What's in this Tin?

Day 2

2010-11-03T09:17:00.002Z

It's the start of a new day... do I feel any better? Not sure. I don't feel any worse so that's a good start.

Thinking about things, maybe it's the hectic nature of the week I have had and will be having... I just feel like I need time away from everything. But let's not shy away from my responsibilities... and just get on with it.

Returning after almost 3 years away...

2010-11-02T13:00:00.003Z

So what brings me back here? I don't think it's any one thing, rather a number of things.

Since my trip to Everest Base Camp I have been back to the Himalayas again to the Annapurna Base Camp, reached the top of Mt Toubkal in the Atlas Mountains (Morocco), taken up dragon boat racing, spent 2 months working in Sydney, paddled 30km through the canals of Venice with my dragon boat team, cycled London to Brighton to raise funds for the British Heart Foundation, changed jobs, changed cars, played 5-a-side football... so many things!

I've also been in and out of relationships and currently in a confused place with one now.

But more recently I also discovered a tumour in my salivary glands. It is benign so there's no real concern at the moment. However, the human brain likes to play devils advocate and I find myself constantly in a negative frame of mind. I'm trying to not let it get to me, but it is. Everything is.

I get concerned about the chance it might turn aggressive, I worry about my mortality... I think about what I am leaving behind and to who...There's so much that my head hurts thinking about it.

This along with a relationship that feels nothing like a relationship... it just makes me want to be able to go "ctrl-a" followed by "delete".

A bit of a depressing re-birth to my blog, but having a place to vent is the only consolation for me... things will improve in the future. Hopefully!

One more week to go...

2008-02-15T00:12:00.001Z

Not long till I go to Everest now. Time has passed by so quickly and unexpectedly and in a weeks time I will be at the airport waiting for my flight to Bahrain before catching a connecting flight to Kathmandu.

I say that time has passed unexpectedly, but I have been increasing my cardio work out at the gym and I can honestly say that I am feeling the fittest I have felt in YEARS! I can row 7km in 30mins… I can step 6km in an hour on the Cross Trainer… I can climb 1000ft in 12 minutes on the VersaClimber… The only problem (well I feel it is) is my weight. I am now 17st (240lbs or 108kg), and that will be significant when I am on the trek. The plus side is that I am carrying a lot of muscle opposed to fat… although I am not as toned as I would like to be.

Anyway, fitness aside, I also feel pretty healthy and I am also pretty conscious in what I eat now. I haven’t even been ill for almost 8 months, the previous time was when I had my head shaved and I was basically acclimatising to a lack of insulation.

So, what am I expecting from this trip to Everest. Well, one thing I am looking forward to is the solitude and the isolation of being on a remote mountain where communication with the rest of the world is limited. For over 10 days I will be not contactable and will only have my fellow trekkers to talk to (ranging from 22 to over 60 years old).

The other things I am looking forward to are, being 5km close to the stars in the skies, the lack of light pollution corrupting the night view, passing clouds on my way up, the clear air, the challenge of the climb… There are so many things to look forward to I fear I am building up my expectations too highly.

It’s weird to think how much I moan about being single, yet the one holiday I have been on in years is one where I will be alone. Not in the sense that I won’t have people around me, but I will have no one close that I know with me.

Moving away from the trip I have also looked into doing a few courses. TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) is one, and the other is to train to become a fitness instructor… both something that will be of use to me in HK when I make the move at the end of the year. I am leaving my options open in terms of what I will do in HK. I have a lot of ideas and thought as to what I can do and I don’t want to limit myself.

There is still a lot of things for me to do in the UK before I can move, but basically I will not do anything till I get back from Everest.

I don’t know if I will be adding another entry to this blog before I leave… If not, then wish me luck and I’ll talk to you on my return.

Challenges

2008-02-06T00:33:00.000Z

Only me second entry of the year... but that's because it has been a very busy start to the year for me. There has been a lot of change in the month of January. Although the year is a month old, it feels as if no time has passed at all.

The anticipation of going to Everest is building slowly and gradually I am getting everything together in preparation. But in the meantime my workload has increased considerably which has distracted me from meeting friends and I have become more anti social. Nonetheless I have continued going to the gym and I am working harder than ever to get myself in the best shape possible for the trek.

Something that has been on my mind for a while is how I feel unchallenged at the moment. I feel as though I am alive just waiting for something to challenge me, but without a challenge until Everest I feel a bit lost.

There has been a lot on my mind lately but I find it had to express these thoughts into coherent sentences. Stress at home with demanding parents, mind kept busy with the thought of Hong Kong never far away, the prospects available to me when I move, the possibility of a 'promotion' of sorts at work, tenants moving out of my house, preparing equipment for Everest... the list goes on. But nothing is actually forcing me to challenge myself. It's just a case of thoughts and more thoughts.

With Lent starting tomorrow I decided to give up something for 40 days. Other than quitting smoking last year, I haven't undertaken anything like this ever. I haved decided to give up all forms of liquid other than water... no tea, coffee, fizzy drinks, juice, alcohol... JUST WATER for 40 days. In a way I think this will be even more challenging than giving up smoking!

In the past I have always written about things that annoy me, things that depress me... but lately there's nothing to complain about. And I guess thats why I haven't really updated my blog. It's always easier to complain than to give praise.

Moments of clarity are hard to come by these days... I live each day and fill each waking hour. Maybe when I have more time to solidify my thoughts I will put some more effort in my blog...

2007

2008-01-02T04:36:00.000Z

Last year was one of the best years of my life. It all started with me giving up smoking after about 10 years. On hindsight I don’t even know why I smoked in the first place! It has taken my entire life in my 20s! But now I am rid of it I feel so much better.

However, it was not all fine and dandy because my will power was severely tested in the second week of the year when I had an accident involving one of my uncles cars and another uncles garage… it would have been so easy for me to just say ‘sod it’ and start smoking again, but I didn’t. Although it was not an event to be proud of, I was surprised at my will power to stay off the smoking.

For the first few months of the year I was still kick boxing and going to the driving range regularly. It was my only means of physical activity and also a means of getting out of the house.

Work was going well and the company was taking shape in the form of a new manager and a set structure to work towards. In terms of work, 2007 was a very successful year for me. I enjoy what I do and I am growing with the company. All in all it’s been a positive step forward and indicates progression after my MBA.

Since stopping smoking I started to think more and more about my future and what I want to do… what I want in the future. I realise that time is not going to be on my side for long and I still feel as though I haven’t achieved much in life.

I took some time off work in April to go to Hong Kong and visit my grandmother. It seemed to me that the only holidays I have taken in the last 10 years has mainly been to Hong Kong. In terms of travelling I have been to various European cities, but the last real holiday I went on was to Salzburg with my girlfriend at the time about 5 years ago and the time before that was Las Vegas which was pretty much 10 years ago.

Many things were on my mind this year. My 30th birthday was coming up and I needed something to lift me. I felt I still had enough in the tank to pursue rugby as a sport again. I decided to join a gym and get fit. I joined in April and gave myself plenty of time to train and get fit for the start of the rugby season. I did get a chance at a college reunion Sevens Tournament where I injured my right knee and ankle. It pretty much sealed my fate as an EX-rugby player… But I continued with the gym.

It was a culmination of getting fit and also a permanent lookout for a decent holiday that I stumbled upon the idea of going to Mount Everest. I would like to have someone to go on holiday with, but being single its difficult… especially when all my friends are coupled up! So I booked a solo trip to Everest with total strangers. It is a challenge as much as a holiday. But the personal reward to have been to Everest and seen the sight with my own eyes is something I would not want to miss. Not long to go now… just over 7 weeks!

Personal life was a bit of a let down I suppose (only for the fact I have been single for another year!). However I did go and have a mid life crisis, as everyone calls it, by buying myself a new car which is a convertible. My car was 5 years old with over 102k miles from new. It was getting on a bit and it wouldn’t be long before I had to spend money on keeping it running. So I decided to trade it in and live ‘young’ for once (although it’s a more mature car than the old one).

Love life was not very exciting. I had a thing for a girl for the entire year… but nothing happened because she has a boyfriend and I just didn’t have a chance. I may be sounding bitter, but her relationship with her boyfriend doesn’t seem to be the best, but I wasn’t going to say anything. What will be… will be. I have no intention of interfering with someone’s relationship. Its up to them to work it out. I just feel sad I didn’t meet the girl in a different period in my life. I guess the same can be said of my ex really.

Speaking of relationships… I did meet up with girl I dated whilst studying my MBA. She was over from China for work and it was good to catch up. It was very different as we broke up over the stress of the workload. But in a different environment I was much more laid back and without the pressure she seemed less intense too!

I might as well continue on the relationship front, but this time its regarding my best friend and his relationship. He and his girlfriend has been together for around 7 years and to be honest they should be getting married, but he somehow ended up falling for another girl and things got complicated. I was dragged in and it got MESSY. Its not a great end to the year and it was something that could have been dealt with a lot better. I just hope it concludes well for all parties involved.

On a more positive note, I took another trip to Hong Kong at the end of November. I went alone and I had a great time. It was probably the most enjoyable week I spent in Hong Kong and I met up with some old friends as well as making some new ones. Lots of conversations took place and I suddenly felt like moving to Hong Kong on a permanent basis. It’s not 100% but it is 60/40 in favour of Hong Kong at the moment.

Oh… in amongst everything I shaved my head in June. It’s the second time I have done it and I have continued keeping it short now. I don’t think I will be growing my hair any more… it’s more comfortable and easy to manage! I even save on going to the barbers on a monthly basis!

I should also mention one of the best things to have happened in 2007, and that was when I bought myself a couple of hamsters. Though they were from the same litter, they ended up fighting and in separate cages. But they are both lovely and furry little balls of fun! Makes me smile every time I seem them.

I started 2007 as a non smoking 29 year old with a Civic Type R, single, employed and a little unfit. I ended the year as a 30 year old with a Honda S2000, single, still employed, much fitter than I have been in over 10 years and the owner of 2 hamsters Mini and Monster.My original 5 year plan had a spanner thrown in the works with my decision to move to Hong Kong… and now I have to plan my route to Hong Kong and what I will do there.

Ideally I would have liked to have met the girl of my dreams (maybe I have already?) and be looking forward to celebrating our first anniversary… but that never happened. Still there’s always 2008 to look forward to!

First things first for 2008, get back into the gym, prepare for Everest trip, sell one house, organise stag do for cousins wedding, turn 31 :( , apply for jobs in Hong Kong, cousin gets married and I fly off to start my new life in Hong Kong!

Let’s see what actually happens in 12months time….

Waiting for my flight to HK

2007-11-24T17:53:00.000Z

The day has arrived and I'm at the airport waiting for my flight to Hong Kong. I am quite lucky that I have somehow been upgraded to World Traveller Plus and given access to the BA lounge. It's all thanks to my friend who has been very kind to me and I will have to treat her to dinner or at least give her some flowers!

Anyway... many people have been asking whether I am excited that I am going to HK. And to be honest I'm not. I love the experience of being at the airport, but HK, as a destination, is not a great holiday place. I really like going back to see my grandmother, but other than that, there's not much to do.

In fact this time I am going back alone and there's not a single member of my family. I'm fending for myself! LOL

Actually another reason why I'm not as happy about going back to HK this time is the fact I am going to be with my friend and his recent ex. It's an awkward situation and I don't know how it will turn out. This could be a very LONG week or it could be very short... I'll just have to wait and see!

My 24 hour 'bug'

2007-11-13T23:12:00.000Z

Ok, I'm not actually ill with a bug in the normal sense, but something 'bugged' me for 24 hours.

I had lost my bluetooth headset. It's not a major issue as I find I am using it less and less these days. But the fact remains, I wanted to know where it was so that I COULD use it if I wished. I searched high and low and turned my room inside out, but I could not find it. I even looked in my car whilst just in shorts and T-shirt in the middle of the night, but to no avail...

For the next 24 hours I constantly thought about where I could havd left it and where I used it last. But I couldn't remember. I had to let it lie and all I could do was contemplate whether to buy a new one or wait till my upgrade is due so that I may get a free one. The normal wired headset could suffice for a couple of months... but it REALLY bugged me!

I am one of those people who are not happy until problems are resolved. I cannot just 'let it be'. It's something that has become apparent to my work colleagues who I am brutally honest, but ultimately professional, with them. If something is not right I will want it corrected, if I need something done, I expect it to be done.

Anyway, I am diverting. In the end I cleared my head whilst going to the gym and I knew full well the bluetooth headset had to be in my car. Where in my car, I did not know, but it was there. Considering it is only a 2 seater it cannot really go far. So after the gym I searched for it under the seats, and lo and behold... THERE it was! Under the passenger seat!

You cannot imagine the happiness I felt at that point. It was a sense of satisfaction, knowing I had solved a problem.

I guess a healthy body equals a healthy mind. Having been to the gym so frequently I am certain I am in the best shape since my teenage years. My heart is stronger; I am stronger both physically and mentally. And I need to be prepared for when I go to Everest in 3 months time.

So, my 24 hour 'bug' came and went... In the end I just needed to be patient and keep a clear mind...

Family, Tradition, Health and Mount Everest

2007-11-08T02:04:00.001Z

It’s been another long wait for a new blog. People with little complaints have little to say I suppose.

Last time I left feeling rather relaxed and chilled out. Other than dishing out my, limited, words of advice to a number of people I have been put under a bit of stress. Some my own doing and some from others close to me.

Firstly I want to talk about a conversation I had with my mum one night last week. It was quite intense and I really opened up and said exactly how I felt. The flow of the conversation stemmed from the desire of the younger generations (me and my cousins) to go out and do their own thing whilst the parents are very much against it. For example, taking part in amateur Thai Boxing fights which my 17 year old cousin is very interested in, and the fact my brother is looking to buy a second commercial property to open another coffee shop.

My parents and their peers are very protective of us, their children, and rightly so! But sometimes this is very suffocating a leaves us doubting our own abilities and the desire to better ourselves due to the ‘fear’ that they drive into our minds from their limited experience. I argue that they have built success upon calculated risks and with literally no capital and no education, whilst we have the backing, if necessary, and education to emulate and supersede their success really.

