Vegetarian debate and hitting targets...

Is this a vegetable?

My cousin who is 19 in the summer has been a vegetarian for nearly 2 years. The other night we were having dinner with family and relatives when a dish arrived and he was offered some... oysters. In a Chinese tradition, oysters are classified as a vegetarian food. But in the western world it is a meat.

At this point I started to ask him what he would and would not eat. He said he would not eat meat. Fair comment coming from a vegetarian and one that is quite correct. However this statement is based solely on the basis of the way western world has labelled different foods and placed them into categories. My cousin is 100% against eating meat but I argued that meat is just a word. A word that has been used by humans to describe things of a similar structure. So in this world an oyster is a meat, but in a Chinese society an oyster is a non-meat food.

So are vegetarians just avoiding meat? Yes... so does that mean if we relabelled our beef, chicken, pork and lamb into vegetable classifications then vegetarians will eat them too? My cousin then argued that he only eats 'primary' food source. Vegetation from when the world began. But then I questioned why he ate eggs and cheese and milk which are not primary food sources.

I have come to my own conclusion that humans have too many issues in the written and spoken language which can give rise to many problems in communications. We all do what we choose and we have to try to justify it with words that do not and can not explain what we really feel to another person. In most cases actions are louder and clearer than words.

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He shoots, he scores!

One of my long term targets was achieved on 29th March 2007. I attended my MBA graduation ceremony. I would say it was 3-4 years from when I first considered doing the MBA to completion. It seemed somewhat surreal but I really felt I had finally acheived something of my own through my own hard work.

This was followed the next day by smashing through my target set at work which meant I will be getting a bonus next month! Although I cannot stake a claim to doing this by myself, I do know that my contribution to the team effort was significant and I can see how the way different people work achieve different results too.

As long as we set ourselves a target we normally achieve it. Our targets have to be clear and attainable and we have to believe in ourselves. I feel as though I am comfortable in setting myself a goal and getting there in the end.

On that note I am off to complete the next goal I set myself... finding a wife! Only joking... It's a Saturday morning and the weather is great.. I am off to wash my car. It deserves a good clean after its 100,000mile mark....

100,000 miles later...

19th July 2002 I started my relationship with my car... Honda Civic Type R. At that moment in life I was inbetween work. Just having finished from Carphone Warehouse and about to start a new job in Bedfordshire. I was in a fairly serious relationship. I had no particular plans and lived each day as it came.

100,000 miles later I have just attended my MBA graduation ceremony. I am in a stable job. I have a couple of properties but I am single. But we all know that... *yawns* I want to talk about where my 100,000 miles have come from.

To begin with I did very little mileage in my car as my new job provided me with a company car so the only time I had to drive my Civic was over the weekend. For a few months this was fine, but I wanted to drive my car more and the company I worked for offered me a car allowance and petrol costs if I returned the company car and used my own. I said yes and the mileage started to increase!

I racked up a lot of miles travelling to and from client sites, going home, visiting my girlfriend and friends. I also got my first speeding ticket in many years when I was driving to collect the keys to my first house. 37mph in a 30mph zone... it wasn't excessive, but I was speeding.

I left Bedford after 18months and rented out the house. It was at this moment that I tried to set up my own company and business which was not very successful as the uptake was slow and I could not progress further without funds.

In the end (Nov 2003) I worked for my dad at his newly purchased restaurant on a full time basis and that meant a 60mile daily commute along with a weekly drive to London to see my girlfriend. This went on for about 6 months. After that my relationship ended and I was going out to London less. In fact I was pretty much doing nothing except staying in. There were odd trips to London to see friends, but not so frequent. This coincided with starting a new job in a software development company.

Another 6 months passed and suddenly I found myself working at Carphone Warehouse again and playing football for a team in Birmingham! Weekly drives up were not unknown... even as far as Manchester for a match! I was doing nearly 500miles a week at time... and always over 400miles per week!

It wasn't until I started my MBA that I slowed down my mileage. There was no time for me to go out. I could not afford to pay for petrol... It was a difficult time to be social. During this time I was close to 80,000miles. and it has taken me 18 months to do the final 20,000 which is almost unheard of for me!

Other than the daily drives and trips to Birmingham there have been a few significant and memorable drives...

