How are my readers?

It has been a long time since I have written about me and my life. And the reason for that is because I have been busy.

Again I am at a higher point in my life where I am not stressing too much nor am I worrying about being single. I have found a new focus in work and in the gym. The last month has been a lot of hard work with some tense moments as my team and I tried our best to achieve the target set at the beginning of the quarter. In the end the target was smashed and it was a great end for the company in its first full operating year.

As for going to the gym, I had set my mind on getting fit to play rugby in September for a local team. But also I just want to lose some fat and get fit and healthy after 5 months of quitting smoking. So far I have been going to the gym for about 5 weeks now. And at least 3 times a week. The effects are showing and I also feel a lot fitter too. Actually I am getting very much addicted to going to the gym nowadays. So much so that I prefer to be at the gym than to go out and see my friends!! :S

The rest of my life so far doesn’t really exist. If anyone is expecting some juicy gossip about a girl in my life, I am going to have to disappoint you! There is nothing to tell. I have pretty much left it down to fate rather than work myself up over nothing. I want something to happen… but I guess I have to be patient.

Work, health, love… what else do I need to cover?

I am really enjoying my life at the moment…. Maybe its because I have set myself a goal with going to the gym… Maybe I am just not allowing myself to stress because I have no time…

Would I say this is a positive entry as opposed to a negative one? Yes… I would definitely say I am far happier now than I have been in the last few months. I’ll keep it short and sweet. Happy people have little to write about because we are only ever good at complaining!

Choices

Today I made a very simple and logical decision. I laid in bed after work feeling quite dozy... I could have just closed my eyes and fallen asleep, but I made a choice. I chose to get up and drive to the gym.

I guess life is a bit like this. We all work hard and we have a choice to make. Do we go and work a little bit more? Or do we stay in and rest on our laurels? It would have been easy for me to stay in and rest one day. I mean I have been to the gym 4 days in a row already... is it so bad that I miss one day? Should I let my body rest?

There are many excuses we find for ourselves in choosing to do things that make our lives easy. But we struggle to find reasons for working harder. I know it is not a battle I always win with myself, but winning is a habit and that is what I am doing now. I am winning. Each time I go to the gym I am getting a little bit fitter. You may argue that my body needs rest, and I will be resting it tomorrow.

Once I can find the motivation to push myself that little bit further I will be able to carry that in other areas of my life. I haven't always been lazy and I haven't always been this unfit. There were times where I had drive and determination... now, later than it should be, I am rediscovering this drive and determination. I have a goal to acheive and I will achieve it.

Random thought: Are trees and plants 'carniverous' in the sense that they 'eat' themselves (fallen leaves and twigs that have decomposed)?

Blast from the past

Since the purchase of my new car I haven’t had a normal day or work. Basically I went from my cousins wedding to taking a week off to help my brother at his café. Managed to get to the gym a couple of times and the driving range too… but I spent far too much time driving with the roof down! Over the weekend I drove to London and spent about 2 hours in the car getting sunburnt. Yes… I can get sunburnt in the UK even after just a couple of hours.

Well the final outcome is that I fell ill. I got a cold, or as my colleagues at work prefer, I had ‘Man Flu’. The WORST flu of all and is touted as the reason dinosaurs became extinct. Luckily I am so fit and healthy I was only bed ridden for a couple of days! A lesser man would be out for WEEKS!

However, being ill meant a perfect opportunity to upload photos I had taken of the wedding and also gave me a chance to scan and upload some old photos I had. Many of these are pre-digital camera days… Hell some of these were taken before many of my friends were even born!

Anyway, I posted photos of the wedding and my new car along with my Hong Kong photos on my imagestation. But I also selected a bunch of photos which had my mug shot in and placed them on facebook too. Some of these photos were of the rugby teams I had played in and all my friends from college.

In the middle of putting these photos up I was added as a friend by a guy I used to live and work with 4 years ago! It was so totally random, but it was cool. And before I knew it I was being added by some old school and college friends! People who I haven’t heard from or seen in over 10 years were appearing suddenly. And a little digging around led me to find even more friends! I never thought I would get to talk let alone see any of these people again… but I guess that’s all changed!