What it all boiled down to is the fact that our parents have provided us with such a platform from their hard work, they are reluctant to let us fall and fail. But I argue that it is in failure that we learn and succeed. This led to the argument of the children not respecting the parents and forgetting our ‘traditions’. The ‘tradition’ of please the parents in everything that we do and ensuring they do not have to ‘worry’ about us. Now this is where I opened up and told my mum exactly what I thought about her and her ‘worries’.

At no point do my cousins or I disrespect our parents and our elders. We are very much a close knit family and the only vice any of the family has is that a few of them smoke. No one takes drugs, no one is addicted to gambling, no one is linked to any ‘Chinese Organisations’ and we do relatively little to make our parents worry. But is that fair on us? In keeping our parents ‘sweet’ are we not compromising our integrity and own ambitions? My mum said there should be give from both parties, but the problem is that each individual places a different emphasis on what is most important.

To my cousin, Thai boxing maybe his top priority, but because he wants his parents not to worry he is not going to take part. However, for the parent, they may view drinking heavily as the most negative action which they want stopped whereas my cousin may think its nothing out of the ordinary. Each individual has a different perception to actions which may seem minor to one but major to another.

I stressed that no matter what we, as children, do, we cannot control our parents emotions and how they feel. Whilst we may think we are doing something that does not warrant our parents to worry, they may view it very differently.

This tradition of pleasing the parents is out of date then, I argued. My mum was not accepting this and said this is how it has been for generations in China. I said we are in UK and if these traditions exist, then we have no chance to excel because we will not be allowed to take risks. This did not go down well, but then I have always been strong minded. Although I did reassure my mum that whatever I did I always considered her and my fathers concern first.

All this happened in amidst 3 members of the family going into A&E and private clinic for various conditions and planned operations.

My 41 year old uncle and his dad, my grandfather both went into A&E due to stomach pains. My uncle had appendicitis and inflamed intestines and required immediate operation to remove the appendix and some of the large intestine. My grandfather has gall stones. He knew about them 5-6 years ago but chose to ignore them as they we too small to worry about at the time. Unfortunately he left it too late to get them removed as he developed an infection so he had to be on antibiotics and also be on a drip as he could not take any food due to the pain. Finally my dad went to have keyhole surgery on his left shoulder to remove excess bone which prevents full mobility in his arm.

All three are now out of the hospital and clinics, but my grandfather will not have the gall stones removed in December. My dad is recovering well, but is feeling tired due to being fatigued and jet lagged after returning from HK and also from being under general anaesthetic.

Our lives and our health is never questioned until something bad happens. I, on the other hand, have chosen to remain fit and healthy by eating right and exercising regularly. I know that healthier people than me have dropped down dead in an instance, but I can only do what I can, which coincides nicely with my now booked trip to Mount Everest Base Camp.

Tonight I got home from work and had dinner. I sat down half changed and ready to go to the gym, but I felt drowsy and heavy eyed. I almost fell asleep but forced myself to get in the car and drive. Once step at a time and once I hit the road, I knew I had won and I was going to have a good workout at the gym. My drive is now to get fit and ready to trek Everest for 8 hours a day, 11 days straight, culminating to reaching a height of 5500m on the highest mountain in the world. I can’t wait!

My next immediate diversion is a week off to Hong Kong to see my grandmother and to see some friends. Other than taking a week off in March to go to Hong Kong and another week off to work at my brothers café, I have not taken any holidays this year. I still have 4 days left to take which I will carry over for next years trip to Everest in February. I might also try to go to Hawaii next summer to see the sunrise whilst coasting down 38km of an active volcano on a bike.

I think I just need to set personal targets all the time… in fact we all do really, otherwise we will never move forwards, only sideways.

New friends, old friends and some words of wisdom?

2007-10-23T00:36:00.000Z

I have been pretty lazy lately… I guess I have nothing to complain about which is why I haven’t been blogging.

Lots has happened and I have found myself a couple of friends to keep me occupied. They are so funny and cheeky and they definitely keep me on my toes! Nope, not just any old mates. I got myself a couple of Russian dwarf hamsters! Soooo much fun but also a real handful. Very cute though! :D

Anyway, back on topic…

My life hasn’t been going that well in love, life and career… but yet I have found myself dispensing advice to numerous individuals. There are a couple asking me for advice on love lost and love emerging… people turning to me for advice on a career change and someone looking to start their own business… another friend confiding in me to keep a personal secret until he is ready.

Of all the people they know, why pick me? I really do not know.why.

My life is in no way perfect and I am struggling to find a way out… Love? Ha… what a joke! Career… well, I have a job but what are the prospects?

Nonetheless I am in a stable position at the moment and to be honest I am biding my time and planning my trip to Everest. I have not smoked for almost 10 months now. I feel healthy, I look fitter and more toned and I have improved my fitness. I have my family and a newborn cousin… so really what else do I need in life?

What do we need in life? We need food and shelter, friends and family around us… We need our health and anything more is a bonus. Maybe we expect too much in life which is why I am much less demanding of people and much more forgiving of others.

I guess it’s my laid back nature that makes me approachable to others… Sometimes I wish I have someone to turn to myself. And in a way I do… Here.

Feeling down...

2007-09-30T21:39:00.000Z

Lately I have been feeling pretty low. Life is passing me by and I am going nowhere. Since my injury I haven’t been able to go to the gym which has not really helped. It’s been 3 weeks and though the knee is somewhat recovered, the ankle has not. It is very disconcerting to be injured for so long. I am getting worried enough to consider going to get my knee and ankle checked professionally, though I also fear hearing the result too.

Last weekend I went out to celebrate my friends birthday singing karaoke. A typical Chinese means of celebrating and though I don’t really sing, I had a good time. It lasted till the early hours of Sunday morning, 4am to be precise and by the time I got home it was past 5am… Normally that would be fine. But on this particular Sunday I had to be up by 8am to head out to London again to queue up to buy tickets to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers.

Not many things inspire me usually, but the Terra Cotta Soldiers is one of the special piece of history that really fascinates me. But like all good plans, I had to come across some difficulties to make the day more interesting.

Traffic… One the most annoying things I can experience in London whilst running to a schedule. I eventually got there later than expected and the queue was already very long. For a long time I felt as though I wouldn’t be able to get the tickets for today and resigned to thinking of ways to take it out on people. Like pouring coffee over the usher… silly, I know. But I was annoyed!

Lucky for them I got the tickets, but I had to wait my time slot which was at 4pm. It was barely 11am! I ended up passing time by visiting the Japanese design exhibition first which was very interesting and I noticed how much Chinese influenced Japanese design in the last 50 years or so.

But it was still early when I finished. I made my way to Chinatown and wandered into the National Photographers Gallery which I loved. Some of the photos were very thought provoking whilst others offered insight into lives of others around the world.

1.30pm I met up with some friends for Dim Sum. After that I went back to the British Museum and went to see the soldiers.

The narration provided was interesting and offered a different angle to what I have known from being Chinese. Some conclusions that were reached made me smile whilst others surprised me. All in all the exhibition was a real eye opener for me and it made me more determined to visit them for real one day.

On another note, Jude Law was there too…

Other news in my life was the birth of my newest cousin, Alexander and 7lbs 8oz. Photos of him are on my facebook…

His birth has made me think about when I will have a child of my own. Lots go through my mind… if you want to know what, then read some of my earlier blogs.

Right now I am trying to refocus and make my way to the gym again, albeit in a lesser capacity. I have a new goal. All my efforts were made to prepare myself for the possibility of playing rugby, but my knee and ankle have shown me that it’s not going to happen now. Instead, I am not changing my strategy to prepare and condition my body for climbing Mount Everest in March.

Still crippled...

2007-09-16T22:14:00.000Z

A week on and I am still hobbling. I am now wondering if the injury is more serious than I first thought. Maybe in my younger years I healed quicker? Maybe I’m not healing because it needs professional medical help. Give it another week and if it is still no better I guess I will have to see a doctor.

The weekend has been pretty boring. I washed my car (again!) and I got my eyes tested. I have perfect vision. Not bad for a 30 year old!

On that note I have decided to get myself checked up from top to bottom. I’m not getting any younger and I should know what kind of shape I am in. I don’t expect to live forever, but I would like to stay as mentally and physically able as possible! Fingers crossed!

Argh... my knee!

2007-09-12T22:31:00.000Z

The weekend just gone has been one of most significance to me in the last 2-3 years.

For about 3 weeks I had been looking forward to this weekend because my old school had organised a Rugby 7s tournament. Not only was I going to play my favourite sport, I was going to see some familiar old faces.

The weekend started as pretty much every weekend does, with me getting up early on a Saturday morning to go to the gym followed by the ritual of washing my car. I was all prepared for a trip up to London to have dinner with some friends, one of which has just come back from Japan… But I got a text from my cousin in law who invited me round for a BBQ at his new house. My initial thought was grab a burger and then head off to London for dinner. When I got there I was welcomed with a couple of items of news… my cousin had set a date for his wedding AND my other cousin was pregnant! :O

There was a bit of a gathering with my cousin in law’s sister’s family there and his best friend and his family. It was just a nice summer’s day with good food. The children there were most energetic and we ended up wandering round to an open field where we threw a Frisbee around before the women wandered off to the shops leaving behind 4 grown men and a 6 year old girl. How did we keep ourselves entertained? We played ‘bulldog’! It was a funny sight!

Anyway, I had to make my way to London and as we left I got a text to say people were dropping out. So I stayed and we went back to the house for more BBQ food and the second half of the England match against Israel which ended convincingly for England. As we sat in the garden cooking and drinking and chatting it was one of the most pleasant says I have had in years. As the night drew near, we started to play silly drinking games which was very funny… when we got bored of that we decided to play even sillier games like spinning around a pole 10 times and then walking to the other side of the garden. Well that was the plan! What actually happened was that people were falling sideways and collapsing everywhere. But me, I had to try to demolish the shed by running into it… luckily I was dragged to the ground before any damage was done! It was hilarious!

But it was getting late and we all had early starts, mine being a rugby 7s tournament. We called it a night at 1am and I headed off home to pack my rugby gear.

Sunday… the day had finally arrived. I got up, got changed and left the house. I drove to school. I arrived and drove around the grounds reminding myself of the past I once had there. I parked up and wandered over to the field where a lot of the old boys were. There were many familiar faces but not many names. The strange thing was how these faces had aged… so much more than I expected. AND the fact that most of them were in the years below me!

Lots of catching up needed to be done and some faces I never expected to see again were appearing randomly. However, I was looking forward to playing some rugby. At kick off we managed to get through some phases of play and passed the ball fluently from player to player. We even managed to score a try! Then from kick off I ran and jumped for the ball. I got a touch but landed awkwardly with an opposition player on top of my right leg, spraining my ankle and twisting my knee. That was the end of me. I was hobbling for the rest of the day. I stayed on to chat some more to some old friends, swapped numbers before finally heading off home feeling rather annoyed at the injury I incurred.

I was in a lot of pain and I was getting worried that the injury was going to mean another knee op… Something I don’t want to go through again. Once home I strapped up my knee in the knee brace I had when I was going through the original operation. It took the weight off my knee and I hobbled a bit better!

The rest of the day I spent resting before venturing out to get food and petrol. For the rest of the night I planned to watch TV, but I got a call from my cousin and I went round for a game of Articulate! It was there that I got some more news… my cousin asked me to be his best man for his wedding. I felt very touched…

It was a weekend of highs and lows… of past memories and news of the next generation…

Unfortunately up till writing this blog my knee has recovered but my ankle hasn’t and I am still hobbling like an old man!

Though it has been one of the nicest weekends of my life, I feel disappointed I don’t have anyone to share this with…

Where does my time go?

2007-08-29T22:01:00.000Z

It seems like I have no time write my blog these days. There is always something to do or somewhere to go. Admittedly I am spending a lot of time at the gym and by the time I get home and have something to eat it is pretty much time for bed. I would spend some time online before going to sleep but mostly to catch up with friends on MSN or emailing…

With the week days taken up with going to the gym I only have the weekend to really chill out and relax. But the last weekend was manic and spent at my cousins and the weekend just gone was just as bad in terms of free time, or rather just time alone.

The Bank holiday weekend started off pretty well on Friday night helping my cousin and her husband move home. It’s been a long delay and it was fortunate that the move happened over the long weekend which gave us time to move the larger items of furniture. Although there weren’t many items to move, the size and weight seriously hampered the speed which we got the move done. Coupled with the fact that the new house was 20miles away it was a case of cramming as much as we could into one van load before coming back for a second. By the time we had done the two runs it was midnight. It was a long day…

Saturday morning I woke up early to go to the gym. I like going to the gym on Saturday mornings as it is very quiet and I get to move from machine to machine quickly. After the gym I went home to wash my car. One of my favourite activities these days… Being out in the sun and soaking up the rays and cleaning my car is so relaxing and a real stress buster…

In the evening a couple of friends came to visit and we went to play snooker… something we haven’t done in ages! It was fun but also a bit strange because there was no smoke in the snooker hall! Not that it wasn’t appreciated being a non smoker now for 8 months I am glad for the clear air.

Sunday was the day my cousins find out who the fastest driver is… on the Go Kart track! Knowing my position as a heavy weight amongst all my cousins I did my homework and went to the gym before meeting up with them to travel to the Go Kart track. It was after the gym that the weekend became annoying and frustrating as my car engine light came on again for the second time in 3 weeks! There was nothing I could do except drive home and wait till the weekend was over. I walked to the shop where my cousins arranged to meet and we made our way to the Go Kart track.

What started off so well became a nightmare as we could not find the Go Karting place to begin with and when we did, my cousin realised he had dropped his camera somewhere and he was getting very stressed and pissed off as it’s the first time he has lost anything that expensive… I put it down a to a learning experience.

The usual malarkey ensued with the pre race instructions and kitting up in the ‘nice’ overalls, gloves and helmets! Climbing into the go karts for the first time was a bit of a squeeze and I was thankful I did go to the gym to lose the minimal, but vital, millimetres! After splitting the cousins into 2 groups we went through 4 rounds of heats to sort the men from the boys! Testosterone mixed into the exhaust filled air and we were off! After 4 rounds the semi final positions were determined and the top 3 from each would fight for bragging rights in the final… I ended up in 4th position behind my cousin, another cousin’s friend and the husband of another cousin.

