THE LAST 10 DAYS

I have been quiet for 10 days now. It seems like I am finding things difficult to put down to words or is it just from the lack of time and determination? Nonetheless, I am back and I will try to fill you in on what I have been doing and how I have been feeling in the last 10 days.


Buying a car

Some people will already know I was in the process of buying a car to replace my ageing Civic. The Civic has been a really good car to me and it was honestly my first dream car in my late teens and early 20s. It had the performance I craved for, it was reasonably cheap to run and maintain and it was practical to the point I had moved to 3 different homes in it. The best car I have had and probably the best I will ever have in terms of all round capabilities along with running costs. My baby has endured 5 hard years and 102,000 miles with me and I am definitely sad to see it go. Sometimes I still feel as though I am on an extended test drive in my new car and any day now I will get back into my Civic….

But no… my new car is also a Honda, but this time it is the S2000. It’s never been a car that I have taken much noticed off as I was always after something practical, which almost inevitably meant a hatchback. However, times have changed and with my parents buying an additional car, the burden for me to own something practical lessened. Coupled with the fact the Civic had done over 102,000 miles in 5 years, I felt that the Civic was nearing a major ‘surgery’ which is why I felt I had to let it go.

The S2000 is different in every way other than the badge that sits on the bonnet and boot lid. The car seats two people only, has a small boot and it is a convertible. It has a somewhat subtle but noticeable appeal to it being a convertible. But it is not as loud or as brash as the Civic even though it is much more a sports car with its front engine rear wheel drive set up. The performance is fractionally better, but fuel consumption is poorer.

There’s a lot of good things to say about the S2000 but even more for the Civic, but they are different cars with different purposes and appeals to different demographics. A car like the S2000 that I would not have considered a few months back is now the only means of transport I have. But I am very happy with it.

However, I did not buy the car from new, I bought it 2nd hand from a respectable dealer. But I made simple rookie mistakes in missing certain check points and I got a rough deal. Not that I blame the dealer, because they sold me a very good car, but I blame myself for not making them provide me with the best service before committing my money. I am still very pleased with the car I have bought, but I do have to spend a little more money just to make it ‘perfect’ in my eyes. Nothing major, but just a minor gripe. It is a small price to pay for a car that I will own for at least 3 years.


Joined the gym

In amongst the decision of buying the S2000, I had a thorough look at myself and I realised that physically I needed to get healthier. Although I have quit smoking for 5 months now, I am not ‘reclaiming’ my health as I should be. I’m not overly fat, but I could do with losing some inches around the waist!

Joining the gym had crossed my mind earlier on in the year, but I was doing kick boxing at the time. It was good to do something physical but I did not see why I was doing kick boxing after a while. The fitness only reached a certain level and I was only going once a week. Whilst I was there, all I was doing was trying to ‘score’ points off my opponent but striking and kicking them. Violence as a sport without the pain seems a bit pointless to me and I have decided to train to prepare my body for a season of playing rugby…

That may not happen, but I have thought out the options and the best thing to do is to join the gym and build up some strength and fitness. Regardless of what I do at the end, at least I will have a healthier and fitter body.

Another reason for joining the gym now is to make use of my NUS card which expires in September (the MBA course was just over one calendar year, therefore I was registered as a student for 2 years). This meant I ended up paying £26 per month as opposed to £40 per month and I have the same benefits! BONUS! J


Considering shaving my head

Alongside the decision to buy the S2000, I also toyed with the idea of shaving my head. Being in a convertible I have seen some scary hair as a by product and maybe having no hair is the way to go! I have shaved my head before and I’m not afraid to do it again, but I decided to let the fate of my hair be decided online through my friends. They can choose to have my hair off or kept on by joining one or the other. The side group with the most members decides what I do with my hair.

And as a prelim I had a strip of hair waxed off my calf. One to see how bald skin looks like and two, to prove how little it hurts and that girls shouldn’t whinge at the pain! :P Mind you it was a bit ‘red’ the next day, but there was no pain that I experienced that warrants sharing with anyone. It was just like taking a plaster off.