What is quite amazing is that the last time I had seen or talked to these college friends the world was a totally different place. A place where mobile phones were still quick an expensive novelty, the computer was running Windows 3.11 and the internet was via dial up but only very very tech savvy families had it! Email didn’t even exist as far as we knew! Most of us could drive but had no car. Facial hair was still waiting to appear. Relationships meant a snog. This was when I was 17-18 years old in 1995. Those days were about DiscMan and Doc Martins. Those days were about having fun and not caring about the world. Those days we had no fear… we were MEN.

The funny thing is that most of these people still look the same albeit 12 years older. I just wonder what I look like in their eyes. This window of 12 years… what has happened in their lives? Some have married, some have moved abroad, some are still bumming around, some have even left us. Makes me think how people have drifted apart, yet the internet has managed to bring many of us back together again!

So, although I have been ill for a couple of days I have not felt this good in a LONG LONG time! My voice may almost be gone due to having a sore throat and having to talk to distributors at work, but I feel really good from the inside out. Now it’s just a case of finding a time to get together and meet up with some ‘old friends’….

THE LAST 10 DAYS

I have been quiet for 10 days now. It seems like I am finding things difficult to put down to words or is it just from the lack of time and determination? Nonetheless, I am back and I will try to fill you in on what I have been doing and how I have been feeling in the last 10 days.


Buying a car

Some people will already know I was in the process of buying a car to replace my ageing Civic. The Civic has been a really good car to me and it was honestly my first dream car in my late teens and early 20s. It had the performance I craved for, it was reasonably cheap to run and maintain and it was practical to the point I had moved to 3 different homes in it. The best car I have had and probably the best I will ever have in terms of all round capabilities along with running costs. My baby has endured 5 hard years and 102,000 miles with me and I am definitely sad to see it go. Sometimes I still feel as though I am on an extended test drive in my new car and any day now I will get back into my Civic….

But no… my new car is also a Honda, but this time it is the S2000. It’s never been a car that I have taken much noticed off as I was always after something practical, which almost inevitably meant a hatchback. However, times have changed and with my parents buying an additional car, the burden for me to own something practical lessened. Coupled with the fact the Civic had done over 102,000 miles in 5 years, I felt that the Civic was nearing a major ‘surgery’ which is why I felt I had to let it go.

The S2000 is different in every way other than the badge that sits on the bonnet and boot lid. The car seats two people only, has a small boot and it is a convertible. It has a somewhat subtle but noticeable appeal to it being a convertible. But it is not as loud or as brash as the Civic even though it is much more a sports car with its front engine rear wheel drive set up. The performance is fractionally better, but fuel consumption is poorer.

There’s a lot of good things to say about the S2000 but even more for the Civic, but they are different cars with different purposes and appeals to different demographics. A car like the S2000 that I would not have considered a few months back is now the only means of transport I have. But I am very happy with it.

However, I did not buy the car from new, I bought it 2nd hand from a respectable dealer. But I made simple rookie mistakes in missing certain check points and I got a rough deal. Not that I blame the dealer, because they sold me a very good car, but I blame myself for not making them provide me with the best service before committing my money. I am still very pleased with the car I have bought, but I do have to spend a little more money just to make it ‘perfect’ in my eyes. Nothing major, but just a minor gripe. It is a small price to pay for a car that I will own for at least 3 years.


Joined the gym

In amongst the decision of buying the S2000, I had a thorough look at myself and I realised that physically I needed to get healthier. Although I have quit smoking for 5 months now, I am not ‘reclaiming’ my health as I should be. I’m not overly fat, but I could do with losing some inches around the waist!

Joining the gym had crossed my mind earlier on in the year, but I was doing kick boxing at the time. It was good to do something physical but I did not see why I was doing kick boxing after a while. The fitness only reached a certain level and I was only going once a week. Whilst I was there, all I was doing was trying to ‘score’ points off my opponent but striking and kicking them. Violence as a sport without the pain seems a bit pointless to me and I have decided to train to prepare my body for a season of playing rugby…

That may not happen, but I have thought out the options and the best thing to do is to join the gym and build up some strength and fitness. Regardless of what I do at the end, at least I will have a healthier and fitter body.