After the ‘awards’ on the podium we all headed back to my cousins and stuffed our faces with food before having a kick about for an hour or so. I was shattered after that. But the night was still young! We all then made our way over to my cousins new house and we ended up playing Trival Pursuits and poker till 4am!! It was a very long day and I was ‘dead’.

It was 7.45am when I was awoken by my weekday alarm… I had forgotten to turn off my ‘work’ alarm. But fear not, I fell straight back to sleep! :D

I eventually got up at around mid day and then went round to my uncles with my younger cousins to use his ‘gym’ whilst I was stranded without a car. But it wasn’t long before the stomach started to whine for feeding so we all headed out to the carvery for a roast lunch. The rest of the day afterwards was spent sharing painfully embarrassing stories about each other and ourselves! It was a very nice evening, in fact weekend, with all my cousins at different times and sharing laughs. From the youngest aged 7 through to the oldest aged 30… we all sat together and joked and laughed.

Work was a welcome relief from the hectic weekend… and the week has gone by pretty quickly. And hopefully my car will be fixed by tomorrow afternoon.

Over the last couple of weeks a number of ‘other’ things have happened which is somewhat confusing for me. On one hand I feel very sad but on another I feel a sense of relief and happiness. There’s no real way of saying this other than to be upfront and that my ex has found love in her flatmate who is also a guy I have known for a few years too. I don’t think there’s a need to say much more really. He’s a nice guy and she’s a lovely girl…. I hope it works out for them as they do suit each other.

Me… I’ll just plod along. I have my own thoughts and feelings which are a bit random and all over the place. One thing I am looking forward to is playing rugby with my school friends next weekend and also planning for a trip to trek Mount Everest…

Once I get some of my personal goals out of the way, maybe I will find someone to share my life with. Ideally I’d love to find someone to go to Everest with, but I’m not holding my breathe!

My long weekend...

2007-08-19T23:57:00.000Z

It started after work on Friday and ended as I write this blog entry...

My usual routine on a Friday consisted of finishing work, going home and then to the gym. Not much changed up to that point. Normally my evening would end with a shower and a few hours chilling out at home. However, this was not to be and after my shower I was on the road driving up to Tiptree in Essex where my grandparents and cousins live for the purpose of a summer get together with the cousins for a BBQ and football. It's a 110mile journey and it was the furthest I had driven in my S2000. I had some reservations about the usability of the S2000 on long journeys but as it turned out it was a very comfortable journey and I had no complaints. By the time I arrived at my cousins, who live right next door to our grandparents, it was nearly 1am. But we still stayed up till about 3am before heading off to bed.

Saturday morning I was up by 9.30am. I sleep a lot less than my cousins so I went online whilst waiting for them to awaken. The plan for today was to go yum cha in Colchester with my grandparents and aunts and uncles. We headed off at 1.30pm and got back for around 4pm. We then decided to have a kick around which was knackering but fun with kids as young as 11 against uncles as old as 40. Of course it was all good natured and the object was to have fun and sweat! Which we did!

That night was all about rest until the last of the cousins arrived and then it was a 2 hour game of Articulate! It was so funny and also showed how knowledgeable some cousins were compared to others! The 'oldies' ended up last and the 'babies' won! 4 teams of 3 people and the youngest team won... the shame! LOL

Sunday followed after another night of limited sleep. We pretty much started the BBQ as soon as everyone was awake. Unfortunately the weather wasn't so kind to us and it was raining most of the early afternoon which meant having the BBQ inside the garage! I had never seen so much smoke! However, we still continued as planned and we cooked meat on fire! My cousin even had time to fit an airfilter to his car!

We all stuffed our faces and had to digest the food before we could muster up the energy to play football. Luckily the weather dried up and the game was on! Mid way through some rain fell and some were hoping to call it a day, but we keep on going and it soon stopped again.The goals flowed and we soon discovered who were the fitter ones. As the boys played, the girls we doing their own thing in the park... Judging by the photos, they had a lot of fun too!

Getting back from football we went for round 2 of BBQ food and watched the rest of the football on TV. A few started to leave as they were starting work early tomorrow. I stayed behind with my brother and the young 'uns for pizza before heading off into the rain. After an hour and forty minutes I was home... I unpacked, put clothes in the wash and ran a bath.

It's been a long and fun weekend... Next weekend is go karting with the cousins. Should be another good one!

I love where I live...

2007-08-16T23:22:00.001Z

I just wanted to talk a little about where I live. It's a little village off junction 5 on the M3. I say little, but it has grown considerably in the 30 years that I have lived here.

Although I have moved around the country and bought properties in other locations, I still feel at home here. It's the fresh air, the tranquility and the general laid back attitude. There are no chavs around, there is little crime and everyone knows everyone else.

But the best thing about living in a small village is the wildlife and the farm animals I see on my daily journey in to work. Some may find it strange, but I am an animal lover. Always have been. Where I live, our garden backs onto a field where a couple of horses graze, and on a few occasions we even get deers passing through our garden as well as a many others like woodpeckers, squirrels, cats, our neighbours dog... it's just so nice to see wildlife around.

On my way to work I saw a deer crossing the road, numerous rabbits scurrying away, pheasants dashing for cover and sometimes badgers just on the side of the road. On my way back I can choose another route that guarantees me to see some dwarf ponies, cattle grazing and sheep. There is so much life around and such clean air I cannot think of a better place to be.

Saying that, situations can change and maybe I will have to move one day? But it's great to know there is still a lovely retreat where I can be amongst a lot of wildlife. When I do move out and live in my own space, I WILL get a dog!

Recent downturn in fortunes... and a more thoughts on life

2007-08-13T18:44:00.000Z

A long break since my last update. No particular reason other than being lazy and not having much to say really. I contemplated 'blogging' a few times but I wasn't really inspired so I left it.

Certain things have played on my mind recently and though things are going pretty well, I find a small bit of bad news can have a big impact on me emotionally. Winning is a habit, but so is losing applies to how I am feeling too. Whilst I am feeling good, not a lot can damage my positivity, but once it gets bad then it becomes a chore to life myself up again.

There were times when I felt I could just blurt out my angst to all and not give shit. But I took time to think things through and realise it's not fair on people if I did that because it is not there fault I feel the way I feel. It's a personal issue that I have to place under control. People haven't changed, it's my own perception that has. It was probably more evident since my car had a cylinder failure resulting in a lack of mobility for a week and that also meant no gym! Something I really miss!

But there were some positives to be gained from being carless... I got to use public transport a bit more which I have never had many complaints about other than being restricted to travelling at certain times. I trained into town a couple of times during the week and I also trained out to London (seperate story to tell here...)! Having met up with friends in London for dim sum I then faced a dilemma of getting home. My friend offered me a lift to his and we hung out for most of the day. Bought a frisbee and chucked that around in the warm weather. Then he washed his car. Later that evening another friend picked me up to go bowling where I met up with some more friends who eventually gave me a lift home! It was wonderful the way I managed to work my way home from central London via network of friends!

Anyway, I want to go back to the issue of publie transport. Maybe I am not a regular user of trains and public transport but I do enjoy using it when necessary. It takes the pain out of having to stay alert and I get to read and listen to music. Due to the problem on my car I had to take a train to London over the weekend as explained in the previous paragraph. I walked to the train station and as I approached I saw my train pulling up! I ran and just jumped on in time! I then went to see the ticket inspector to purchase a ticket, but instead I was told I had to pay a fine because I boarded a train without a valid ticket. I argued I wanted to catch the train and came to buy a ticket as soon as I could, but he was having none of it and gave me 2 options which meant nothing to me as he didn't really explain himself very clearly. In the end I paid the fine and bought a ticket.

Now, in my younger days I would have probably been really pissed off with the guy and probably wouldn't have gone looking to buy a ticket. But being more mature and older I wanted to do the right thing. I appreciate that there are rules and regulations in business and I was using a service. I can argue that the train was going to go to London with or without me, but I was using the service so I should pay. The ticket inspector was merely doing the same job I do day in day out, ensuring that our customers pay for the licenses and maintenance of our software. It's easy to be lenient and let things by, but that is not business and that is where companies fail. Adhering to rules and regulations ensure that a company is at its most efficient and although it was more than what I was expecting to pay for my travels, I did not feel hard done by.

This month is a bit of a quiet month for me because I need to get back on track with my finances now. Most of my time is being spent with my relatives rather than going out and it has been good. This weekend I will be going up to Essex for a BBQ and kick around with cousins, and the following weekend is another 'cousins' gathering at a Go Karting day. Before I know it, Christmas will be here! I have yet to decide if I want to go back to HK or not yet.

I feel ‘fat’ from not going to the gym for the last week due to lack of car. Can’t wait to get back in and working out again. I feel more alert and less fatigued when I have been going to the gym!

Something else that came to my mind today was the repetitiveness of our lives. Maybe it's just my own, but I have noticed that week in week out the same routine takes place. We spend Mondays to Wednesday talking about the weekend just gone and from Wednesday to Fridays talking about what to do for the coming weekeng! I guess my life is quite mundane at the moment. Stuck in a bit of a rut with visions of the future looking very foggy... I can see no further than a month ahead. I'd love to look further ahead and plan my life with someone but planning for one requires very little... especially when it is me. A guy who has pretty much everything and needs nothing.

Another take I have on life is how our short working years can be shortened and represented by a 7 day week. We work 5 out of 7 days which is almost 50 of our 70 years. How we choose to work and live can be represented within these 7 days. For some the week starts on a Monday where we would work hard and earn our money to spend over the weekend. Others may choose to spend over the weekend and work to pay off the debt. Our lives are very similar in that we can effectively work early and spend our hard earned cash or we can have our fun now and spend the rest of our lives paying for it.

The end result is very much the same but the lifestyle you live is very different. I don't know if there is a right way or a wrong way, but its our own way...

A 30 year old's blog

2007-08-02T23:11:00.001Z

A couple of days into my 30s and I feel no different. I feel quite relaxed actually and I have just been continuing to live each day as normal with work followed by the gym.

Maybe I’ll talk about what I watched on TV tonight instead… Well it was on National Geographic Wildlife. I was watching documentaries about bears.

I have a fascination with bears. They are massive creatures with great destructive power and pretty much with predator other than humans. But even with their strength and power to kill they are relatively ‘nice’ towards humans in that most attacks end up without life being lost, which cannot be said for other wild animal attacks.

The bear is powerful, graceful and passive unless provoked… I like to think I am in a similar mould myself and if reincarnations exist I would like to come back as a bear! J

Actually there were 2 programs on bears and the second focused on an ageing bear who used to rule the river where the bears fished. Unfortunately the bear was getting fat to old to defend his turf and he was over powered by a younger more hungry bear. I guess I kinda felt sorry for the ageing bear, but that is life. We get old and we get surpassed. We cannot rule forever and I think it is important to know this.

We all have our time on this earth and we need to make the most of the time we have before it is taken away from us due to nature and the natural cycle of life. But what comes around goes around and the ageing bear fathered a couple of cubs who one day may regain their father’s crown.

All I can do now is to make sure I keep myself fit and healthy and make sure I use the time I have left to its maximum potential. It’s easy enough to live a simple life and go through the motions, but I would like to make more of an impact. Maybe not in the sense that I become wealthy and powerful, but more in the sense that I have helped people and it is recognised.

Last few hours as a 20 something

2007-07-30T22:53:00.000Z

I’m in my last hour of being 20 something…

30 years of being alive and where am I?

Will anything change because I am becoming a 30 something?

In the last 10 years I have managed to achieve some significant milestones which makes me feel that the next 10 years will mean even greater achievements. But in some respects I feel I am still at square one and I could be turning 20 again. I’m still single and I’m still living at home with my parents.

Positives and negatives are easy to pick out over a period of 10 years… but I think what is important is the experience, the learning and character development. Am I a better person than I was when I was just turning 20?

In my younger years I was somewhat proud and arrogant… traits I don’t think I have completely lost. I also assumed I knew more than I actually did. But as I have grown up I have come to realise the world is a lot more complex than I thought and reading books does not compensate for life experiences.

Quite simply, life does not read like a book. Things you read are usually of things that worked out and the difficulties THAT person experienced. No two lives are the same and until I experienced everything for myself I did not know how to over come the challenges that spring up from nowhere.

Sometimes I feel as though I am still a bit immature for my age and a lot of people are still telling me that being 30 is still very young. Young compared to who and what? Compared to other people who are still out drinking and having fun? I prefer to compare myself to my parents and the generation before. And in that sense I feel old and I feel as though I am a failure.

What is the big deal though? I mean it’s just another day really and I won’t change over night. Why the significance of a number?

I guess it is a defining moment and we all deal with things in different ways. I won’t be sad to see my 20s disappear into history. I won’t be happy to embrace the 30s. I will just be me and continue as I am now… Still thinking a lot, working and going to the gym...

Football United

2007-07-29T01:52:00.000Z

It’s sometimes quite amazing what an acre of green grass with 22 grown men chasing a ball means to people of all nations and nationality.

Today I experienced that to its full effect. Chinese, English, Indian, French and American all watching the phenomenon that is foorball.

There was no hostility and no rivalry. It was pure admiration of the skills on show and the emotionally rollercoaster of seeing near misses, passionate tackling, athleticism, composure and great finishing.

We were experiencing the first 2 matches of the Emirates Cup, hosted by Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium. It was a beautiful day which lasted until we reached our car to make our way home.

If only the weather will be the same for tomorrow when my birthday celebrations begin and the reality of turning 30 sets in…

When hard work pays off...

2007-07-23T21:57:00.000Z

So I have been going to the gym for 2 months now. How do I feel? I feel fit and healthy. I feel energetic and positive. I feel as though I have achieved a mini milestone in my life.

The truth is I joined the gym for a multitude of reasons… trying to get fit after I have quit smoking for coming up to 7 months now, considering the idea of playing rugby for my local team, preparing for trekking holidays in the future, prolonging my youth for a few more years… but in all honesty, I just wanted a 6 pack. I wanted to get the 6 pack before my 30th birthday and although I am not quite there yet, I am closer than I have ever been before! My whole body is toned that I can’t believe it. Hard work does pay off! Now I just need to maintain my rhythm and keep up the hard work and I will get a 6 pack, just not before I turn 30.