One that springs to mind is the round trip from Basingstoke to Bristol to Birmingham to Manchester to Birmingham to Basingstoke to Bristol to Basingstoke all in the space of 30 hours! a good 800miles!

Another from Bedford to Leeds to Basingstoke in 6 hours.

Basingstoke to Bristol to Cardiff to Taunton to Basingstoke.

Basingstoke to Kent to London to Kent to Basingstoke.

Other single trips to Worthing, Brighton, Bournemouth, Stansted, Alton Towers, Old Trafford, Manchester Airport....

This car has been places with me and it has been the most reliable to date. I have only ever had to replace tyres, brakes, bulbs and the clutch. Never had a mechanical fault nor has it ever broken down (touch wood).

I think it will be amazing if I manage to reach 200,000 miles... but then I will probably have sold it by then. That will be a very sad day for me...

100,000miles gone. I have my MBA, a career and a couple of properties. What will another 100,000miles bring?

Holding back my words...

It's been a week since I last updated my blog. I have been meaning to write something almost every night but I found it difficult to write down what I wanted to say.

Work is picking up with the end of the quarter next Friday. Our team has been set a target of $230K of renewal orders for this week so that we may earn a bonus. I managed to pick up $70k last week so hopefull between 3 of us we can each bring $80k! I need the money after a heavy month of spending!

I have been kept pretty busy by my friends during the weekdays with random last minute get togethers twice in a week! I also met up with a cousin I hadn't talked to in many years even though we are only a 10minute drive apart. It's amazing how time passes by without you knowing. We talked for hours looking back at the silly things we used to do when we were younger... 20 years ago in some cases! It's nice to find out what has been happening...

My success with women is somewhat positive, but I feel a bit uncertain about things to be honest. I am flattered that a couple of girls are very keen to get a date with me... I am a bit overwhelmed really. I hate the feeling of knowing more than one person likes me. I feel really guilty for letting any one of them down. But I am also very much a one girl guy. In fact I am so anal with my principles I will probably just not date any of them just so I won't feel guilty rather than choose someone I like more and make the other feel saddeded or rejected. There are a few other girls who are in the picture too...

For a guy like me who has been in 2 serious relationships, one lasting a year and the other for 6 years, I am not used to being so popular with the ladies. I sound big headed now, and to be honest I probably am just lying to myself to make myself feel good. The truth is I really don't know how these girls feel about me. I am happy that they enjoy talking to me and even wanting to spend time with me, but I really am confused as to where I stand with them. Have I got to play my cards before they play theirs?

Anyway... enough about my imaginative love life!

Today I went on my friend's stag do (he's marrying my cousin). I left the house at 10am and I got back just before 4am (18hours!). We started the day with a country drive to Aylesbury where we had clay pigeon shooting and quad biking. The sun was shining and the air was warm... until we reached the farm where this all took place. Then the wind picked up, the clouds appeared and we were freezing! But the day was great fun! I managed to hit 29/46 clay pigeons which I was pretty chuffed with. And quad biking was also really good, though it would have been even better had it been a bit warmer. When the event finished we all headed back to get cleaned up and ready for the evening...

The evening part took place in Reading where we had a meal at a nice Italian restaurant and then we tried to make our way to the bars. None of them appreciated 24 guys trying to get into one place. In the end we had to split into 6-7 groups and managed to wander our way into Walkabout. Some drinks and cheesy music as well as some power ballads later we tried again to find a pub that would take us in... alas none were receptive! SOOO as a last resort *rolleyes* we RELUCTANYLY went to the strip bar. I have been to a ones in London before and I wasn't very impressed. But this time it was really good. The girls are much more friendly and more like real people. And to be honest they were mostly better looking too! My younger cousins of 18-20 loved it and I bought them a dance each. I shouldn't go into too much detail as the bride might end up reading this so I will just say that the stag was very well behaved and did not get into trouble or anything bad!

In a way my week has been pretty good and lots of positives to take, but I have knack of adding a pinch of negativity into things. It's not that I don't want to be happy, but I just know the happier I get the sadder I feel when things eventually don't end the way I wanted it to. I remain reserved in my judgement until things are 100%... which, at this rate, I really can't imagine when that will be!