Another reason for joining the gym now is to make use of my NUS card which expires in September (the MBA course was just over one calendar year, therefore I was registered as a student for 2 years). This meant I ended up paying £26 per month as opposed to £40 per month and I have the same benefits! BONUS! J


Considering shaving my head

Alongside the decision to buy the S2000, I also toyed with the idea of shaving my head. Being in a convertible I have seen some scary hair as a by product and maybe having no hair is the way to go! I have shaved my head before and I’m not afraid to do it again, but I decided to let the fate of my hair be decided online through my friends. They can choose to have my hair off or kept on by joining one or the other. The side group with the most members decides what I do with my hair.

And as a prelim I had a strip of hair waxed off my calf. One to see how bald skin looks like and two, to prove how little it hurts and that girls shouldn’t whinge at the pain! :P Mind you it was a bit ‘red’ the next day, but there was no pain that I experienced that warrants sharing with anyone. It was just like taking a plaster off.

You may be wondering WHY I would wax a strip of hair off my leg in the first place and where I got the wax strip from? Well, my cousin was getting married and the night before the wedding she was getting ready with her sister and bridesmaids. I popped over to check on the final arrangements where I saw they had some wax strips. Being curious and inquisitive I took the plunge and tried the wax for myself. Now I know how it feels, I may consider getting all my hair off for charity? What do you think?? How much would YOU pay to see me hairless?! And I mean EVERYWHERE!!! :O


Cousins Wedding

Yesterday was my cousin’s wedding, the first of the family on my mum’s side. It has been talked and talked about and all the efforts by everyone finally came together and the day was brilliant if a little overcast by the pouring rain.

The venue was a school with a wonder view. The building was a stately home type building and everything inside was very ornate and pretty. There were many tears shed by everyone including my grandfather who was very negative about the wedding until it happened.

I was asked to drive the bride to the venue and I had already done one dry run the day before to find the route. I arrived 15mins early to pick up my cousin, the bride, but was left waiting 30mins whilst she was getting ready and crying tears of happiness. But eventually we got in the car and made our way. The dry run I did proved most useful until I passed the final turning which meant I went 5 miles in the wrong direction! After much panic and sweating we managed to find the turning and arrived 20mins later than expected which was great as it meant the groom worked up a little sweat himself!

It was very touching at times and although it was very much a standard affair, it seems a little more significant when it is someone so close in the family. For me, it was my younger cousin who I have seen grow up from a tiny little baby to someone’s wife. It may be because she is my cousin, or it may be because of my age, but I felt real happiness for the couple. The groom is a great guy who I get along very well with and we, as a family, already accepted him before they were talking of marriage.

Though there were aspects which could have been improved upon, such as the food and the weather and maybe with the people invited, but all in all it was a great day with lots of laughter and lots of fun.

DANCING was something which really made the evening great. A wedding is one place where children and adults are all dancing together and to see my little cousins dance was a wonderful and funny sight. But then they saw me dancing the night away too which was probably more embarrassing! LOL Especially when I started to lose my clothes as the night wore on and I worked up more of a sweat! Luckily the night didn’t go on for too long!


Mid life crisis

Now for the truth behind everything I have done. I fear I am having a midlife crisis! Look at the evidence… I have bought a sports car, I have joined a gym, I am looking to change my appearance by shaving my head, I feel a little jealous (but definitely happier) seeing my cousin getting married whilst I am still single.

I really do not like the fact I am getting older and I am not settling down with my own life and to have a family of my own. Am I trying to justify everything I am doing? Or does everything actual make sense and it’s not really a crisis at all?

All I know is that I have been unhappy lately. I have made some decisions which makes me happier that are also logical choices, in my mind, such as changing my car and joining the gym. A thing like shaving my head is basically me looking back on my youth. I have shaved my head in the past and it’s just something I would like to do again to capture on camera so at least I have some record of it happening which I neglected the first time round.