It’s no big deal really. I feel as though I have gone back 10 years rather than aged 10 years to be honest. When I was 19-20 I was pretty fit but then it all went downhill. After a long time of inactivity I have regained my desire to exercise and keep fit. I have rolled back those years and I really do feel great.

This weekend I celebrated my friend’s 29th birthday. A friend I have known for 10 years now. Looking back over the last 10 years a lot has happened and we have grown up and changed a lot as individuals. My close group of friends met whilst at uni and working part time. We spent our free time talking on the phone about shit and meeting up at least once a week to eat and waste our money on arcade games.

Ten years on those ‘bums’ are now working a couple with double degrees. Driving nice cars … another has started a business… promotions coming round every year. It’s all so different and all so normal. Sometimes I look back and wonder why we did the things we did. Would be better off having worked harder in our youth rather than waste it away? Was it wasted or has it helped develop us into who we are today?

Regardless of the answer to the questions above, we are where we are now due to some of us working harder than others. There’s no secret to success in life. It comes down to how much you want it and how hard you fight for it.

Today, on the rowing machine… I had a choice to stop at 10 minutes which would have been a decent amount of exercise, but I chose to continue to 15 minutes. I know what I want to achieve and I will do everything I can to do so. Life isn’t so different… you get out in life exactly what you put in.

My recent thoughts

2007-07-13T00:25:00.000Z

I have been quite at peace with myself lately. Going to the gym and exercising my body has helped clear my mind. It's true when they say healthy body, healthy mind.

Turning 30 had been a bit of a fear of mine, but recently I haven't been too bothered. They say age is just a number and I have felt this to be true now that I am going to the gym regularly. I am healthier and fitter than I have ever been since I was a teenager. Feeling this way is very addictive... And to feel this way as I am turning 30, I feel as though it's not too bad after all.

But then there are still my fears of being too old when I have my first child and also not finding the person I want to spend my life with.

I have reached a comfort zone in life and though I wish to find a relationship that works, I also fear that I am holding back because I am afraid of change.

At this moment in time, life seems very simple. You set yourself goals and objectives and you go about trying to achieve them. Upon success you could say you have had a good life. However we are human... we are never happy. Once we achieve one goal we move on to another.

One thing I have noticed is that the more we know the more we yearn. Take one of my favourite hobbies for example... cars. I used to obsess about cars. Buying magazines week in week out, sometimes subscribing. The more information I found out, the more I read about new technology and design the more I would want the latest and fastest car. The more I knew the more I wanted to compare my car with others in its class. But now, having weaned myself away from such literature I know relatively little about the modern cars being brought to market today. Which is why I am content with what I have. I know no better and I don't really care either. I love what I have and I don't need to compare.

They say knowledge is power... but power just brings on greed and lust. Life is full of temptations which we do not try to avoid. Nor do we appreciate what we have around us. We are constantly worried about what we may have missed out on... when really, the only thing we miss is our own life.

I wouldn't say I am depressed at this moment in time neither am I in a reflective mood. What I am experiencing is a moment of clarity. This is my own clarity of course and I do not expect anyone to feel the same. One man's clarity is another's mud!

Ramble, ramble... that's what I seem to be doing now. Until another thought comes to my mind...

Had a great day....

2007-07-02T22:38:00.000Z

I had a brilliant day today. Nothing special happened, in fact everything was rather ordinary...

The day started with a phone call from parents to say they are safe and sound in Hong Kong. My normal morning routine ensued and I was in the office for 8.50am.

Work was slow after a mad end to the quarter which coincided with the company full financial year end. There were a few reports to create and send out to our distributors before a team meeting where we were told of a reshuffle in the team structure due to being so efficient we are now taking on additional work in other parts of the world.

Home time for everyone meant gym time for me. I decided to stay a little later at work and head to the gym straight after to save having to drive out again after going home. It was a bit packed at the gym but out of the blue I bumped into an old colleague of mine and we had a brief chat about things. I managed to get most of my work out completed other than the stretching as the gym was too full. To compensate for a shorter routine I extended my rowing time from 15 minutes to 30 minutes. Making sure I was working in the optimal fat burn zone throughout. It felt really relaxed and I was pretty comfortable... so much so I think I could have rowed for an hour!

After the gym I ordered a pizza... Ok, not the best food to be eating, but I just fancied it as I haven't had it in a while. I settled in at home and put on Men in Black. It was a perfect end to an ordinary day. Simple things are often the things that please us most. I try not to expect too much then I cannot be disappointed. :)

How are my readers?

2007-06-30T20:11:00.001Z

It has been a long time since I have written about me and my life. And the reason for that is because I have been busy.

Again I am at a higher point in my life where I am not stressing too much nor am I worrying about being single. I have found a new focus in work and in the gym. The last month has been a lot of hard work with some tense moments as my team and I tried our best to achieve the target set at the beginning of the quarter. In the end the target was smashed and it was a great end for the company in its first full operating year.

As for going to the gym, I had set my mind on getting fit to play rugby in September for a local team. But also I just want to lose some fat and get fit and healthy after 5 months of quitting smoking. So far I have been going to the gym for about 5 weeks now. And at least 3 times a week. The effects are showing and I also feel a lot fitter too. Actually I am getting very much addicted to going to the gym nowadays. So much so that I prefer to be at the gym than to go out and see my friends!! :S

The rest of my life so far doesn’t really exist. If anyone is expecting some juicy gossip about a girl in my life, I am going to have to disappoint you! There is nothing to tell. I have pretty much left it down to fate rather than work myself up over nothing. I want something to happen… but I guess I have to be patient.

Work, health, love… what else do I need to cover?

I am really enjoying my life at the moment…. Maybe its because I have set myself a goal with going to the gym… Maybe I am just not allowing myself to stress because I have no time…

Would I say this is a positive entry as opposed to a negative one? Yes… I would definitely say I am far happier now than I have been in the last few months. I’ll keep it short and sweet. Happy people have little to write about because we are only ever good at complaining!

Choices

2007-06-13T20:43:00.000Z

Today I made a very simple and logical decision. I laid in bed after work feeling quite dozy... I could have just closed my eyes and fallen asleep, but I made a choice. I chose to get up and drive to the gym.

I guess life is a bit like this. We all work hard and we have a choice to make. Do we go and work a little bit more? Or do we stay in and rest on our laurels? It would have been easy for me to stay in and rest one day. I mean I have been to the gym 4 days in a row already... is it so bad that I miss one day? Should I let my body rest?

There are many excuses we find for ourselves in choosing to do things that make our lives easy. But we struggle to find reasons for working harder. I know it is not a battle I always win with myself, but winning is a habit and that is what I am doing now. I am winning. Each time I go to the gym I am getting a little bit fitter. You may argue that my body needs rest, and I will be resting it tomorrow.

Once I can find the motivation to push myself that little bit further I will be able to carry that in other areas of my life. I haven't always been lazy and I haven't always been this unfit. There were times where I had drive and determination... now, later than it should be, I am rediscovering this drive and determination. I have a goal to acheive and I will achieve it.

Random thought: Are trees and plants 'carniverous' in the sense that they 'eat' themselves (fallen leaves and twigs that have decomposed)?

Blast from the past

2007-06-07T21:42:00.000Z

Since the purchase of my new car I haven’t had a normal day or work. Basically I went from my cousins wedding to taking a week off to help my brother at his café. Managed to get to the gym a couple of times and the driving range too… but I spent far too much time driving with the roof down! Over the weekend I drove to London and spent about 2 hours in the car getting sunburnt. Yes… I can get sunburnt in the UK even after just a couple of hours.

Well the final outcome is that I fell ill. I got a cold, or as my colleagues at work prefer, I had ‘Man Flu’. The WORST flu of all and is touted as the reason dinosaurs became extinct. Luckily I am so fit and healthy I was only bed ridden for a couple of days! A lesser man would be out for WEEKS!

However, being ill meant a perfect opportunity to upload photos I had taken of the wedding and also gave me a chance to scan and upload some old photos I had. Many of these are pre-digital camera days… Hell some of these were taken before many of my friends were even born!

Anyway, I posted photos of the wedding and my new car along with my Hong Kong photos on my imagestation. But I also selected a bunch of photos which had my mug shot in and placed them on facebook too. Some of these photos were of the rugby teams I had played in and all my friends from college.

In the middle of putting these photos up I was added as a friend by a guy I used to live and work with 4 years ago! It was so totally random, but it was cool. And before I knew it I was being added by some old school and college friends! People who I haven’t heard from or seen in over 10 years were appearing suddenly. And a little digging around led me to find even more friends! I never thought I would get to talk let alone see any of these people again… but I guess that’s all changed!

What is quite amazing is that the last time I had seen or talked to these college friends the world was a totally different place. A place where mobile phones were still quick an expensive novelty, the computer was running Windows 3.11 and the internet was via dial up but only very very tech savvy families had it! Email didn’t even exist as far as we knew! Most of us could drive but had no car. Facial hair was still waiting to appear. Relationships meant a snog. This was when I was 17-18 years old in 1995. Those days were about DiscMan and Doc Martins. Those days were about having fun and not caring about the world. Those days we had no fear… we were MEN.

The funny thing is that most of these people still look the same albeit 12 years older. I just wonder what I look like in their eyes. This window of 12 years… what has happened in their lives? Some have married, some have moved abroad, some are still bumming around, some have even left us. Makes me think how people have drifted apart, yet the internet has managed to bring many of us back together again!
So, although I have been ill for a couple of days I have not felt this good in a LONG LONG time! My voice may almost be gone due to having a sore throat and having to talk to distributors at work, but I feel really good from the inside out. Now it’s just a case of finding a time to get together and meet up with some ‘old friends’….

THE LAST 10 DAYS

2007-05-28T22:22:00.001Z

I have been quiet for 10 days now. It seems like I am finding things difficult to put down to words or is it just from the lack of time and determination? Nonetheless, I am back and I will try to fill you in on what I have been doing and how I have been feeling in the last 10 days.

Buying a car

Some people will already know I was in the process of buying a car to replace my ageing Civic. The Civic has been a really good car to me and it was honestly my first dream car in my late teens and early 20s. It had the performance I craved for, it was reasonably cheap to run and maintain and it was practical to the point I had moved to 3 different homes in it. The best car I have had and probably the best I will ever have in terms of all round capabilities along with running costs. My baby has endured 5 hard years and 102,000 miles with me and I am definitely sad to see it go. Sometimes I still feel as though I am on an extended test drive in my new car and any day now I will get back into my Civic….

But no… my new car is also a Honda, but this time it is the S2000. It’s never been a car that I have taken much noticed off as I was always after something practical, which almost inevitably meant a hatchback. However, times have changed and with my parents buying an additional car, the burden for me to own something practical lessened. Coupled with the fact the Civic had done over 102,000 miles in 5 years, I felt that the Civic was nearing a major ‘surgery’ which is why I felt I had to let it go.

The S2000 is different in every way other than the badge that sits on the bonnet and boot lid. The car seats two people only, has a small boot and it is a convertible. It has a somewhat subtle but noticeable appeal to it being a convertible. But it is not as loud or as brash as the Civic even though it is much more a sports car with its front engine rear wheel drive set up. The performance is fractionally better, but fuel consumption is poorer.

There’s a lot of good things to say about the S2000 but even more for the Civic, but they are different cars with different purposes and appeals to different demographics. A car like the S2000 that I would not have considered a few months back is now the only means of transport I have. But I am very happy with it.

However, I did not buy the car from new, I bought it 2nd hand from a respectable dealer. But I made simple rookie mistakes in missing certain check points and I got a rough deal. Not that I blame the dealer, because they sold me a very good car, but I blame myself for not making them provide me with the best service before committing my money. I am still very pleased with the car I have bought, but I do have to spend a little more money just to make it ‘perfect’ in my eyes. Nothing major, but just a minor gripe. It is a small price to pay for a car that I will own for at least 3 years.

Joined the gym

In amongst the decision of buying the S2000, I had a thorough look at myself and I realised that physically I needed to get healthier. Although I have quit smoking for 5 months now, I am not ‘reclaiming’ my health as I should be. I’m not overly fat, but I could do with losing some inches around the waist!

Joining the gym had crossed my mind earlier on in the year, but I was doing kick boxing at the time. It was good to do something physical but I did not see why I was doing kick boxing after a while. The fitness only reached a certain level and I was only going once a week. Whilst I was there, all I was doing was trying to ‘score’ points off my opponent but striking and kicking them. Violence as a sport without the pain seems a bit pointless to me and I have decided to train to prepare my body for a season of playing rugby…

That may not happen, but I have thought out the options and the best thing to do is to join the gym and build up some strength and fitness. Regardless of what I do at the end, at least I will have a healthier and fitter body.

Another reason for joining the gym now is to make use of my NUS card which expires in September (the MBA course was just over one calendar year, therefore I was registered as a student for 2 years). This meant I ended up paying £26 per month as opposed to £40 per month and I have the same benefits! BONUS! J

Considering shaving my head

Alongside the decision to buy the S2000, I also toyed with the idea of shaving my head. Being in a convertible I have seen some scary hair as a by product and maybe having no hair is the way to go! I have shaved my head before and I’m not afraid to do it again, but I decided to let the fate of my hair be decided online through my friends. They can choose to have my hair off or kept on by joining one or the other. The side group with the most members decides what I do with my hair.

And as a prelim I had a strip of hair waxed off my calf. One to see how bald skin looks like and two, to prove how little it hurts and that girls shouldn’t whinge at the pain! :P Mind you it was a bit ‘red’ the next day, but there was no pain that I experienced that warrants sharing with anyone. It was just like taking a plaster off.

You may be wondering WHY I would wax a strip of hair off my leg in the first place and where I got the wax strip from? Well, my cousin was getting married and the night before the wedding she was getting ready with her sister and bridesmaids. I popped over to check on the final arrangements where I saw they had some wax strips. Being curious and inquisitive I took the plunge and tried the wax for myself. Now I know how it feels, I may consider getting all my hair off for charity? What do you think?? How much would YOU pay to see me hairless?! And I mean EVERYWHERE!!! :O

Cousins Wedding

Yesterday was my cousin’s wedding, the first of the family on my mum’s side. It has been talked and talked about and all the efforts by everyone finally came together and the day was brilliant if a little overcast by the pouring rain.