You may be wondering WHY I would wax a strip of hair off my leg in the first place and where I got the wax strip from? Well, my cousin was getting married and the night before the wedding she was getting ready with her sister and bridesmaids. I popped over to check on the final arrangements where I saw they had some wax strips. Being curious and inquisitive I took the plunge and tried the wax for myself. Now I know how it feels, I may consider getting all my hair off for charity? What do you think?? How much would YOU pay to see me hairless?! And I mean EVERYWHERE!!! :O


Cousins Wedding

Yesterday was my cousin’s wedding, the first of the family on my mum’s side. It has been talked and talked about and all the efforts by everyone finally came together and the day was brilliant if a little overcast by the pouring rain.

The venue was a school with a wonder view. The building was a stately home type building and everything inside was very ornate and pretty. There were many tears shed by everyone including my grandfather who was very negative about the wedding until it happened.

I was asked to drive the bride to the venue and I had already done one dry run the day before to find the route. I arrived 15mins early to pick up my cousin, the bride, but was left waiting 30mins whilst she was getting ready and crying tears of happiness. But eventually we got in the car and made our way. The dry run I did proved most useful until I passed the final turning which meant I went 5 miles in the wrong direction! After much panic and sweating we managed to find the turning and arrived 20mins later than expected which was great as it meant the groom worked up a little sweat himself!

It was very touching at times and although it was very much a standard affair, it seems a little more significant when it is someone so close in the family. For me, it was my younger cousin who I have seen grow up from a tiny little baby to someone’s wife. It may be because she is my cousin, or it may be because of my age, but I felt real happiness for the couple. The groom is a great guy who I get along very well with and we, as a family, already accepted him before they were talking of marriage.

Though there were aspects which could have been improved upon, such as the food and the weather and maybe with the people invited, but all in all it was a great day with lots of laughter and lots of fun.

DANCING was something which really made the evening great. A wedding is one place where children and adults are all dancing together and to see my little cousins dance was a wonderful and funny sight. But then they saw me dancing the night away too which was probably more embarrassing! LOL Especially when I started to lose my clothes as the night wore on and I worked up more of a sweat! Luckily the night didn’t go on for too long!


Mid life crisis

Now for the truth behind everything I have done. I fear I am having a midlife crisis! Look at the evidence… I have bought a sports car, I have joined a gym, I am looking to change my appearance by shaving my head, I feel a little jealous (but definitely happier) seeing my cousin getting married whilst I am still single.

I really do not like the fact I am getting older and I am not settling down with my own life and to have a family of my own. Am I trying to justify everything I am doing? Or does everything actual make sense and it’s not really a crisis at all?

All I know is that I have been unhappy lately. I have made some decisions which makes me happier that are also logical choices, in my mind, such as changing my car and joining the gym. A thing like shaving my head is basically me looking back on my youth. I have shaved my head in the past and it’s just something I would like to do again to capture on camera so at least I have some record of it happening which I neglected the first time round.

The truth is, I will be 30 in 2 months time. It will spring up on me before I even know it! What will I do to celebrate? Who do I want to be there? Last year was a combination of my birthday and also to mark the end of my MBA. This year marks the end of my 20s and the beginning of my 30s. Many people tell me how young I am, but I know I should have achieved more than what I have now. It bugs me to live in fear of failure when I could have made something for myself.

I have set in my mind a 3 year plan. It is a selfish plan which doesn’t include anyone at the moment. But even if someone was to become part of my life, I need to focus and make sure I follow through with my plan. Success or failure is not of any great importance now. The important thing to me is that I follow through on what I have set out to do and that I do not get put off by negative people around me. I need to show more resilience and strength to ignore words of failure and just go for it…

In some respects I am very unhappy, but in others I feel much rejuvenated. It’s such a contradictory feeling, but that is how I feel.

There has been a lot of sighing lately which I hope to turn into laughter and joy….

Giving

Having spent a lot of time talking about myself and my woes... I am turning my attention to something else. I am giving blood again. It has been a while since I have given blood and I do feel guilty for not doing so more regularly.

There isn't much I can give to the world at this moment in time as I struggle to support myself, but what I can do, along with pretty much anyone else, is give blood. I know there are those who are scared of needles or afraid to see blood, but the fact is that blood saves lives. A small sacrifice that you and I can definitely afford.

And why stop there? I have registered myself as a bone marrow donor and also a tissue donor too. I am also looking to become a platelet donor. If the little I do can help save a life then I would at least feel as though my life has not been wasted. I know I can do a lot more, and I will in the future.