BUT I do have some good news for next week as I will be attending my graduation ceremony for my MBA. This time last year I was stressing over coursework whilst trying to prepare for exams and feeling rather depressed in seeing my cousins buying their own place with their partners whereas I was lonely and single and stressed and tired. It was not a good patch last year.... but 12 months on I have 2 properties, got my MBA, in a decent job and getting popular with the girls (or so I think anyway!).

I wonder where I will be in another 12 months time?

Written and deleted...

I just deleted a long blog I wrote... I feel better to have written it down, but I am afraid to share it with the world. It's about two people.

So much to say, so little words...

I tend to write a lot in my blogs... but what am I trying to say?

This week I have applied a mental block and applied myself to many things to take my mind off my emotions and feelings. The physical pain of kick boxing and conditioning work has made my abs ache for 2 days and has helped reduce my emotional stress (plus rock hard abs are cool!).

Last night I spent 10 hours out in London celebrating two friend's birthday one after another and I really had a laugh and also bumped into some old friends. But then I was a bit shocked to find a message on one of my 'network' websites. I was quite taken aback but was happy too. It was a short and sweet message... thank you.

Some things are difficult to put to words and this is one of those things...

Mixed emotions...

Recently I have been having bouts of depression. It's not been good as I have been pushing people I love and care about away. I get easily agitated and find myself more of a recluse. It's like a knee-jerk reaction with me. The moment things seem to head south I start to push people away... especially the people I don't want to push away. I am such a weirdo sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me!

The other week I was pretty much over the moon with my 'date' and was generally feeling quite elated. We are still talking on a daily basis but events in between have caused me to doubt and question. On one hand I think she is great, but on another I fear I am being played. Hey, it wouldn't be the first time so it's no big deal, plus it's not like we have taken it any further. But having been alone for nearly 3 years and getting to an age where marriage is constantly on the tip of my relatives tongue it is difficult not to seek out someone for a serious relationship.

Is it really that hard to find someone to share my life with? Honestly speaking... No. I may come across arrogant and big headed but I think I am a decent guy with decent qualities. And really I'm not short on offers if I just pressed a little further with some of the girls... who knows? I may not be the best looking guy in the world, but I am honest and caring. I may not be mega rich, but I am financially secure for the rest of my life. I may not be as spontaneous as others, but I am thoughtful and romantic. So why am I single....

But, in my opinion, why pursue something that is not my ideal? It wouldn't be fair on me and it definitely wouldn't be fair on the girl. I would much rather stay single and not mess with people's emotion than to end up in a relationship I regret. I have met quite a few nice girls recently and they all possess certain qualities I really find attractive. Is that enough though? Am I just being too picky and trying too hard?

This has been dragged up due to falling for someone. But which one?! It has been so long since I have had these feelings that I am slightly confused as to what I am truly feeling. Girls are very confusing creatures!

I feel as though I want to leave this place and get some time alone in a foreign country and just absorbing the sights and sound that nature offers. To have some inner peace to clarify how I feel and determine which girl I truly want to pursue and make something of. Maybe it's not a girl I have met yet... maybe it is. I don't know.

The easiest thing to do is to walk away and not have to face the issues I am encountering. I know is seems cowardly, but I really hate playing games when it comes to relationships. Open and honesty are the main qualities I look for. Everything else I can learn to love or accept when I have found the 'one'.

Why must my happiness always be followed by moments of sadness? Hopefully, one day I will not have to express such mixed emotions....

Camaraderie

Just a word, but this work brings back memories. Some very good memories. It takes me back to a time when I was playing rugby with my friends at college. Friends I had known since I was 11 and friends that grew up together as a unit. For 7 years a group of us played rugby together, year in year out.

It is times like those that I really miss sometimes. But today I relived for a short moment that same feeling I once had. Today I was in London playing in a football tournament near Liverpool St. It was organised by some Thai organisation for oriental teams. My friend called me and asked if I would play and I said yes.

Our team, Boston Manor Concrete FC, was one of 16 teams in the competition. Why the name? Well, our team organiser trains there with his regular team. I actually only knew 2 of the guys who we in our team and met the other 5 players when I arrived. The other guys had never played together before either so we were very much a mismatched team with no idea of what to expect or how well each of us could play.

Anyway, the competition started and we were one of the first teams on. We were losing 2-0 by half time before I came on as a rolling sub, but we still ended up losing 3-0. It was a real shock and disappointment, but we got a feel of how to play for our remaining two matches which we had to win to progress to the quarter finals.