The truth is, I will be 30 in 2 months time. It will spring up on me before I even know it! What will I do to celebrate? Who do I want to be there? Last year was a combination of my birthday and also to mark the end of my MBA. This year marks the end of my 20s and the beginning of my 30s. Many people tell me how young I am, but I know I should have achieved more than what I have now. It bugs me to live in fear of failure when I could have made something for myself.

I have set in my mind a 3 year plan. It is a selfish plan which doesn’t include anyone at the moment. But even if someone was to become part of my life, I need to focus and make sure I follow through with my plan. Success or failure is not of any great importance now. The important thing to me is that I follow through on what I have set out to do and that I do not get put off by negative people around me. I need to show more resilience and strength to ignore words of failure and just go for it…

In some respects I am very unhappy, but in others I feel much rejuvenated. It’s such a contradictory feeling, but that is how I feel.

There has been a lot of sighing lately which I hope to turn into laughter and joy….

Giving

Having spent a lot of time talking about myself and my woes... I am turning my attention to something else. I am giving blood again. It has been a while since I have given blood and I do feel guilty for not doing so more regularly.

There isn't much I can give to the world at this moment in time as I struggle to support myself, but what I can do, along with pretty much anyone else, is give blood. I know there are those who are scared of needles or afraid to see blood, but the fact is that blood saves lives. A small sacrifice that you and I can definitely afford.

And why stop there? I have registered myself as a bone marrow donor and also a tissue donor too. I am also looking to become a platelet donor. If the little I do can help save a life then I would at least feel as though my life has not been wasted. I know I can do a lot more, and I will in the future.

I don't expect everyone to suddenly become donors, but have a think and maybe you can see the benefits you offer to the people who needs your help. You will feel great even if you only ever give blood once in your life.

The truth

The turth is something we all seek, but sometimes it's not what we always want to hear or know. On Monday night I felt the truth kick in and I woke up to reality.

Up until that point I had been harbouring thoughts and beliefs that there might be a spark waiting to ignite a big bright fire. But what I saw was more akin to a match trying to light a wet piece of paper. It was never going to work.

It's much easier to hide behind a web of lies I had spun for myself and pretend that things were progressing smoothing when all that has happened is that I chose to ignore the signs. It was apparent from the beginning, but when you want something that bad you often try to lie to yourself to make a lie seem like the truth.

Right now I am not the happiest of people and I have been experiencing moods swings more frequently than before. Every time I experience this type of pain I am driven to do things to kill time and try to put the pain behind me. This time is no different. I am looking to changing my car, I have joined the gym and I am looking to play rugby again. It's such a predictable occurrence that I don't even believe I will do any of these things any more.

One day I woke up full of positivity and the next I am waking up and finding nothing good in my life. I guess I shouldn't be so blind!

Whilst I am in a reflective mood, I just want to say sorry to my mum and brother for losing my temper the other night... I can't blame the fact I am feeling depressed, as I am old enough and wise enough to know better. I'm sorry.

Feeling antisocial

Prior to going to HK I had a packed schedule with something to do, someone to see or somewhere to go nearly every day of the week. But since my return from HK I am feeling somewhat antisocial and lacking motivation to go and see people, do things or go places.

I have many things on my mind of late. Time spent with parents and grandparents have had a profound effect on me. It has made me think of my future more and more. What am I doing with my life? Where do I want to be this time next year? Setting myself up for the future is figuring highly on my agenda. But how? I spent time in HK with my parents and their friends and they talk of making tens of thousands in a blink of an eye. They can afford to eat at the most expensive restaurants in HK. HOW DO I GET TO THEIR POSITION?!

Granted that they are close to 30 years my senior, but given my education and English language skills, surely I can accomplish just as much, if not more? I feel a bit useless at times. It is in these moments of depression that I feel as though no one around me knows how I feel... basically my peers. Who do I talk to?

