years and getting to an age where marriage is constantly on the tip of my relatives tongue it is difficult not to seek out someone for a serious relationship.

Is it really that hard to find someone to share my life with? Honestly speaking... No. I may come across arrogant and big headed but I think I am a decent guy with decent qualities. And really I'm not short on offers if I just pressed a little further with some of the girls... who knows? I may not be the best looking guy in the world, but I am honest and caring. I may not be mega rich, but I am financially secure for the rest of my life. I may not be as spontaneous as others, but I am thoughtful and romantic. So why am I single....

But, in my opinion, why pursue something that is not my ideal? It wouldn't be fair on me and it definitely wouldn't be fair on the girl. I would much rather stay single and not mess with people's emotion than to end up in a relationship I regret. I have met quite a few nice girls recently and they all possess certain qualities I really find attractive. Is that enough though? Am I just being too picky and trying too hard?

This has been dragged up due to falling for someone. But which one?! It has been so long since I have had these feelings that I am slightly confused as to what I am truly feeling. Girls are very confusing creatures!

I feel as though I want to leave this place and get some time alone in a foreign country and just absorbing the sights and sound that nature offers. To have some inner peace to clarify how I feel and determine which girl I truly want to pursue and make something of. Maybe it's not a girl I have met yet... maybe it is. I don't know.

The easiest thing to do is to walk away and not have to face the issues I am encountering. I know is seems cowardly, but I really hate playing games when it comes to relationships. Open and honesty are the main qualities I look for. Everything else I can learn to love or accept when I have found the 'one'.

Why must my happiness always be followed by moments of sadness? Hopefully, one day I will not have to express such mixed emotions....

Camaraderie

Just a word, but this work brings back memories. Some very good memories. It takes me back to a time when I was playing rugby with my friends at college. Friends I had known since I was 11 and friends that grew up together as a unit. For 7 years a group of us played rugby together, year in year out.

It is times like those that I really miss sometimes. But today I relived for a short moment that same feeling I once had. Today I was in London playing in a football tournament near Liverpool St. It was organised by some Thai organisation for oriental teams. My friend called me and asked if I would play and I said yes.

Our team, Boston Manor Concrete FC, was one of 16 teams in the competition. Why the name? Well, our team organiser trains there with his regular team. I actually only knew 2 of the guys who we in our team and met the other 5 players when I arrived. The other guys had never played together before either so we were very much a mismatched team with no idea of what to expect or how well each of us could play.

Anyway, the competition started and we were one of the first teams on. We were losing 2-0 by half time before I came on as a rolling sub, but we still ended up losing 3-0. It was a real shock and disappointment, but we got a feel of how to play for our remaining two matches which we had to win to progress to the quarter finals.

The second game I sat out as I was actually injured from kick boxing on Thursday night. A pulled calf muscle meant running wasn’t easy! The team did really well and we played our tactic of having one upfront at all times pulled off and we won 3-1. We had a glimmer of hope and suddenly a group of individuals who barely knew each other had developed a certain bond and self belief. It was that feeling that reminded me of my rugby days, especially when we used to play in Sevens tournaments which lasted a who day with a similar format.

In out last group match a few of the guys were quite worn out and I played in the final match. My role for the team was back up keeper or else I was in defence as the sweeper. I’m not exactly a small guy and I don’t shy from challenges and I literally threw my body into tackles if necessary, although, on hindsight (and feeling the pain) I do regret it somewhat! We won the last group match 2-1 and we were through to the quarter finals! From having no expectations, we were looking to push ourselves to go further!

We looked around at the other teams playing to eye up the competition and there were some very impressive teams out there! When our quarter final match up, I was sat out for the first half. We lost some silly goals, but we were also getting outplayed, but I felt the score of 5-0 was a bit unfair on us. I came on in the second half and used my physical size to push the other team around. Grazed the whole of my left shin from sliding in for the ball, cuts on the right calf and knee from random contact and blocked a few shots with any part of my body I could get in the way! In the end we scored a couple of consolation goals, but we were knocked out 7-2.

Although we were disappointed, we had a great time as a team and there is very little that can compare to a good team spirit, trust and belief in each other. If we can apply the same team camaraderie in our working life or daily life we would be much more successful in everything that we do. Anyway, we were knocked out and we packed up our things and said our good byes to some of the teams and friends who were still in the competition. Our team went our separate ways, but we are looking forward to playing together again at some point in the future. Thanks guys for a great day! I was proud of what we accomplished and I’m sure we ca improve in future performances.

I know I will feel the aches and pains of my reckless playing style tomorrow, but I am quite competitive in physical sports, and though I will hurt people with my challenges, I do not wish them harm and I am always making sure the other player is ok. However, I won’t back off from a 50-50 ball. Honestly speaking I think I could be quite a good player if only I could improve my fitness level to something close to my prime. Time to hit the road and do some RUNNING!!