The second game I sat out as I was actually injured from kick boxing on Thursday night. A pulled calf muscle meant running wasn’t easy! The team did really well and we played our tactic of having one upfront at all times pulled off and we won 3-1. We had a glimmer of hope and suddenly a group of individuals who barely knew each other had developed a certain bond and self belief. It was that feeling that reminded me of my rugby days, especially when we used to play in Sevens tournaments which lasted a who day with a similar format.

In out last group match a few of the guys were quite worn out and I played in the final match. My role for the team was back up keeper or else I was in defence as the sweeper. I’m not exactly a small guy and I don’t shy from challenges and I literally threw my body into tackles if necessary, although, on hindsight (and feeling the pain) I do regret it somewhat! We won the last group match 2-1 and we were through to the quarter finals! From having no expectations, we were looking to push ourselves to go further!

We looked around at the other teams playing to eye up the competition and there were some very impressive teams out there! When our quarter final match up, I was sat out for the first half. We lost some silly goals, but we were also getting outplayed, but I felt the score of 5-0 was a bit unfair on us. I came on in the second half and used my physical size to push the other team around. Grazed the whole of my left shin from sliding in for the ball, cuts on the right calf and knee from random contact and blocked a few shots with any part of my body I could get in the way! In the end we scored a couple of consolation goals, but we were knocked out 7-2.

Although we were disappointed, we had a great time as a team and there is very little that can compare to a good team spirit, trust and belief in each other. If we can apply the same team camaraderie in our working life or daily life we would be much more successful in everything that we do. Anyway, we were knocked out and we packed up our things and said our good byes to some of the teams and friends who were still in the competition. Our team went our separate ways, but we are looking forward to playing together again at some point in the future. Thanks guys for a great day! I was proud of what we accomplished and I’m sure we ca improve in future performances.

I know I will feel the aches and pains of my reckless playing style tomorrow, but I am quite competitive in physical sports, and though I will hurt people with my challenges, I do not wish them harm and I am always making sure the other player is ok. However, I won’t back off from a 50-50 ball. Honestly speaking I think I could be quite a good player if only I could improve my fitness level to something close to my prime. Time to hit the road and do some RUNNING!!

What do I do in my spare time?

A constant question I find difficult to answer off the top of my head. I am drawn to say I do kick boxing once a week and I go to the driving range and whack a few golf balls. But that takes up about 4 hours a week! What do I do in the time in between?

Work and sleep aside I have about 70 hours of time to do as I like. 40 hours during the week and 30 over the weekend. For the weekend I find I am constantly doing something due to someone inviting my out, a family gathering or just meeting up with friends. It is the 40 hours during the week that I find a real waste of time.

I actually spend a lot of time on the internet not acheiving much other than catching up on some of the TV shows I follow (Heroes and Prison Break). I talk to some friends on MSN some times. I check emails and I write my blog. So when people ask me what I do I really am stuck for an interesting hobby to discuss.

The reality is I like thinking. I love to think and wonder. Sometimes it is to reflect on my past. Sometimes its about someone. Sometimes its about my future. Regardless of the topic in mind, I really like to think. I have also developed a liking to write things in my blog. I don't often write daily because I like to ponder my thoughts before writing them down which is why my previous blog was all over the place!

I also like to look out into the sky at night. The benefit of living in an isolated village is the uninterrupted light from the stars and the moon. Sometimes I open my window and gaze into the sky, feeling a light breeze against my face. It is very relaxing and inspiring to me.

Another thing I really enjoy is my drive to work and back home every day to and from work. Every day I drive through nature and I see so many wonderful sights of horses, sheep, cows all grazing in vast open fields, sometimes right up against the fence only a few metres away from the road.

Are these normal for a 29 year old to enjoy? What is normal anyway? So I don't like to club and I don't drink or smoke. I sometimes wonder what kind of life I actaully lead! Everything is so settled and theres nothing to bring me away from this monotony.

So if you want to know what I do... I like to think and write, but I also like to exercise! I think I NEED to exercise... it keeps me sane!

Time

Time... what is it? What does each second, each minute, each hour, each day, week, month, year mean?