I just feel that my generation of young men and women are not as driven as people of my parents generation. But then how can we be when our parents provide for us as best they can thus making our lives as easy as possible? As 30 years of age looms ever closer I have decided to make a 3 pronged effort to make a mark of my own.

I have 3 business ideas to work on which I hope to complete one by the end of the year whilst working in a full time job. I really enjoy what I do at the moment and I feel as though I have a lot to offer the company and I feel reluctant to leave until I am sure of how to start up my second business which will hopefully fund my third and final business venture which will be of no surprise to people when I say it will be in property.

So for all my friends who have tried to tempt me out of hibernation... my apologies. I will definitely show my face once I can get past my negativity. I have promised many people many times that I will come out... and I will. I just need some time to myself to clear my head and to find comfort in my situation, which is actually pretty good... but coming from a family of high acheivers I feel like a major underacheiver!

Hope people don't miss me too much. I will document my life as best I can here... so keep coming back! :)

***17/Nov/2012***

Seriously? I had THREE business ideas to work on? 5 years down the line and I've not gone ahead with ONE... actually I don't even REMEMBER what these ideas were! Word of warning to anyone reading this.... WRITE THINGS DOWN!

Have you missed me?

I have been absent from my blog for a long time now and the reason for that is because I have been in HK for the last week. There was no stable internet connection and I didn’t have the time to update anyway. So here is what I have been up to…

Expressing Myself

Before I left to go to HK I did something I wanted to do for a while now. I told a girl how I felt about her. How did I do it? I wrote her a letter. I bought her a couple of small gifts and I sent it all in the post knowing that I will not be in the country when she receives it. Am I being old fashioned? I don’t really know, but I know I couldn’t think about what I was doing otherwise I would just get embarrassed and not be able to go through with it. As it turns out she wants to talk to me in person now… I feel nervous. I’m not sure whether I will be rejected or accepted. Either way, I feel better having told her how I feel and I have nothing to hide now. I’d rather KNOW where I stand rather than hold out and wait for an unknown period of time. It’s not long till we meet so I will soon know…

Grandparents

My main purpose of going to HK was to see my grandmother. She has been alone since my grandfather passed away 2 years ago. It’s great that she is still in good health and showing no signs of ageing even though she’s nearing her 90s! I wish I could visit her more often but it’s just not possible. Although the time we spend together is mostly in silence, I feel a closeness and a calmness around her.

However, my other grandparents who are both alive and well are more comical. Grandmother is always overhearing things that make her think the worse of grandfather. Grandfather is always picking on grandmother for her naivety. They have been together for 60 years but they have not learnt to live with each other.

Death and Money

I don’t know if I am just getting old or I am just growing up. But I find that life revolves around these two. When people die others dive in to grab any money left behind. It seems so sad but that is the society we live in today. On one hand there are those who are always looking to take advantage, but I also heard a very sad and touching story about a man who had over £1million and about to retire.

He planned to buy a house for each of his 3 sons when he retires and with the money left over he was going to travel the world with his wife. Unfortunately his wife had to go through a minor operation and during the process she contracted a virus which she never recovered from. The family was devastated and took solace in Hong Kong. Only 3 months had passed since the death of his wife when his youngest son fell ill and the doctors discovered a tumour in his head. For 2 years the man spent his life savings on the best doctors and the best medicine to heal his son, but to no avail and he passed away after nearly spending his father’s entire savings. One mans life was turned upside down in 2 years.

Shopping for others…

My time in Hong Kong was an exercise as a shopping assistant for rich people! I trawled the streets of Kowloon for over 12hours over 2 days. I spent over £400 and most of it was for other people! I had to find, buy, carry and deliver back to various people in the UK. Not that I mind as I was buying for my little cousins and also for the girl I like. In fact I found that there is great contentment in finding things that people asked me to buy. It did take me 3 hours walking up and down Ladies Market, but finding the items brought me the biggest smile!

Me…

So much is going through my head recently. I have had so much time to think. For an entire week I have pretty much been hanging around people who are much older than me. My grandparents, my parents and their friends. I did see a few friends and spent time with them too. But I felt more of a connection with the ‘oldies’. Their words make more sense and are more important to me. Am I really THAT old now?!!?