I don't expect everyone to suddenly become donors, but have a think and maybe you can see the benefits you offer to the people who needs your help. You will feel great even if you only ever give blood once in your life.

The truth

The turth is something we all seek, but sometimes it's not what we always want to hear or know. On Monday night I felt the truth kick in and I woke up to reality.

Up until that point I had been harbouring thoughts and beliefs that there might be a spark waiting to ignite a big bright fire. But what I saw was more akin to a match trying to light a wet piece of paper. It was never going to work.

It's much easier to hide behind a web of lies I had spun for myself and pretend that things were progressing smoothing when all that has happened is that I chose to ignore the signs. It was apparent from the beginning, but when you want something that bad you often try to lie to yourself to make a lie seem like the truth.

Right now I am not the happiest of people and I have been experiencing moods swings more frequently than before. Every time I experience this type of pain I am driven to do things to kill time and try to put the pain behind me. This time is no different. I am looking to changing my car, I have joined the gym and I am looking to play rugby again. It's such a predictable occurrence that I don't even believe I will do any of these things any more.

One day I woke up full of positivity and the next I am waking up and finding nothing good in my life. I guess I shouldn't be so blind!

Whilst I am in a reflective mood, I just want to say sorry to my mum and brother for losing my temper the other night... I can't blame the fact I am feeling depressed, as I am old enough and wise enough to know better. I'm sorry.

Feeling antisocial

Prior to going to HK I had a packed schedule with something to do, someone to see or somewhere to go nearly every day of the week. But since my return from HK I am feeling somewhat antisocial and lacking motivation to go and see people, do things or go places.

I have many things on my mind of late. Time spent with parents and grandparents have had a profound effect on me. It has made me think of my future more and more. What am I doing with my life? Where do I want to be this time next year? Setting myself up for the future is figuring highly on my agenda. But how? I spent time in HK with my parents and their friends and they talk of making tens of thousands in a blink of an eye. They can afford to eat at the most expensive restaurants in HK. HOW DO I GET TO THEIR POSITION?!

Granted that they are close to 30 years my senior, but given my education and English language skills, surely I can accomplish just as much, if not more? I feel a bit useless at times. It is in these moments of depression that I feel as though no one around me knows how I feel... basically my peers. Who do I talk to?

I just feel that my generation of young men and women are not as driven as people of my parents generation. But then how can we be when our parents provide for us as best they can thus making our lives as easy as possible? As 30 years of age looms ever closer I have decided to make a 3 pronged effort to make a mark of my own.

I have 3 business ideas to work on which I hope to complete one by the end of the year whilst working in a full time job. I really enjoy what I do at the moment and I feel as though I have a lot to offer the company and I feel reluctant to leave until I am sure of how to start up my second business which will hopefully fund my third and final business venture which will be of no surprise to people when I say it will be in property.

So for all my friends who have tried to tempt me out of hibernation... my apologies. I will definitely show my face once I can get past my negativity. I have promised many people many times that I will come out... and I will. I just need some time to myself to clear my head and to find comfort in my situation, which is actually pretty good... but coming from a family of high acheivers I feel like a major underacheiver!

Hope people don't miss me too much. I will document my life as best I can here... so keep coming back! :)

***17/Nov/2012***

Seriously? I had THREE business ideas to work on? 5 years down the line and I've not gone ahead with ONE... actually I don't even REMEMBER what these ideas were! Word of warning to anyone reading this.... WRITE THINGS DOWN!

Have you missed me?

I have been absent from my blog for a long time now and the reason for that is because I have been in HK for the last week. There was no stable internet connection and I didn’t have the time to update anyway. So here is what I have been up to…

Expressing Myself

Before I left to go to HK I did something I wanted to do for a while now. I told a girl how I felt about her. How did I do it? I wrote her a letter. I bought her a couple of small gifts and I sent it all in the post knowing that I will not be in the country when she receives it. Am I being old fashioned? I don’t really know, but I know I couldn’t think about what I was doing otherwise I would just get embarrassed and not be able to go through with it. As it turns out she wants to talk to me in person now… I feel nervous. I’m not sure whether I will be rejected or accepted. Either way, I feel better having told her how I feel and I have nothing to hide now. I’d rather KNOW where I stand rather than hold out and wait for an unknown period of time. It’s not long till we meet so I will soon know…

Grandparents

My main purpose of going to HK was to see my grandmother. She has been alone since my grandfather passed away 2 years ago. It’s great that she is still in good health and showing no signs of ageing even though she’s nearing her 90s! I wish I could visit her more often but it’s just not possible. Although the time we spend together is mostly in silence, I feel a closeness and a calmness around her.