I have found time to be both a great asset and also the cause of much pain. Time is but a series of events that can be related to our past. If we were to sit in an enclosed space time would have no meaning other than how long our patience can take it. I guess those with a pure mind and without love or hatred, without greed or jealousy, without anger or fear would be able to remain there forever. But the point is that this person will still age and die.

For my short lifetime I have experienced a lot of time passing me by. Lots of events which leave deep scars in my mind. Sometimes a second can last a year, but a day can pass in the blink of an eye.

Looking back at some of my memories I can clearly remember one of my first days at a new school. I was not a small boy at the age of 7 and whilst messing around in the playground I fell over and cut my knee. I burst into tears. Then another boy comes up to me and asks me why I am crying? I showed him my cut and he said that it was nothing and he didn't cry when he cut his knee. This boy was so much smaller than me! I looked at him and instantly stopped crying. From that day forward I have learnt to accept any pain and take it like a man. It is one of the most significant moments in my life.

Later on in my teenage years I had a crush on a girl I saw on holiday with my parents. Note I said 'saw' because I didn't even have the guts to talk to her! I just stayed back in the background. When I was back in the UK and the photos of the hoidays were developed I scanned them for a photo of that girl... There was nothing I could do now. It was my first feeling of heartache.

Time has provided me with much more pain and sorrow than happiness that I can remember. But then we are oblivious to the times that we are truely happy because we do not appreciate it when it is there in front of us. So maybe I have had some great times, but I have not treasured them...

One period in my life when time felt like it was standing still was the time I had an operation on my knee. Looking back I don't know how I coped, but it also seemed so quick too. I spent a solid 7 days hospitalised. The operation on my knee, as some people know, was to repair a cruciate ligament where a bit of tendon had to be cut from the top of my knee and grafted on as a replacement ligament.

Immediately after the operation I lost a lot of blood and there was a 6 inch cut at the front of my knee. But as part of the operation I had to mobilse my knee as soon as possible to aid the healing process. My leg was strapped to a machine which straightened and bent my knee a little at a time. This was strapped on for 7 days, 24 hours per day. I slept with it on... it was so uncomfortable. Time passed slowly....

Why am I looking at time in such a way? Well, the few days that has passed since my 'date' I feel a little down. the moment lasted but a few seconds, but to me it was a moment frozen in time. For those few seconds my thoughts were running wild and I didn't know what to think.

Time is such a strange thing that we are constantly measuring ourselves against, but why? It is the moments that really matter that we neglect. It is the times we should be appreciating that we take for granted. But during times of sorrow we hold on to these feelings for a long time.

I cannot control time or my perception of time, but maybe I can take control of what I want to experience in my short life. I just need to get up and fight for it... I know what to do. But will I do it?

You know what... I'm not totally sure about what I have written because I am in a 'funny' mood. I don't know if anyone will make sense of anything I say... I wish I had a greater grasp of words. Something I am sure I will learn in TIME....

Day off...

Yesterday I had a day off. It was planned and I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks now and it seems strange that it arrived so soon! The simple fact is that I was meeting a girl. I have been talking to her for a while now and we get on pretty well if a little sparodic.

Anyway... I think I made myself quite clear how I felt about her. I had only met her a couple of times before although we have been talking for over 2 months now. And to be honest the first time I saw her she didn't blow me away with her looks... but its amazing how a personality can change that and she now looks like the most beautiful girl in the world!

It was our first 'date' if you will and I made some effort! Well, I think so! I knew I was in trouble when I was spending hours deciding what to wear the night before and ended up with only 4 hours sleep! I only got 4 hours sleep because I had to get up early and make her a hot lemon and honey drink which I carried to her in a thermos to keep hot. I also had to go out to buy some flowers and fill up with petrol.

The drive to her house was scenic and quite pleasant with the sun beaming down. It was an 85 mile drive which seemed to be over pretty quickly on hindsight. Once I picked her up I gave her the flowers and the lemon and honey drink as well as a couple of hand warmers for her to take to work and back...

Obviously thats just the beginning... We then went to Bluewater where I had paid for a "Soothing body massage for women" which was an hour long. She was shocked but 'reluctantly' enjoyed it! And whilst she was getting her massage I went to the Bear Factory and made her a teddy bear. I hid it in the car so it was a little surprise for her later! ;)

We then had lunch and just spent some time talking and getting to know each other. We didn't actually do much shopping at all! But time passed pretty quickly, I guess it always does when you are having fun. We had a coffee and talked about nearly everything. We shared moments of laughter as well as some time talking about more 'grown up' issues.