The venue was a school with a wonder view. The building was a stately home type building and everything inside was very ornate and pretty. There were many tears shed by everyone including my grandfather who was very negative about the wedding until it happened.

I was asked to drive the bride to the venue and I had already done one dry run the day before to find the route. I arrived 15mins early to pick up my cousin, the bride, but was left waiting 30mins whilst she was getting ready and crying tears of happiness. But eventually we got in the car and made our way. The dry run I did proved most useful until I passed the final turning which meant I went 5 miles in the wrong direction! After much panic and sweating we managed to find the turning and arrived 20mins later than expected which was great as it meant the groom worked up a little sweat himself!

It was very touching at times and although it was very much a standard affair, it seems a little more significant when it is someone so close in the family. For me, it was my younger cousin who I have seen grow up from a tiny little baby to someone’s wife. It may be because she is my cousin, or it may be because of my age, but I felt real happiness for the couple. The groom is a great guy who I get along very well with and we, as a family, already accepted him before they were talking of marriage.

Though there were aspects which could have been improved upon, such as the food and the weather and maybe with the people invited, but all in all it was a great day with lots of laughter and lots of fun.

DANCING was something which really made the evening great. A wedding is one place where children and adults are all dancing together and to see my little cousins dance was a wonderful and funny sight. But then they saw me dancing the night away too which was probably more embarrassing! LOL Especially when I started to lose my clothes as the night wore on and I worked up more of a sweat! Luckily the night didn’t go on for too long!

Mid life crisis

Now for the truth behind everything I have done. I fear I am having a midlife crisis! Look at the evidence… I have bought a sports car, I have joined a gym, I am looking to change my appearance by shaving my head, I feel a little jealous (but definitely happier) seeing my cousin getting married whilst I am still single.

I really do not like the fact I am getting older and I am not settling down with my own life and to have a family of my own. Am I trying to justify everything I am doing? Or does everything actual make sense and it’s not really a crisis at all?

All I know is that I have been unhappy lately. I have made some decisions which makes me happier that are also logical choices, in my mind, such as changing my car and joining the gym. A thing like shaving my head is basically me looking back on my youth. I have shaved my head in the past and it’s just something I would like to do again to capture on camera so at least I have some record of it happening which I neglected the first time round.

The truth is, I will be 30 in 2 months time. It will spring up on me before I even know it! What will I do to celebrate? Who do I want to be there? Last year was a combination of my birthday and also to mark the end of my MBA. This year marks the end of my 20s and the beginning of my 30s. Many people tell me how young I am, but I know I should have achieved more than what I have now. It bugs me to live in fear of failure when I could have made something for myself.

I have set in my mind a 3 year plan. It is a selfish plan which doesn’t include anyone at the moment. But even if someone was to become part of my life, I need to focus and make sure I follow through with my plan. Success or failure is not of any great importance now. The important thing to me is that I follow through on what I have set out to do and that I do not get put off by negative people around me. I need to show more resilience and strength to ignore words of failure and just go for it…

In some respects I am very unhappy, but in others I feel much rejuvenated. It’s such a contradictory feeling, but that is how I feel.

There has been a lot of sighing lately which I hope to turn into laughter and joy….

Giving

2007-05-18T22:20:00.000Z

Having spent a lot of time talking about myself and my woes... I am turning my attention to something else. I am giving blood again. It has been a while since I have given blood and I do feel guilty for not doing so more regularly.

There isn't much I can give to the world at this moment in time as I struggle to support myself, but what I can do, along with pretty much anyone else, is give blood. I know there are those who are scared of needles or afraid to see blood, but the fact is that blood saves lives. A small sacrifice that you and I can definitely afford.

And why stop there? I have registered myself as a bone marrow donor and also a tissue donor too. I am also looking to become a platelet donor. If the little I do can help save a life then I would at least feel as though my life has not been wasted. I know I can do a lot more, and I will in the future.

I don't expect everyone to suddenly become donors, but have a think and maybe you can see the benefits you offer to the people who needs your help. You will feel great even if you only ever give blood once in your life.

The truth

2007-05-17T21:29:00.000Z

The turth is something we all seek, but sometimes it's not what we always want to hear or know. On Monday night I felt the truth kick in and I woke up to reality.

Up until that point I had been harbouring thoughts and beliefs that there might be a spark waiting to ignite a big bright fire. But what I saw was more akin to a match trying to light a wet piece of paper. It was never going to work.

It's much easier to hide behind a web of lies I had spun for myself and pretend that things were progressing smoothing when all that has happened is that I chose to ignore the signs. It was apparent from the beginning, but when you want something that bad you often try to lie to yourself to make a lie seem like the truth.

Right now I am not the happiest of people and I have been experiencing moods swings more frequently than before. Every time I experience this type of pain I am driven to do things to kill time and try to put the pain behind me. This time is no different. I am looking to changing my car, I have joined the gym and I am looking to play rugby again. It's such a predictable occurrence that I don't even believe I will do any of these things any more.

One day I woke up full of positivity and the next I am waking up and finding nothing good in my life. I guess I shouldn't be so blind!

Whilst I am in a reflective mood, I just want to say sorry to my mum and brother for losing my temper the other night... I can't blame the fact I am feeling depressed, as I am old enough and wise enough to know better. I'm sorry.

Feeling antisocial

2007-05-13T23:49:00.000Z

Prior to going to HK I had a packed schedule with something to do, someone to see or somewhere to go nearly every day of the week. But since my return from HK I am feeling somewhat antisocial and lacking motivation to go and see people, do things or go places.

I have many things on my mind of late. Time spent with parents and grandparents have had a profound effect on me. It has made me think of my future more and more. What am I doing with my life? Where do I want to be this time next year? Setting myself up for the future is figuring highly on my agenda. But how? I spent time in HK with my parents and their friends and they talk of making tens of thousands in a blink of an eye. They can afford to eat at the most expensive restaurants in HK. HOW DO I GET TO THEIR POSITION?!

Granted that they are close to 30 years my senior, but given my education and English language skills, surely I can accomplish just as much, if not more? I feel a bit useless at times. It is in these moments of depression that I feel as though no one around me knows how I feel... basically my peers. Who do I talk to?

I just feel that my generation of young men and women are not as driven as people of my parents generation. But then how can we be when our parents provide for us as best they can thus making our lives as easy as possible? As 30 years of age looms ever closer I have decided to make a 3 pronged effort to make a mark of my own.

I have 3 business ideas to work on which I hope to complete one by the end of the year whilst working in a full time job. I really enjoy what I do at the moment and I feel as though I have a lot to offer the company and I feel reluctant to leave until I am sure of how to start up my second business which will hopefully fund my third and final business venture which will be of no surprise to people when I say it will be in property.

So for all my friends who have tried to tempt me out of hibernation... my apologies. I will definitely show my face once I can get past my negativity. I have promised many people many times that I will come out... and I will. I just need some time to myself to clear my head and to find comfort in my situation, which is actually pretty good... but coming from a family of high acheivers I feel like a major underacheiver!

Hope people don't miss me too much. I will document my life as best I can here... so keep coming back! :)

Have you missed me?

2007-05-10T01:23:00.000Z

I have been absent from my blog for a long time now and the reason for that is because I have been in HK for the last week. There was no stable internet connection and I didn’t have the time to update anyway. So here is what I have been up to…

Expressing Myself

Before I left to go to HK I did something I wanted to do for a while now. I told a girl how I felt about her. How did I do it? I wrote her a letter. I bought her a couple of small gifts and I sent it all in the post knowing that I will not be in the country when she receives it. Am I being old fashioned? I don’t really know, but I know I couldn’t think about what I was doing otherwise I would just get embarrassed and not be able to go through with it. As it turns out she wants to talk to me in person now… I feel nervous. I’m not sure whether I will be rejected or accepted. Either way, I feel better having told her how I feel and I have nothing to hide now. I’d rather KNOW where I stand rather than hold out and wait for an unknown period of time. It’s not long till we meet so I will soon know…

Grandparents

My main purpose of going to HK was to see my grandmother. She has been alone since my grandfather passed away 2 years ago. It’s great that she is still in good health and showing no signs of aging even though she’s nearing her 90s! I wish I could visit her more often but it’s just not possible. Although the time we spend together is mostly in silence, I feel a closeness and a calmness around her.

However, my other grandparents who are both alive and well are more comical. Grandmother is always overhearing things that make her think the worse of grandfather. Grandfather is always picking on grandmother for her naivety. They have been together for 60 years but they have not learnt to live with each other.

Death and Money

I don’t know if I am just getting old or I am just growing up. But I find that life revolves around these two. When people die others dive in to grab any money left behind. It seems so sad but that is the society we live in today. On one hand there are those who are always looking to take advantage, but I also heard a very sad and touching story about a man who had over £1million and about to retire.

He planned to buy a house for each of his 3 sons when he retires and with the money left over he was going to travel the world with his wife. Unfortunately his wife had to go through a minor operation and during the process she contracted a virus which she never recovered from. The family was devastated and took solace in Hong Kong. Only 3 months had passed since the death of his wife when his youngest son fell ill and the doctors discovered a tumour in his head. For 2 years the man spent his life savings on the best doctors and the best medicine to heal his son, but to no avail and he passed away after nearly spending his father’s entire savings. One mans life was turned upside down in 2 years.

Shopping for others…

My time in Hong Kong was an exercise as a shopping assistant for rich people! I trawled the streets of Kowloon for over 12hours over 2 days. I spent over £400 and most of it was for other people! I had to find, buy, carry and deliver back to various people in the UK. Not that I mind as I was buying for my little cousins and also for the girl I like. In fact I found that there is great contentment in finding things that people asked me to buy. It did take me 3 hours walking up and down Ladies Market, but finding the items brought me the biggest smile!

Me…

So much is going through my head recently. I have had so much time to think. For an entire week I have pretty much been hanging around people who are much older than me. My grandparents, my parents and their friends. I did see a few friends and spent time with them too. But I felt more of a connection with the ‘oldies’. Their words make more sense and are more important to me. Am I really THAT old now?!!?

There’s so much I want to do and achieve. Will I do it? I want to change my car. I want to start my own business. I want to afford the lifestyle my parents live for my future family. I wan to make a difference to those around me. I want to live a happy life…

2007-04-22T22:32:00.000Z

Looking back over the week makes me tired. I have done so much over the week and weekend I feel as though my life is a blur... There has been no time for me to sit down and reflect on the things I have done, nor have I had time to do the things I truly want to do.

Maybe I have been using the fact I am busy as an excuse. Maybe what is stopping me from doing what I want to do is fear. Fear.... Fear is something that is different for different people. I fear but a few things and so far I am running away from one of the things I am afraid of.

This week I have done a mixture of things so that I would not have to face my fear. I defrosted my freezer at home on Wednesday night, kickboxing on Thursday night, met with old friends for dinner and drinks on Friday night, another friends birthday on Saturday night and dinner with another friend tonight, Sunday.

No matter how busy I have been I am constantly thinking of that which I fear most... rejection from someone I like.

But for a week I will put it all behind me and disappear to Hong Kong where I will see my grandmother and pay my respects to my grandfather. Maybe when I come back I will feel different. Maybe when I come back things will have changed. Maybe when I come back nothing will have changed and I feel no different? Who knows...

Dinner in London

2007-04-18T18:54:00.000Z

On Monday night, after work, I drove in to London to meet a friend for dinner. She had cancelled on me a couple of weeks earlier due to being busy, but we managed to find an evening free for a meal.

The plan was to meet at South Kensington Station for 6.30pm and I was running about 5 minutes late so I called my friend to let her know. She said she would not be there on time either so we left it at that. I actually arrived on time and parked up on a single yellow line opposite the station. I expect my friend to be late so I sat there and waited patiently....

10 minutes passed and she still hadn't turned up. I thought nothing of it as it is quite a distance for my friend to walk although I did offer to pick her up from work, but she declined and said she wanted to enjoy the sun a bit. Anyway, another 10 minutes passed and I was beginning to get worried. But I resisted the temptation to call as I didn't want to come across too pushy!

I continued to wait... It was now 7pm and I started to think that she had changed her mind and decided to take a rain check without telling me. But again I held out and convinced myself that she was just taking her time. At 7.08pm I called... I had booked the table for 7.30pm and I needed the toilet! It turned out she had been waiting for 40minutes herself, but INSIDE the station rather than OUTSIDE! I thought she was going to call when she arrived, and she thought I would call when I arrived. We were literally less than 100m apart and both wondering when the other was going to arrive!

When we realised what had happened I drove round to where I thought she was waiting... but it turned out she was still waiting inside so I had to circle round again and called her to come out! What a start to th evening!

So... at 7.15pm we finally met up and I drove to Benihana in Chelsea where we were having dinner. Unfortunately I hadn't been there before and finding a parking place became a bit of an issue, although a bit of searching a little bit further than I preferred I found a place and we walked to the restaurant.

I had been to Benihana at Swiss Cottage before so I knew what to expect, but my friend was amazed and seemed to revel in the decor and the performances by the chefs cooking at the table. She didn't know what to choose so I made the decision for her and we both got the wagyu beef and lobster Hibachi set dinner and some sushi as a side order.

The whole atmosphere of the restaurant is very lively and although you have to sit with other guests at the table it was still very intimate at the same time. We talked, shared stories about family and friends. It was very good company and very good food. Couple that with an expert chef cooking the food in front of us it just made it a lovely evening meal and something I haven't enjoyed in such a long time. Even the bill coming in at £155.00 didn't put a dempner on things as I don't think you can put a price on good company and food.

Time passed very quickly and it seemed like the meal was over just as we got started. What made my evening was seeing the smile on my friends face which never went away. It was worth the money just to see that alone. :)

I drove her home and felt sad to say good bye as I don't know when I will see her next. But thats life... I have learnt to enjoy the moments I have and I will hold on to these memories for the future.

Thank you for having dinner with me... it was good to see you again. I hope we can meet up again soon....

Shattered...

2007-04-15T22:59:00.000Z

As expected, after stuffing our face with BBQ food my cousins and a few friends gathered for a friendly kick about at the park. there was enough for 6-a-side which was a decent number really. Under the heat of the blazing sun we battled for over an hour. Kids as young as 9 mixing it up with the likes of me... 29!