However, my other grandparents who are both alive and well are more comical. Grandmother is always overhearing things that make her think the worse of grandfather. Grandfather is always picking on grandmother for her naivety. They have been together for 60 years but they have not learnt to live with each other.

Death and Money

I don’t know if I am just getting old or I am just growing up. But I find that life revolves around these two. When people die others dive in to grab any money left behind. It seems so sad but that is the society we live in today. On one hand there are those who are always looking to take advantage, but I also heard a very sad and touching story about a man who had over £1million and about to retire.

He planned to buy a house for each of his 3 sons when he retires and with the money left over he was going to travel the world with his wife. Unfortunately his wife had to go through a minor operation and during the process she contracted a virus which she never recovered from. The family was devastated and took solace in Hong Kong. Only 3 months had passed since the death of his wife when his youngest son fell ill and the doctors discovered a tumour in his head. For 2 years the man spent his life savings on the best doctors and the best medicine to heal his son, but to no avail and he passed away after nearly spending his father’s entire savings. One mans life was turned upside down in 2 years.

Shopping for others…

My time in Hong Kong was an exercise as a shopping assistant for rich people! I trawled the streets of Kowloon for over 12hours over 2 days. I spent over £400 and most of it was for other people! I had to find, buy, carry and deliver back to various people in the UK. Not that I mind as I was buying for my little cousins and also for the girl I like. In fact I found that there is great contentment in finding things that people asked me to buy. It did take me 3 hours walking up and down Ladies Market, but finding the items brought me the biggest smile!

Me…

So much is going through my head recently. I have had so much time to think. For an entire week I have pretty much been hanging around people who are much older than me. My grandparents, my parents and their friends. I did see a few friends and spent time with them too. But I felt more of a connection with the ‘oldies’. Their words make more sense and are more important to me. Am I really THAT old now?!!?

There’s so much I want to do and achieve. Will I do it? I want to change my car. I want to start my own business. I want to afford the lifestyle my parents live for my future family. I wan to make a difference to those around me. I want to live a happy life…

Looking back over the week makes me tired. I have done so much over the week and weekend I feel as though my life is a blur... There has been no time for me to sit down and reflect on the things I have done, nor have I had time to do the things I truly want to do.

Maybe I have been using the fact I am busy as an excuse. Maybe what is stopping me from doing what I want to do is fear. Fear.... Fear is something that is different for different people. I fear but a few things and so far I am running away from one of the things I am afraid of.

This week I have done a mixture of things so that I would not have to face my fear. I defrosted my freezer at home on Wednesday night, kickboxing on Thursday night, met with old friends for dinner and drinks on Friday night, another friends birthday on Saturday night and dinner with another friend tonight, Sunday.

No matter how busy I have been I am constantly thinking of that which I fear most... rejection from someone I like.

But for a week I will put it all behind me and disappear to Hong Kong where I will see my grandmother and pay my respects to my grandfather. Maybe when I come back I will feel different. Maybe when I come back things will have changed. Maybe when I come back nothing will have changed and I feel no different? Who knows...

Dinner in London

On Monday night, after work, I drove in to London to meet a friend for dinner. She had cancelled on me a couple of weeks earlier due to being busy, but we managed to find an evening free for a meal.

The plan was to meet at South Kensington Station for 6.30pm and I was running about 5 minutes late so I called my friend to let her know. She said she would not be there on time either so we left it at that. I actually arrived on time and parked up on a single yellow line opposite the station. I expect my friend to be late so I sat there and waited patiently....

10 minutes passed and she still hadn't turned up. I thought nothing of it as it is quite a distance for my friend to walk although I did offer to pick her up from work, but she declined and said she wanted to enjoy the sun a bit. Anyway, another 10 minutes passed and I was beginning to get worried. But I resisted the temptation to call as I didn't want to come across too pushy!