There’s so much I want to do and achieve. Will I do it? I want to change my car. I want to start my own business. I want to afford the lifestyle my parents live for my future family. I wan to make a difference to those around me. I want to live a happy life…

Looking back over the week makes me tired. I have done so much over the week and weekend I feel as though my life is a blur... There has been no time for me to sit down and reflect on the things I have done, nor have I had time to do the things I truly want to do.

Maybe I have been using the fact I am busy as an excuse. Maybe what is stopping me from doing what I want to do is fear. Fear.... Fear is something that is different for different people. I fear but a few things and so far I am running away from one of the things I am afraid of.

This week I have done a mixture of things so that I would not have to face my fear. I defrosted my freezer at home on Wednesday night, kickboxing on Thursday night, met with old friends for dinner and drinks on Friday night, another friends birthday on Saturday night and dinner with another friend tonight, Sunday.

No matter how busy I have been I am constantly thinking of that which I fear most... rejection from someone I like.

But for a week I will put it all behind me and disappear to Hong Kong where I will see my grandmother and pay my respects to my grandfather. Maybe when I come back I will feel different. Maybe when I come back things will have changed. Maybe when I come back nothing will have changed and I feel no different? Who knows...

Dinner in London

On Monday night, after work, I drove in to London to meet a friend for dinner. She had cancelled on me a couple of weeks earlier due to being busy, but we managed to find an evening free for a meal.

The plan was to meet at South Kensington Station for 6.30pm and I was running about 5 minutes late so I called my friend to let her know. She said she would not be there on time either so we left it at that. I actually arrived on time and parked up on a single yellow line opposite the station. I expect my friend to be late so I sat there and waited patiently....

10 minutes passed and she still hadn't turned up. I thought nothing of it as it is quite a distance for my friend to walk although I did offer to pick her up from work, but she declined and said she wanted to enjoy the sun a bit. Anyway, another 10 minutes passed and I was beginning to get worried. But I resisted the temptation to call as I didn't want to come across too pushy!

I continued to wait... It was now 7pm and I started to think that she had changed her mind and decided to take a rain check without telling me. But again I held out and convinced myself that she was just taking her time. At 7.08pm I called... I had booked the table for 7.30pm and I needed the toilet! It turned out she had been waiting for 40minutes herself, but INSIDE the station rather than OUTSIDE! I thought she was going to call when she arrived, and she thought I would call when I arrived. We were literally less than 100m apart and both wondering when the other was going to arrive!

When we realised what had happened I drove round to where I thought she was waiting... but it turned out she was still waiting inside so I had to circle round again and called her to come out! What a start to th evening!

So... at 7.15pm we finally met up and I drove to Benihana in Chelsea where we were having dinner. Unfortunately I hadn't been there before and finding a parking place became a bit of an issue, although a bit of searching a little bit further than I preferred I found a place and we walked to the restaurant.

I had been to Benihana at Swiss Cottage before so I knew what to expect, but my friend was amazed and seemed to revel in the decor and the performances by the chefs cooking at the table. She didn't know what to choose so I made the decision for her and we both got the wagyu beef and lobster Hibachi set dinner and some sushi as a side order.

The whole atmosphere of the restaurant is very lively and although you have to sit with other guests at the table it was still very intimate at the same time. We talked, shared stories about family and friends. It was very good company and very good food. Couple that with an expert chef cooking the food in front of us it just made it a lovely evening meal and something I haven't enjoyed in such a long time. Even the bill coming in at £155.00 didn't put a dempner on things as I don't think you can put a price on good company and food.

Time passed very quickly and it seemed like the meal was over just as we got started. What made my evening was seeing the smile on my friends face which never went away. It was worth the money just to see that alone. :)

I drove her home and felt sad to say good bye as I don't know when I will see her next. But thats life... I have learnt to enjoy the moments I have and I will hold on to these memories for the future.

Thank you for having dinner with me... it was good to see you again. I hope we can meet up again soon....