It was brilliant fun but the we definitely felt the heat kick in when we finished! The bottles of water we had were downed in seconds and we all collapsed in a heap on the grass as we tried to cool down.

Once we had recovered a little, all the cousins got together for a group photo. It's a bit of a tradition, albeit a fairly new one, but we all tried to balance ourselves on a seesaw and posed for a photo. For some reason my end hit the ground and the other end was lofted into the air...

Life can be so simple and fun sometimes... if only my body was better conditioned I wouldn't feel so shattered! Time to hit the GYM!!

Photos can be found at my imagestation.

Long 4 day week

2007-04-14T17:51:00.000Z

It might have been a 4 day week, but it has been really S L O W... The reason for this is due to many of the clients being away on holidays and also the management team at a conference in Lisbon. Leaving me and a few others behind to hold fort! Nothing to do and a girl who whinges a lot makes each day feel like a week!

Thank goodness for the weekend! By the time I get back to work on Monday everyone will be back and I won't be as bored... I hope!

Friday I decided to scoot off to London after work to meet a friend for a bite to eat and a catch up session. It was a bit of a mission though and I was quite low on petrol and reluctant to fill up. So I drove like a snail there and like a snail back. Just as I got home the petrol warning light came on! Talk about good timing!

When I got home I was quite tired, but ended up talking to my friends girlfriend for about an hour on MSN. Though we have only known each other a short time, I think we get on quite well with surprisingly similar interests! She wanted to know a bit more about her boyfriend (my friend) and I got some girly advice for my relationship issues... it was good to talk!

Today I woke up too early, 7am, so I forced myself back to sleep. Got up at 11am instead... MUCH better! And since the weather was very nice again, I washed my car and mowed the lawn. Hell, I was feeling generous I even washed my dad's car! When I had finished I felt a bit guilty for putting on weight so I had a work out session in the garden... the weather was so nice that I even got a book out to read in the sun! But rather than sitting in the sun, I walked around the garden.

Later on I will be going up to my aunt's in Essex for my cousins birthday BBQ tomorrow... should be fun! Will definitely catch some sun....

My Easter Break...

2007-04-09T17:33:00.000Z

The Easter break is almost over... it's back to work tomorrow! And I can't wait! The break has been good, but it has been far to hectic and I have spent far too much money! But all good things must come to an end...

How did it all start?

It was an early Thursday finish for once and I met up with my uncle and cousins for a burger at the new Gourmet Burger Kitchen in town. It was pretty good, but at the end of the day it was just a burger. Not exactly fine dining to shout and sing about, but worth a visit again at a later date. The rest of the evening was pretty much dead and buried after a heavy burger feast and an early night beckoned...

Friday was a lovely day and I woke up to sun shining into my eyes... TOTALLY uncalled for! But I made the most of the nice weather and mowed the lawn whilst topping up on a little bit of a tan. Since the weather was going to stay nice for the rest of the weekend I decided to wash my car for the third time in 4 weeks! And yet again I managed to walk into our garden gate! Anyway... I cleaned my car and then focused on the alloy wheels individually, making sure that I scrubbed as much brake dust away as possible! The car looked amazingly new with clean wheels! That evening I went to my uncles with my cousins and we had a kick around for about 90minutes. It was a nice little calorie burn, but I probably piled it back on again with a heavy dinner!

Saturday was an early start! Well, 9am start... I had to drive to Woking to pick up my friend and make our way to Bath. Stopping en route at the services to meet the rest of the group from London. It was a lovely drive and a lovely day! Although we didn't get to see much of the city I really enjoyed the Roman Baths and learning a bit about it's history. It is quite amazing the 'technology' they had which even today's average Joe could not reproduce! The trip to Bath was cut short for me as I had to drive my friend back to London for a birthday... I then stopped by my other friends house to play a few rounds of mah jong... which subsequently finished around 4am! I went home, and managed 30mins nap before getting up to pick up my cousin and drop him off at Guildford train station for his school trip to France. I got home around 7am and slept till 1pm.

My short sleep was woken by text messages and 'nudges' on MSN asking me to go yum cha at Heathrow followed by bowling. I duly obliged and before I knew it 7pm hit and we were back at my friends house contemplating what to do for dinner. And with the flash of a light bulb the suggestion to have a BBQ was put forward! And within the hour we had defrosted some prawns, sausages, burgers, fishball, etc... set up the BBQ and we were cooking away by 8.30pm. The weather was perfect for a BBQ and we sat around the fire, cooking, eating, talking, laughing... it was very relaxing and enjoyable until I 'cooked' my finger on a red hot BBQ fork! But I took it like a man and sucked up the pain... By now it was near to 11pm and getting a bit chilly, so we packed up and retired indoors. After a short DVD on racing and cars we left to go home to sleep.

Monday... I was shattered, but again I was awoken by a text message. After much deliberation I decided to respond. It was a friend who had nothing to do all day so I said I would join her for lunch. After putting washing into the washing machine and cleaning up my room I set off to have a 'quick' pub lunch for 3 hours! It was packed at the pub and food took nearly 90minutes to get to us! And when it arrived, it wasn't even that good! Typical really! We still managed to find time for me to buy some light bulbs for my car and also my friend found a top too... so at least we achieved something! I went home around 6pm and was winding down the weekend rush. I had some food a but later and end up napping quite a bit! After I woke up I felt a bit dazed... I tried to wake up but I was too shattered and ended up going to sleep by 9.30pm. BUT I woke up again at 4.30am! SO I forced myself to sleep before waking up to go to work.

It was a slow day. But since it was the first day back and also a Tuesday it felt good to be almost halfway through the week already! Didn't have too much to do as most customers are on holiday and the majority of our management are away in Lisbon for a partners conference. I headed off home pretty much dead on 5.30pm as I had to meet my 'service' guy to do my car's 100k miles service. He picked it up at 6pm and I was left at the take away, helping until the car was returned at 10pm. £150 lighter in the pocket but my car felt really good and tight again! There are a few niggly bits, but nothing to be too concerned with.

Tomorrow night I am going karaoke with some friends in London. Thursday is kick boxing. Friday a friend has asked me to go clubbing. Saturday I have to pick up cousin on his return from France. Sunday is up in Essex for another cousins birthday. Monday I am having dinner with a friend....

I seem to be so busy!!! I can't wait for a quiet day in now....

Hope everyone had a good Easter break... I am loving the empty roads on the way in to work! :D

Fuck it...

2007-04-06T04:51:00.000Z

You know there have been a lot of things on my mind of late. It comes mainly down to the problem of women. Everything else in my life is pretty good. I have good friends, a good job with great people and I am probably the most healthy I have been for over a decade! But I have been writing quite delicately about my feelings and it is driving my crazy. I know that I have a few frequent readers from my blog counter, and that some of you are from HK, USA, UK and around Europe. I am pretty sure I don’t know all of you but thanks for dropping by. I am happy to have people find my life of interest! So I felt I should share how I really feel...

So what is it about women? It seems like I am doing quite well in terms of getting their attention just by being myself… but yet I am still single. Strange eh? Are the girls unattractive? No… Do they have an awful personality? No… Are they young girls? No…

Basically all the girls tick the right boxes and it’s my own fear of commitment. And where does that stem from? My ex.

It has nearly been 3 years since that sad day for me. It took me 2 years to get over her. But nearly a year after I lost ‘that feeling’ for her I am still at her mercy! Do I want to get back with her? No. Does she want to get back with me? No.

My problem is how quickly she has moved on again and again from one guy to the next. Seeing her this way makes me somewhat jealous at times for her ability to suppress the feelings we once had for one another. But I am also happy for her to find someone who can make her happy too! But inevitably I am saddened when it doesn’t work out and she is left feeling hurt. I try to remove myself from her life as much as possible, but the amount of time we have known each other and the close bond we developed makes it very difficult as she is probably my best friend…

OK… so I don’t want to be with her, I have lots of possibilities with other very nice girls. Why am I complaining?

My list of girls who I am interested in…. 2 of them have boyfriends, one is a friends ex, another 3 have approached me on an online dating site and then there is one other who I really don’t know if she is joking with me or not.

WOW… that seems like a long list! I should be flattered or I should be given a big ‘wake up call’ slap! These are the girls who I talk to the most and I have been on a date with a few of them, whilst others are trying to get a date with me…

I should be so happy! They are all pretty girls with really nice personalities and they all share some similar interests with me. But, I am finding flaws in them too… *sigh*. Am I being too critical? Should I just take a chance and see what develops? It is at this point that I wonder if the next girlfriend will be the one I marry.

It’s all good and well for me to have ‘fun’ with some of these girls, but I find it very difficult because I am quite traditional when it comes to relationships. It would just not be in my nature to act in this manner. And in a sense it is not commitment that I fear. It is the fear of rejection or my own regret at choosing to be with the wrong girl and wasting my time on a partnership that would not work.

There is just nothing I can do at the moment that would make things better really… In some ways I wish I could go back to feeling the pain I was in for the 2 years after my split from my ex. At least then I knew who I loved, and I had one true focus to complete my MBA. But today I have no other worries. The only thing that would make my life complete is to find my future wife… settle down and start a family. This dream seems very unlikely at this moment in time and my own negativity towards relationships failing is not really helping. I must be doing something right, though, if I am attracting girls… even with a face like MINE!!

I think I need some time to clear my mind. And I have a great opportunity at the end of the month when I go back to HK. I will see my grandmother and spend most of my time with her as I haven’t seen her in 18months! It seems quite depressing that I have spent such little time with my grandfather when he was alive. I should cherish the moments I have left with my grandmother now. And whilst I am there I would like to climb the mountain our family village is built on and see where my father and his fathers before him lived. I might be the last of a generation that will really care about family history and it would be something I like to preserve in my mind.

Just going back to relationships… I realised that there are probably many people who we are compatible with and could quite happily spend the rest of our lives with too. But it is the timing that is critical. I know that if I had met my ex at a later stage in life I think we would be married. Then there are girls who might be even better for me than my ex who appeared during my 2 years of sadness that I wasn’t ready for. The timing of who we meet makes a big difference on who are partners will be. I guess what is most important is that I find the right girl at the right time. The girl may have already appeared, but is it the right time for me and for her too?

Something about me..

2007-04-02T21:56:00.000Z

I should tell you a bit about myself. I am very clumsy! I am constantly hurting and injuring myself on a regular basis.

Today I managed to hurt myself walking into the corner of a wall whilst going into the office for work. Basically I smacked my knuckle into the corner and its bruised. Later on this evening I managed to stub 3 toes in one go on an exercise bike! And if that isn't enough to demonstrate my clumsiness, I hurt myself each time I washed my car on the last 3 occasions! And each time it was on the side gate. I elbowed the brick wall once whilst trying to take a photo. I 'shouldered' the wall as I was walking through and the most recent time I avoided the wall by walking into the metal bolt on the steel gate!

Other minor things like cutting myself shaving one morning, closing the door of my car before my foot is fully inside and cutting my finger whilst slicing tomatoes. These are all things that have occurred in the last 7 days!

I think I will start an injury log alongside my blog. Just to keep count of how much of a danger I am to myself! I will be able to see just how clumsy I really am!

Vegetarian debate and hitting targets...

2007-03-31T09:59:00.000Z

Is this a vegetable?

My cousin who is 19 in the summer has been a vegetarian for nearly 2 years. The other night we were having dinner with family and relatives when a dish arrived and he was offered some... oysters. In a Chinese tradition, oysters are classified as a vegetarian food. But in the western world it is a meat.

At this point I started to ask him what he would and would not eat. He said he would not eat meat. Fair comment coming from a vegetarian and one that is quite correct. However this statement is based solely on the basis of the way western world has labelled different foods and placed them into categories. My cousin is 100% against eating meat but I argued that meat is just a word. A word that has been used by humans to describe things of a similar structure. So in this world an oyster is a meat, but in a Chinese society an oyster is a non-meat food.

So are vegetarians just avoiding meat? Yes... so does that mean if we relabelled our beef, chicken, pork and lamb into vegetable classifications then vegetarians will eat them too? My cousin then argued that he only eats 'primary' food source. Vegetation from when the world began. But then I questioned why he ate eggs and cheese and milk which are not primary food sources.

I have come to my own conclusion that humans have too many issues in the written and spoken language which can give rise to many problems in communications. We all do what we choose and we have to try to justify it with words that do not and can not explain what we really feel to another person. In most cases actions are louder and clearer than words.

********************

He shoots, he scores!

One of my long term targets was achieved on 29th March 2007. I attended my MBA graduation ceremony. I would say it was 3-4 years from when I first considered doing the MBA to completion. It seemed somewhat surreal but I really felt I had finally acheived something of my own through my own hard work.

This was followed the next day by smashing through my target set at work which meant I will be getting a bonus next month! Although I cannot stake a claim to doing this by myself, I do know that my contribution to the team effort was significant and I can see how the way different people work achieve different results too.

As long as we set ourselves a target we normally achieve it. Our targets have to be clear and attainable and we have to believe in ourselves. I feel as though I am comfortable in setting myself a goal and getting there in the end.

On that note I am off to complete the next goal I set myself... finding a wife! Only joking... It's a Saturday morning and the weather is great.. I am off to wash my car. It deserves a good clean after its 100,000mile mark....

100,000 miles later...

2007-03-29T19:29:00.000Z

19th July 2002 I started my relationship with my car... Honda Civic Type R. At that moment in life I was inbetween work. Just having finished from Carphone Warehouse and about to start a new job in Bedfordshire. I was in a fairly serious relationship. I had no particular plans and lived each day as it came.

100,000 miles later I have just attended my MBA graduation ceremony. I am in a stable job. I have a couple of properties but I am single. But we all know that... *yawns* I want to talk about where my 100,000 miles have come from.

To begin with I did very little mileage in my car as my new job provided me with a company car so the only time I had to drive my Civic was over the weekend. For a few months this was fine, but I wanted to drive my car more and the company I worked for offered me a car allowance and petrol costs if I returned the company car and used my own. I said yes and the mileage started to increase!