Before we knew it it was getting late and dinner was beckoning. I took the liberty of choosing where to eat as my 'date' was quite undecided! I was originally going for something quite sophisticated and romantic, but I thought it would be a bit too much for a first 'date' so I choose a cosy little British restaurant with a more lively and cosy feel. It was a nice dinner, nothing too fancy and nothing to OTT.

The end of the evening was drawing near and it was time to take my 'date' home. I was quite sad knowing the night was going to end... I drove quite slowly, stretching the last hour or so, knowing that the next time we meet might be quite a while due to some circumstances out of our control... Inevitably her home loomed up large and before I knew it we were outside her door. It was raining so, being the gentleman I am, I walked her to the front door with my umbrella. We hugged and I left.

The drive home was not so pleasant. It was raining hard and it was windly. Passing lorries was a challenge with water spraying heavily, obscuring my vision. It was quite respresentative of how I felt. It was dreary and depressing with no end in sight. It was a far cry from just a couple of ours earlier where even 30mph felt like I was driving too fast and getting to her front door too quickly!

So now what. I got home, I called to tell her I was safe and sound. What do I do now? What should I do now? It has been so long since I have felt this way...

That was my day off. It has possibly been the happiest I have felt in many years. Thank you for spending the day with me (even though you may never read this!).

Long lost friends and acquaintances...

This week has seen a few changes made at work. Firstly I signed my permanent contract and I am now a full time member of staff! So at least I am in a stable state of employment now! Along with this came a change in my job role... where I was previously looking after lapsed accounts I have now been given accounts of my own to manage and co-ordinate. Just trying to settle into the new role and introduce myself to the partners this week...

Anyway, back to the title of this entry. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it seems to be never ending! What am I talking about? Well, in the last few days I have discovered that some of the people I work with went to the same school as me. It all started with an introductory email company wide. And one of my colleagues realised I went to school with Johnny Wilkinson, which he also attended many years before us! And whilst we were discussing our stories over a boiling kettle a girl from marketing overhears and says her brother was at the same school! It was a guy from my brothers year and she knew my brother! It's a small world indeed.

But that wasn't the end of it... today I got up to wash and hoover my car. Something I haven't had the chance to do for ages and something I really enjoy! Well, as I was washing my car, my neighbour walks past and stops for a quick chat. Now I don't often bump into them as I am either at work or indoors. But he initiated the conversation and asked me in I knew someone... this person who he works with was actually one of my close friends from the same school as I mentioned! It was rather bizarre to find my neighbour is a work colleague of my school friend!

As most people know, I haven't had much of a social life for nearly two years due to MBA commitments and a more focus approach to work. And due to this there I have lost contact with many friends. But from out of the blue I was contacted on MSN by a couple of friends I hadn't spoken to in a while and then I was called by another couple of friends last night! There were motives behind their calls, but none the less I felt quite 'warm' inside to be someone that they turn to... and at the very least I have left behind a memory in their mind of me!

Going back to my limited social life. I say limited because I have been going out somewhat, but not frequently. And more often than not it has been due to invites from friends and family. I, myself, have not arranged anything social, other than the odd lunch/dinner with friends, since my birthday last year. In fact I hate to admit it but I seem to 'hang out' with my parents and their friends more and more these days!

I used to be very fidgety and always looking for something to do. But recently I am happy to sit at home and do nothing. If no one invites me to anything I won't exactly go out seeking things to do either. It just seems my life has gotten dull recently... if not in other peoples eyes, but in mine. yes I go kick boxing and to the driving range, but thats about it. This weekend, as with most weekends my time is being given to family and friends. Except for Monday which I made an effort to take a day off to go out with a friend.

Well, I guess the next time I will be arranging anything it will be for my 30th birthday a little under 5 months away. Time really flies when you get a into the late 20s! But what I have realised is that there are still people who I haven't seen of heard from in over 10 years that still remember me. Did I leave a lasting impression back then with more people? Will some of my friends of today still remember me in 10 years time if we were to never see or talk again? Does it really matter?

We cannot live forever, but our actions can be remembered for a long long time. Whether it is good or bad, it's up to you.