I continued to wait... It was now 7pm and I started to think that she had changed her mind and decided to take a rain check without telling me. But again I held out and convinced myself that she was just taking her time. At 7.08pm I called... I had booked the table for 7.30pm and I needed the toilet! It turned out she had been waiting for 40minutes herself, but INSIDE the station rather than OUTSIDE! I thought she was going to call when she arrived, and she thought I would call when I arrived. We were literally less than 100m apart and both wondering when the other was going to arrive!

When we realised what had happened I drove round to where I thought she was waiting... but it turned out she was still waiting inside so I had to circle round again and called her to come out! What a start to th evening!

So... at 7.15pm we finally met up and I drove to Benihana in Chelsea where we were having dinner. Unfortunately I hadn't been there before and finding a parking place became a bit of an issue, although a bit of searching a little bit further than I preferred I found a place and we walked to the restaurant.

I had been to Benihana at Swiss Cottage before so I knew what to expect, but my friend was amazed and seemed to revel in the decor and the performances by the chefs cooking at the table. She didn't know what to choose so I made the decision for her and we both got the wagyu beef and lobster Hibachi set dinner and some sushi as a side order.

The whole atmosphere of the restaurant is very lively and although you have to sit with other guests at the table it was still very intimate at the same time. We talked, shared stories about family and friends. It was very good company and very good food. Couple that with an expert chef cooking the food in front of us it just made it a lovely evening meal and something I haven't enjoyed in such a long time. Even the bill coming in at £155.00 didn't put a dempner on things as I don't think you can put a price on good company and food.

Time passed very quickly and it seemed like the meal was over just as we got started. What made my evening was seeing the smile on my friends face which never went away. It was worth the money just to see that alone. :)

I drove her home and felt sad to say good bye as I don't know when I will see her next. But thats life... I have learnt to enjoy the moments I have and I will hold on to these memories for the future.

Thank you for having dinner with me... it was good to see you again. I hope we can meet up again soon....

Shattered...

As expected, after stuffing our face with BBQ food my cousins and a few friends gathered for a friendly kick about at the park. there was enough for 6-a-side which was a decent number really. Under the heat of the blazing sun we battled for over an hour. Kids as young as 9 mixing it up with the likes of me... 29!

It was brilliant fun but the we definitely felt the heat kick in when we finished! The bottles of water we had were downed in seconds and we all collapsed in a heap on the grass as we tried to cool down.

Once we had recovered a little, all the cousins got together for a group photo. It's a bit of a tradition, albeit a fairly new one, but we all tried to balance ourselves on a seesaw and posed for a photo. For some reason my end hit the ground and the other end was lofted into the air...

Life can be so simple and fun sometimes... if only my body was better conditioned I wouldn't feel so shattered! Time to hit the GYM!!

Photos can be found at my imagestation.

Long 4 day week

It might have been a 4 day week, but it has been really S L O W... The reason for this is due to many of the clients being away on holidays and also the management team at a conference in Lisbon. Leaving me and a few others behind to hold fort! Nothing to do and a girl who whinges a lot makes each day feel like a week!

Thank goodness for the weekend! By the time I get back to work on Monday everyone will be back and I won't be as bored... I hope!

Friday I decided to scoot off to London after work to meet a friend for a bite to eat and a catch up session. It was a bit of a mission though and I was quite low on petrol and reluctant to fill up. So I drove like a snail there and like a snail back. Just as I got home the petrol warning light came on! Talk about good timing!

When I got home I was quite tired, but ended up talking to my friends girlfriend for about an hour on MSN. Though we have only known each other a short time, I think we get on quite well with surprisingly similar interests! She wanted to know a bit more about her boyfriend (my friend) and I got some girly advice for my relationship issues... it was good to talk!

Today I woke up too early, 7am, so I forced myself back to sleep. Got up at 11am instead... MUCH better! And since the weather was very nice again, I washed my car and mowed the lawn. Hell, I was feeling generous I even washed my dad's car! When I had finished I felt a bit guilty for putting on weight so I had a work out session in the garden... the weather was so nice that I even got a book out to read in the sun! But rather than sitting in the sun, I walked around the garden.

Later on I will be going up to my aunt's in Essex for my cousins birthday BBQ tomorrow... should be fun! Will definitely catch some sun....

My Easter Break...

