Recently I have been having bouts of depression. It's not been good as I have been pushing people I love and care about away. I get easily agitated and find myself more of a recluse. It's like a knee-jerk reaction with me. The moment things seem to head south I start to push people away... especially the people I don't want to push away. I am such a weirdo sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me!
The other week I was pretty much over the moon with my 'date' and was generally feeling quite elated. We are still talking on a daily basis but events in between have caused me to doubt and question. On one hand I think she is great, but on another I fear I am being played. Hey, it wouldn't be the first time so it's no big deal, plus it's not like we have taken it any further. But having been alone for nearly 3 years and getting to an age where marriage is constantly on the tip of my relatives tongue it is difficult not to seek out someone for a serious relationship.
Is it really that hard to find someone to share my life with? Honestly speaking... No. I may come across arrogant and big headed but I think I am a decent guy with decent qualities. And really I'm not short on offers if I just pressed a little further with some of the girls... who knows? I may not be the best looking guy in the world, but I am honest and caring. I may not be mega rich, but I am financially secure for the rest of my life. I may not be as spontaneous as others, but I am thoughtful and romantic. So why am I single....
But, in my opinion, why pursue something that is not my ideal? It wouldn't be fair on me and it definitely wouldn't be fair on the girl. I would much rather stay single and not mess with people's emotion than to end up in a relationship I regret. I have met quite a few nice girls recently and they all possess certain qualities I really find attractive. Is that enough though? Am I just being too picky and trying too hard?
This has been dragged up due to falling for someone. But which one?! It has been so long since I have had these feelings that I am slightly confused as to what I am truly feeling. Girls are very confusing creatures!
I feel as though I want to leave this place and get some time alone in a foreign country and just absorbing the sights and sound that nature offers. To have some inner peace to clarify how I feel and determine which girl I truly want to pursue and make something of. Maybe it's not a girl I have met yet... maybe it is. I don't know.
The easiest thing to do is to walk away and not have to face the issues I am encountering. I know is seems cowardly, but I really hate playing games when it comes to relationships. Open and honesty are the main qualities I look for. Everything else I can learn to love or accept when I have found the 'one'.
Why must my happiness always be followed by moments of sadness? Hopefully, one day I will not have to express such mixed emotions....
2 comments:
Ah Tin..aside from the pressure you suffer from your family, growing up means you want to have a partner. You are right, you are a good person and I'm sure there are plenty of 'offers' as you put it. However its very important to find one you get on with, I tried settling down with someone who I felt 'luke warm' about and believe me when i say, it just doesnt work! Your person will come one day Tin, just hang in there. *hugs*
you know what Tin, when you have found the right girl, you will know as you will feel that spark and special connection and you won't be doubting the relationship... having doubt is always a bad sign i think... Like you i'm in the same situation, always pondering and all the "what if's"
some people say you have to take a chance with love else how would you know if that person is right for you!? but i guess when it comes to this stage in life we dont want to try things out.. we want to find someone who has a potential of staying in our lifes forever...
Is it really such a struggle or is it because we know waht qualities that we are looking for that makes it extra hard to find that right person!? Also could the past have affected the way we see relationships now? Being hurt or cheated on before really dampens the way you see future relationships.. i find it hard to trust guys but then i know i have to not judge all guys and must give people a chance...
ok will stop going on... finding your topics very interesting to read and have alot to say about them too as i really relate and know where you are coming from.. :) chat to me on msn if you want :) also here to listen and give advise where I can from a womens point of view :)
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