I racked up a lot of miles travelling to and from client sites, going home, visiting my girlfriend and friends. I also got my first speeding ticket in many years when I was driving to collect the keys to my first house. 37mph in a 30mph zone... it wasn't excessive, but I was speeding.

I left Bedford after 18months and rented out the house. It was at this moment that I tried to set up my own company and business which was not very successful as the uptake was slow and I could not progress further without funds.

In the end (Nov 2003) I worked for my dad at his newly purchased restaurant on a full time basis and that meant a 60mile daily commute along with a weekly drive to London to see my girlfriend. This went on for about 6 months. After that my relationship ended and I was going out to London less. In fact I was pretty much doing nothing except staying in. There were odd trips to London to see friends, but not so frequent. This coincided with starting a new job in a software development company.

Another 6 months passed and suddenly I found myself working at Carphone Warehouse again and playing football for a team in Birmingham! Weekly drives up were not unknown... even as far as Manchester for a match! I was doing nearly 500miles a week at time... and always over 400miles per week!

It wasn't until I started my MBA that I slowed down my mileage. There was no time for me to go out. I could not afford to pay for petrol... It was a difficult time to be social. During this time I was close to 80,000miles. and it has taken me 18 months to do the final 20,000 which is almost unheard of for me!

Other than the daily drives and trips to Birmingham there have been a few significant and memorable drives...

One that springs to mind is the round trip from Basingstoke to Bristol to Birmingham to Manchester to Birmingham to Basingstoke to Bristol to Basingstoke all in the space of 30 hours! a good 800miles!

Another from Bedford to Leeds to Basingstoke in 6 hours.

Basingstoke to Bristol to Cardiff to Taunton to Basingstoke.

Basingstoke to Kent to London to Kent to Basingstoke.

Other single trips to Worthing, Brighton, Bournemouth, Stansted, Alton Towers, Old Trafford, Manchester Airport....

This car has been places with me and it has been the most reliable to date. I have only ever had to replace tyres, brakes, bulbs and the clutch. Never had a mechanical fault nor has it ever broken down (touch wood).

I think it will be amazing if I manage to reach 200,000 miles... but then I will probably have sold it by then. That will be a very sad day for me...

100,000miles gone. I have my MBA, a career and a couple of properties. What will another 100,000miles bring?

Holding back my words...

2007-03-25T03:17:00.000Z

It's been a week since I last updated my blog. I have been meaning to write something almost every night but I found it difficult to write down what I wanted to say.

Work is picking up with the end of the quarter next Friday. Our team has been set a target of $230K of renewal orders for this week so that we may earn a bonus. I managed to pick up $70k last week so hopefull between 3 of us we can each bring $80k! I need the money after a heavy month of spending!

I have been kept pretty busy by my friends during the weekdays with random last minute get togethers twice in a week! I also met up with a cousin I hadn't talked to in many years even though we are only a 10minute drive apart. It's amazing how time passes by without you knowing. We talked for hours looking back at the silly things we used to do when we were younger... 20 years ago in some cases! It's nice to find out what has been happening...

My success with women is somewhat positive, but I feel a bit uncertain about things to be honest. I am flattered that a couple of girls are very keen to get a date with me... I am a bit overwhelmed really. I hate the feeling of knowing more than one person likes me. I feel really guilty for letting any one of them down. But I am also very much a one girl guy. In fact I am so anal with my principles I will probably just not date any of them just so I won't feel guilty rather than choose someone I like more and make the other feel saddeded or rejected. There are a few other girls who are in the picture too...

For a guy like me who has been in 2 serious relationships, one lasting a year and the other for 6 years, I am not used to being so popular with the ladies. I sound big headed now, and to be honest I probably am just lying to myself to make myself feel good. The truth is I really don't know how these girls feel about me. I am happy that they enjoy talking to me and even wanting to spend time with me, but I really am confused as to where I stand with them. Have I got to play my cards before they play theirs?

Anyway... enough about my imaginative love life!

Today I went on my friend's stag do (he's marrying my cousin). I left the house at 10am and I got back just before 4am (18hours!). We started the day with a country drive to Aylesbury where we had clay pigeon shooting and quad biking. The sun was shining and the air was warm... until we reached the farm where this all took place. Then the wind picked up, the clouds appeared and we were freezing! But the day was great fun! I managed to hit 29/46 clay pigeons which I was pretty chuffed with. And quad biking was also really good, though it would have been even better had it been a bit warmer. When the event finished we all headed back to get cleaned up and ready for the evening...

The evening part took place in Reading where we had a meal at a nice Italian restaurant and then we tried to make our way to the bars. None of them appreciated 24 guys trying to get into one place. In the end we had to split into 6-7 groups and managed to wander our way into Walkabout. Some drinks and cheesy music as well as some power ballads later we tried again to find a pub that would take us in... alas none were receptive! SOOO as a last resort *rolleyes* we RELUCTANYLY went to the strip bar. I have been to a ones in London before and I wasn't very impressed. But this time it was really good. The girls are much more friendly and more like real people. And to be honest they were mostly better looking too! My younger cousins of 18-20 loved it and I bought them a dance each. I shouldn't go into too much detail as the bride might end up reading this so I will just say that the stag was very well behaved and did not get into trouble or anything bad!

In a way my week has been pretty good and lots of positives to take, but I have knack of adding a pinch of negativity into things. It's not that I don't want to be happy, but I just know the happier I get the sadder I feel when things eventually don't end the way I wanted it to. I remain reserved in my judgement until things are 100%... which, at this rate, I really can't imagine when that will be!

BUT I do have some good news for next week as I will be attending my graduation ceremony for my MBA. This time last year I was stressing over coursework whilst trying to prepare for exams and feeling rather depressed in seeing my cousins buying their own place with their partners whereas I was lonely and single and stressed and tired. It was not a good patch last year.... but 12 months on I have 2 properties, got my MBA, in a decent job and getting popular with the girls (or so I think anyway!).

I wonder where I will be in another 12 months time?

Written and deleted...

2007-03-20T01:33:00.000Z

I just deleted a long blog I wrote... I feel better to have written it down, but I am afraid to share it with the world. It's about two people.

So much to say, so little words...

2007-03-18T19:17:00.000Z

I tend to write a lot in my blogs... but what am I trying to say?

This week I have applied a mental block and applied myself to many things to take my mind off my emotions and feelings. The physical pain of kick boxing and conditioning work has made my abs ache for 2 days and has helped reduce my emotional stress (plus rock hard abs are cool!).

Last night I spent 10 hours out in London celebrating two friend's birthday one after another and I really had a laugh and also bumped into some old friends. But then I was a bit shocked to find a message on one of my 'network' websites. I was quite taken aback but was happy too. It was a short and sweet message... thank you.

Some things are difficult to put to words and this is one of those things...

Mixed emotions...

2007-03-13T21:10:00.000Z

Recently I have been having bouts of depression. It's not been good as I have been pushing people I love and care about away. I get easily agitated and find myself more of a recluse. It's like a knee-jerk reaction with me. The moment things seem to head south I start to push people away... especially the people I don't want to push away. I am such a weirdo sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me!

The other week I was pretty much over the moon with my 'date' and was generally feeling quite elated. We are still talking on a daily basis but events in between have caused me to doubt and question. On one hand I think she is great, but on another I fear I am being played. Hey, it wouldn't be the first time so it's no big deal, plus it's not like we have taken it any further. But having been alone for nearly 3 years and getting to an age where marriage is constantly on the tip of my relatives tongue it is difficult not to seek out someone for a serious relationship.

Is it really that hard to find someone to share my life with? Honestly speaking... No. I may come across arrogant and big headed but I think I am a decent guy with decent qualities. And really I'm not short on offers if I just pressed a little further with some of the girls... who knows? I may not be the best looking guy in the world, but I am honest and caring. I may not be mega rich, but I am financially secure for the rest of my life. I may not be as spontaneous as others, but I am thoughtful and romantic. So why am I single....

But, in my opinion, why pursue something that is not my ideal? It wouldn't be fair on me and it definitely wouldn't be fair on the girl. I would much rather stay single and not mess with people's emotion than to end up in a relationship I regret. I have met quite a few nice girls recently and they all possess certain qualities I really find attractive. Is that enough though? Am I just being too picky and trying too hard?

This has been dragged up due to falling for someone. But which one?! It has been so long since I have had these feelings that I am slightly confused as to what I am truly feeling. Girls are very confusing creatures!

I feel as though I want to leave this place and get some time alone in a foreign country and just absorbing the sights and sound that nature offers. To have some inner peace to clarify how I feel and determine which girl I truly want to pursue and make something of. Maybe it's not a girl I have met yet... maybe it is. I don't know.

The easiest thing to do is to walk away and not have to face the issues I am encountering. I know is seems cowardly, but I really hate playing games when it comes to relationships. Open and honesty are the main qualities I look for. Everything else I can learn to love or accept when I have found the 'one'.

Why must my happiness always be followed by moments of sadness? Hopefully, one day I will not have to express such mixed emotions....

Camaraderie

2007-03-12T00:16:00.000Z

Just a word, but this work brings back memories. Some very good memories. It takes me back to a time when I was playing rugby with my friends at college. Friends I had known since I was 11 and friends that grew up together as a unit. For 7 years a group of us played rugby together, year in year out.

It is times like those that I really miss sometimes. But today I relived for a short moment that same feeling I once had. Today I was in London playing in a football tournament near Liverpool St. It was organised by some Thai organisation for oriental teams. My friend called me and asked if I would play and I said yes.

Our team, Boston Manor Concrete FC, was on of 16 teams in the competition. Why the name? Well, out team organiser trains there with his regular team. I actually only knew 2 of the guys who we in our team and met the other 5 players when I arrived. The other guys had never played together before either so we were very much a mismatched team with no idea of what to expect or how well each of us could play.

Anyway, the competition started and we were one of the first teams on. We were losing 2-0 by half time before I came on as a rolling sub, but we still ended up losing 3-0. It was a real shock and disappointment, but we got a feel of how to play for our remaining two matches which we had to win to progress to the quarter finals.

The second game I sat out as I was actually injured from kick boxing on Thursday night. A pulled calf muscle meant running wasn’t easy! The team did really well and we played our tactic of having one upfront at all times pulled off and we won 3-1. We had a glimmer of hope and suddenly a group of individuals who barely knew each other had developed a certain bond and self belief. It was that feeling that reminded me of my rugby days, especially when we used to play in Sevens tournaments which lasted a who day with a similar format.

In out last group match a few of the guys were quite worn out and I played in the final match. My role for the team was back up keeper or else I was in defence as the sweeper. I’m not exactly a small guy and I don’t shy from challenges and I literally threw my body into tackles if necessary, although, on hindsight (and feeling the pain) I do regret it somewhat! We won the last group match 2-1 and we were through to the quarter finals! From having no expectations, we were looking to push ourselves to go further!

We looked around at the other teams playing to eye up the competition and there were some very impressive teams out there! When our quarter final match up, I was sat out for the first half. We lost some silly goals, but we were also getting outplayed, but I felt the score of 5-0 was a bit unfair on us. I came on in the second half and used my physical size to push the other team around. Grazed the whole of my left shin from sliding in for the ball, cuts on the right calf and knee from random contact and blocked a few shots with any part of my body I could get in the way! In the end we scored a couple of consolation goals, but we were knocked out 7-2.

Although we were disappointed, we had a great time as a team and there is very little that can compare to a good team spirit, trust and belief in each other. If we can apply the same team camaraderie in our working life or daily life we would be much more successful in everything that we do. Anyway, we were knocked out and we packed up our things and said our good byes to some of the teams and friends who were still in the competition. Our team went our separate ways, but we are looking forward to playing together again at some point in the future. Thanks guys for a great day! I was proud of what we accomplished and I’m sure we ca improve in future performances.

I know I will feel the aches and pains of my reckless playing style tomorrow, but I am quite competitive in physical sports, and though I will hurt people with my challenges, I do not wish them harm and I am always making sure the other player is ok. However, I won’t back off from a 50-50 ball. Honestly speaking I think I could be quite a good player if only I could improve my fitness level to something close to my prime. Time to hit the road and do some RUNNING!!

What do I do in my spare time?

2007-03-09T23:21:00.000Z

A constant question I find difficult to answer off the top of my head. I am drawn to say I do kick boxing once a week and I go to the driving range and whack a few golf balls. But that takes up about 4 hours a week! What do I do in the time in between?

Work and sleep aside I have about 70 hours of time to do as I like. 40 hours during the week and 30 over the weekend. For the weekend I find I am constantly doing something due to someone inviting my out, a family gathering or just meeting up with friends. It is the 40 hours during the week that I find a real waste of time.

I actually spend a lot of time on the internet not acheiving much other than catching up on some of the TV shows I follow (Heroes and Prison Break). I talk to some friends on MSN some times. I check emails and I write my blog. So when people ask me what I do I really am stuck for an interesting hobby to discuss.

The reality is I like thinking. I love to think and wonder. Sometimes it is to reflect on my past. Sometimes its about someone. Sometimes its about my future. Regardless of the topic in mind, I really like to think. I have also developed a liking to write things in my blog. I don't often write daily because I like to ponder my thoughts before writing them down which is why my previous blog was all over the place!

I also like to look out into the sky at night. The benefit of living in an isolated village is the uninterrupted light from the stars and the moon. Sometimes I open my window and gaze into the sky, feeling a light breeze against my face. It is very relaxing and inspiring to me.

Another thing I really enjoy is my drive to work and back home every day to and from work. Every day I drive through nature and I see so many wonderful sights of horses, sheep, cows all grazing in cast open fields, sometimes right up against the fence only a few metres away from the road.

Are these normal for a 29 year old to enjoy? What is normal anyway? So I don't like to club and I don't drink or smoke. I sometimes wonder what kind of life I actaully lead! Everything is so settled and theres nothing to bring me away from this monotony.

So if you want to know what I do... I like to think and write, but I also like to exercise! I think I NEED to exercise... it keeps me sane!

Time

2007-03-09T00:23:00.000Z

Time... what is it? What does each second, each minute, each hour, each day, week, month, year mean?

I have found time to be both a great asset and also the cause of much pain. Time is but a series of events that can be related to our past. If we were to sit in an enclosed space time would have no meaning other than how long our patience can take it. I guess those with a pure mind and without love or hatred, without greed or jealousy, without anger or fear would be able to remain there forever. But the point is that this person will still age and die.