The Easter break is almost over... it's back to work tomorrow! And I can't wait! The break has been good, but it has been far to hectic and I have spent far too much money! But all good things must come to an end...

How did it all start?

It was an early Thursday finish for once and I met up with my uncle and cousins for a burger at the new Gourmet Burger Kitchen in town. It was pretty good, but at the end of the day it was just a burger. Not exactly fine dining to shout and sing about, but worth a visit again at a later date. The rest of the evening was pretty much dead and buried after a heavy burger feast and an early night beckoned...

Friday was a lovely day and I woke up to sun shining into my eyes... TOTALLY uncalled for! But I made the most of the nice weather and mowed the lawn whilst topping up on a little bit of a tan. Since the weather was going to stay nice for the rest of the weekend I decided to wash my car for the third time in 4 weeks! And yet again I managed to walk into our garden gate! Anyway... I cleaned my car and then focused on the alloy wheels individually, making sure that I scrubbed as much brake dust away as possible! The car looked amazingly new with clean wheels! That evening I went to my uncles with my cousins and we had a kick around for about 90minutes. It was a nice little calorie burn, but I probably piled it back on again with a heavy dinner!

Saturday was an early start! Well, 9am start... I had to drive to Woking to pick up my friend and make our way to Bath. Stopping en route at the services to meet the rest of the group from London. It was a lovely drive and a lovely day! Although we didn't get to see much of the city I really enjoyed the Roman Baths and learning a bit about it's history. It is quite amazing the 'technology' they had which even today's average Joe could not reproduce! The trip to Bath was cut short for me as I had to drive my friend back to London for a birthday... I then stopped by my other friends house to play a few rounds of mah jong... which subsequently finished around 4am! I went home, and managed 30mins nap before getting up to pick up my cousin and drop him off at Guildford train station for his school trip to France. I got home around 7am and slept till 1pm.

My short sleep was woken by text messages and 'nudges' on MSN asking me to go yum cha at Heathrow followed by bowling. I duly obliged and before I knew it 7pm hit and we were back at my friends house contemplating what to do for dinner. And with the flash of a light bulb the suggestion to have a BBQ was put forward! And within the hour we had defrosted some prawns, sausages, burgers, fishball, etc... set up the BBQ and we were cooking away by 8.30pm. The weather was perfect for a BBQ and we sat around the fire, cooking, eating, talking, laughing... it was very relaxing and enjoyable until I 'cooked' my finger on a red hot BBQ fork! But I took it like a man and sucked up the pain... By now it was near to 11pm and getting a bit chilly, so we packed up and retired indoors. After a short DVD on racing and cars we left to go home to sleep.

Monday... I was shattered, but again I was awoken by a text message. After much deliberation I decided to respond. It was a friend who had nothing to do all day so I said I would join her for lunch. After putting washing into the washing machine and cleaning up my room I set off to have a 'quick' pub lunch for 3 hours! It was packed at the pub and food took nearly 90minutes to get to us! And when it arrived, it wasn't even that good! Typical really! We still managed to find time for me to buy some light bulbs for my car and also my friend found a top too... so at least we achieved something! I went home around 6pm and was winding down the weekend rush. I had some food a but later and end up napping quite a bit! After I woke up I felt a bit dazed... I tried to wake up but I was too shattered and ended up going to sleep by 9.30pm. BUT I woke up again at 4.30am! SO I forced myself to sleep before waking up to go to work.

It was a slow day. But since it was the first day back and also a Tuesday it felt good to be almost halfway through the week already! Didn't have too much to do as most customers are on holiday and the majority of our management are away in Lisbon for a partners conference. I headed off home pretty much dead on 5.30pm as I had to meet my 'service' guy to do my car's 100k miles service. He picked it up at 6pm and I was left at the take away, helping until the car was returned at 10pm. £150 lighter in the pocket but my car felt really good and tight again! There are a few niggly bits, but nothing to be too concerned with.

Tomorrow night I am going karaoke with some friends in London. Thursday is kick boxing. Friday a friend has asked me to go clubbing. Saturday I have to pick up cousin on his return from France. Sunday is up in Essex for another cousins birthday. Monday I am having dinner with a friend....

I seem to be so busy!!! I can't wait for a quiet day in now....

Hope everyone had a good Easter break... I am loving the empty roads on the way in to work! :D