For my short lifetime I have experienced a lot of time passing me by. Lots of events which leave deep scars in my mind. Sometimes a second can last a year, but a day can pass in the blink of an eye.

Looking back at some of my memories I can clearly remember one of my first days at a new school. I was not a small boy at the age of 7 and whilst messing around in the playground I fell over and cut my knee. I burst into tears. Then another boy comes up to me and asks me why I am crying? I showed him my cut and he said that it was nothing and he didn't cry when he cut his knee. This boy was so much smaller than me! I looked at him and instantly stopped crying. From that day forward I have learnt to accept any pain and take it like a man. It is one of the most significant moments in my life.

Later on in my teenage years I had a crush on a girl I saw on holiday with my parents. Note I said 'saw' because I didn't even have the guts to talk to her! I just stayed back in the background. When I was back in the UK and the photos of the hoidays were developed I scanned them for a photo of that girl... There was nothing I could do now. It was my first feeling of heartache.

Time has provided me with much more pain and sorrow than happiness that I can remember. But then we are oblivious to the times that we are truely happy because we do not appreciate it when it is there in front of us. So maybe I have had some great times, but I have not treasured them...

One period in my life when time felt like it was standing still was the time I had an operation on my knee. Looking back I don't know how I coped, but it also seemed so quick too. I spent a solid 7 days hospitalised. The operation on my knee, as some people know, was to repair a cruciate ligament where a bit of tendon had to be cut from the top of my knee and grafted on as a replacement ligament.

Immediately after the operation I lost a lot of blood and there was a 6 inch cut at the front of my knee. But as part of the operation I had to mobilse my knee as soon as possible to aid the healing process. My leg was strapped to a machine which straightened and bent my knee a little at a time. This was strapped on for 7 days, 24 hours per day. I slept with it on... it was so uncomfortable. Time passed slowly....

Why am I looking at time in such a way? Well, the few days that has passed since my 'date' I feel a little down. the moment lasted but a few seconds, but to me it was a moment frozen in time. For those few seconds my thoughts were running wild and I didn't know what to think.

Time is such a strange thing that we are constantly measuring ourselves against, but why? It is the moments that really matter that we neglect. It is the times we should be appreciating that we take for granted. But during times of sorrow we hold on to these feelings for a long time.

I cannot control time or my perception of time, but maybe I can take control of what I want to experience in my short life. I just need to get up and fight for it... I know what to do. But will I do it?

You know what... I'm not totally sure about what I have written because I am in a 'funny' mood. I don't know if anyone will make sense of anything I say... I wish I had a greater grasp of words. Something I am sure I will learn in TIME....

Day off...

2007-03-06T22:30:00.000Z

Yesterday I had a day off. It was planned and I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks now and it seems strange that it arrived so soon! The simple fact is that I was meeting a girl. I have been talking to her for a while now and we get on pretty well if a little sparodic.

Anyway... I think I made myself quite clear how I felt about her. I had only met her a couple of times before although we have been talking for over 2 months now. And to be honest the first time I saw her she didn't blow me away with her looks... but its amazing how a personality can change that and she now looks like the most beautiful girl in the world!

It was our first 'date' if you will and I made some effort! Well, I think so! I knew I was in trouble when I was spending hours deciding what to wear the night before and ended up with only 4 hours sleep! I only got 4 hours sleep because I had to get up early and make her a hot lemon and honey drink which I carried to her in a thermos to keep hot. I also had to go out to buy some flowers and fill up with petrol.

The drive to her house was scenic and quite pleasant with the sun beaming down. It was an 85 mile drive which seemed to be over pretty quickly on hindsight. Once I picked her up I gave her the flowers and the lemon and honey drink as well as a couple of hand warmers for her to take to work and back...

Obviously thats just the beginning... We then went to Bluewater where I had paid for a "Soothing body massage for women" which was an hour long. She was shocked but 'reluctantly' enjoyed it! And whilst she was getting her massage I went to the Bear Factory and made her a teddy bear. I hid it in the car so it was a little surprise for her later! ;)

We then had lunch and just spent some time talking and getting to know each other. We didn't actually do much shopping at all! But time passed pretty quickly, I guess it always does when you are having fun. We had a coffee and talked about nearly everything. We shared moments of laughter as well as some time talking about more 'grown up' issues.

Before we knew it it was getting late and dinner was beckoning. I took the liberty of choosing where to eat as my 'date' was quite undecided! I was originally going for something quite sophisticated and romantic, but I thought it would be a bit too much for a first 'date' so I choose a cosy little British restaurant with a more lively and cosy feel. It was a nice dinner, nothing too fancy and nothing to OTT.

The end of the evening was drawing near and it was time to take my 'date'home. I was quite sad knowing the night was going to end... I drove quite slowly, stretching the last hour or so, knowing that the next time we meet might be quite a while due to some circumstances out of our control... Inevitably her home loomed up large and before I knew it we were outside her door. It was raining so, being the gentleman I am, I walked her to the front door with my umbrella. We hugged and I left.

The drive home was not so pleasant. It was raining hard and it was windly. Passing lorries was a challenge with water spraying heavily, obscuring my vision. It was quite respresentative of how I felt. It was dreary and depressing with no end in sight. It was a far cry from just a couple of ours earlier where even 30mph felt like I was driving too fast and getting to her front door too quickly!

So now what. I got home, I called to tell her I was safe and sound. What do I do now? What should I do now?:It has been so long since I have felt this way...

That was my day off. It has possibly been the happiest I have felt in many years. Thank you for spending the day with me (even though you may never read this!).

Long lost friends and acquaintances...

2007-03-03T13:58:00.000Z

This week has seen a few changes made at work. Firstly I signed my permanent contract and I am now a full time member of staff! So at least I am in a stable state of employment now! Along with this came a change in my job role... where I was previously looking after lapsed accounts I have now been given accounts of my own to manage and co-ordinate. Just trying to settle into the new role and introduce myself to the partners this week...

Anyway, back to the title of this entry. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it seems to be never ending! What am I talking about? Well, in the last few days I have discovered that some of the people I work with went to the same school as me. It all started with an introductory email company wide. And one of my colleagues realised I went to school with Johnny Wilkinson, which he also attended many years before us! And whilst we were discussing our stories over a boiling kettle a girl from marketing overhears and says her brother was at the same school! It was a guy from my brothers year and she knew my brother! It's a small world indeed.

But that wasn't the end of it... today I got up to wash and hoover my car. Something I haven't had the chance to do for ages and something I really enjoy! Well, as I was washing my car, my neighbour walks past and stops for a quick chat. Now I don't often bump into them as I am either at work or indoors. But he initiated the conversation and asked me in I knew someone... this person who he works with was actually one of my close friends from the same school as I mentioned! It was rather bizarre to find my neighbour is a work colleague of my school friend!

As most people know, I haven't had much of a social life for nearly two years due to MBA commitments and a more focus approach to work. And due to this there I have lost contact with many friends. But from out of the blue I was contacted on MSN by a couple of friends I hadn't spoken to in a while and then I was called by another couple of friends last night! There were motives behind their calls, but none the less I felt quite 'warm' inside to be someone that they turn to... and at the very least I have left behind a memory in their mind of me!

Going back to my limited social life. I say limited because I have been going out somewhat, but not frequently. And more often than not it has been due to invites from friends and family. I, myself, have not arranged anything social, other than the odd lunch/dinner with friends, since my birthday last year. In fact I hate to admit it but I seem to 'hang out' with my parents and their friends more and more these days!

I used to be very fidgety and always looking for something to do. But recently I am happy to sit at home and do nothing. If no one invites me to anything I won't exactly go out seeking things to do either. It just seems my life has gotten dull recently... if not in other peoples eyes, but in mine. yes I go kick boxing and to the driving range, but thats about it. This weekend, as with most weekends my time is being given to family and friends. Except for Monday which I made an effort to take a day off to go out with a friend.

Well, I guess the next time I will be arranging anything it will be for my 30th birthday a little under 5 months away. Time really flies when you get a into the late 20s! But what I have realised is that there are still people who I haven't seen of heard from in over 10 years that still remember me. Did I leave a lasting impression back then with more people? Will some of my friends of today still remember me in 10 years time if we were to never see or talk again? Does it really matter?

We cannot live forever, but our actions can be remembered for a long long time. Whether it is good or bad, it's up to you.

Weekend of eating and singing?!... 2 days of work

2007-02-28T01:50:00.000Z

I had another busy weekend. It's not something I plan for but it just happens.

On Saturday I met up with some friends for a greasy fry up for lunch! Something we do once a month just to catch up, but this time I had to help my recently made redundant friend to write his CV. It's quite challenging to write a CV for someone as you do not know their experience in depth and this was made more difficult when my friend could not provide anything positive to say about his last two jobs! But we did what we could and dressed it up without too many white lies...

Afterwards I went round to my uncles where I stuffed my face with salmon sashimi! I also played a couple of hands of poker with my cousins and trained a little on my arms. It was a bit of a big gathering actually with many friends of the family visiting too. Late on in the evening the karaoke machine was turned on and we spent the rest of the evening shouting out power ballads and losing our voices! It was great fun! From my 7 year old cousin through to her 40 year old dad... we belted out some classics! LOL

Sunday was much more laid back. It was spent round my friends house where we were celebrating his son's one month birthday. All I did was eat and watch TV. It was nice to see some old faces too and it's quite amazing how my friends of nearly 10 years are now fathers! I wonder when my time will come....

The weekend came to an end and I have been back at work for 2 days now. Monday was a fresh start with a new manager. It is going pretty well with more direction and focus. However today was a nightmare! And it started off so well! In fact I have been pretty happy at work for one and a half days just from talking on MSN to a friend... But like I said, it all came tumbling down today. For some unknown reason I lost the ability to update information on the company database! It just meant I could not do ANY work!! Really pissed me off and it's amazing how quickly you can fall downwards in a destructive cycle! Fortunately the database 'fixed' itself and I left the office knowing I can go back to work without any issues the next day!

I have next Monday off to meet a friend.... should be fun (or interesting at least!).

Been a busy week...

2007-02-23T00:45:00.000Z

After recovering from my bout of flu in record timing I was back at work and in full swing. This week has been particularly busy with the celebration of Chinese New Year, meeting an old uni friend and also a friends birthday. Not to mention my ritual kick boxing!

But it's a good thing. The quicker the week passes the quicker I am into the weekend which promises to be even more packed! Firstly I NEED a haircut! I actually wanted it done last week, had I not been ill! Then I am booked up all Saturday working on my friends CV after he was made redundant last week! And then in the evening I will be round my uncle's house for dinner. And Sunday it is rounf my friend's house to celebtate his son's one month birthday. I don't even have time to breathe!

So what else have I had time to think about this week? Seeing that it is Chinese New Year I have been thinking about tradition. I find it very comforting that for my entire life our family has been very close. More on my mum's side of the family than my dad's. Nothings perfect in this world. But to have such close relatives and for all the cousins from my age down to a 7 year old to get on so well I am very grateful.

The tradition in our family for most celebrations and events throughout the year revolves around eating and talking followed by many rounds of mah jong for the oldies, whilst us younger family members are usually going out to play snooker, chatting or more recently, playing a couple of rounds of mah jong ourselves.

It has not been like this as the uncles and aunts were all pretty much working hard during the early periods of life. It is only in the last 10 years that we have really come together as a family and been able to enjoy life without the pressure of work. I guess it is down to the children growing up and relying less and less on the parents.

It won't be long now before my generation of cousins start families of their own with my cousin getting married in May and another planned for next year. It is exciting times and our family is due to grow again! At the moment it takes a mini car park to accomodate the cars needed to transport all the relatives to a restaurant and it won't be long before a family get together requires the booking out of an entire restaurant!

Anyway... I hope everyone had a wonderful time celebrating Chinese New Year with their family and friends and may this year bring everyone all that they want through hard work and laugher.

Feeling bad....

2007-02-19T02:22:00.000Z

What goes up must come down....

From feeling great I have fallen victim to the bug that has been floating around recently. Knocked me out for nearly 2 days but luckily I seem to have a fast recovery rate. I woke up feeling shitty on Friday morning and by the afternoon I was knocked out. Over 30 hours spent sleeping, only waking up to take some medicine, by Saturday night I was feeling a lot better. But I did lose 5kg in weight!

It's only when you can compare the tough times with the good that you truly appreciate how good the good things are. I think, as people, we are always seeking to be happy when that is not possible. We look at the difficult times and question why we have to put up with it. Everything is relative. The good must come with the bad. We just have to be patient during the tough times and enjoy the good times when they arrive....

Being good

2007-02-15T22:48:00.000Z

From my last blog of telling you how good I feel, I think it should be noted that it comes down to being good.

To kick things off I stopped smoking at the beginning of the year. On hindsight it's strange that I was ever compelled to smoke in the first place. It is such a distant memory that it requires thought to realise I used to smoke!

Secondly I have maintained a consistent regime of exercise comprising of kick boxing, going to the driving range and a bit of weight training at home. I am now looking to join a gym to increase my work out and regain some fitness that I once possessed! In terms of sleep I seem to be coping pretty well on 5-6 hours per night during the week days and having a full 8 hours over the weekends.

Finally, I have been lucky to find myself in a job where the people I work with are great. The work itself is very much within my capabilities and I could even take on more responsibilities really. And I find myself wanting to wake up every day and looking forward to going in to work!

This positivity has led me to being a lot happier than I have been before... and of course there has been some external help too! Which brings me back to the subject of being good. So I am being good to myself for once and looking to put myself first!

But then I was talking to the my not so familar friend, who I have only really seen twice and talked a bit online, and she said that I was a nice bloke. Obviously flattered, but also concerned that a girl can believe a guy is nice on the basis of two meetings... of limited time too! I wonder sometimes if it is possible to 'see' good in a person? Am I that different to anyone else? I tell people that I do good things, but how do they know if I am lying or not?

The people who read this and know me, also know I am not a liar and I do try to be nice to people. Sometimes to a point that my close friends feel I get used. And not in a good way! LOL But then I am not too bothered, those who are users will ultimately expose their flaws and I probably won't be seeing them very often... if at all. At the end of the day, what do I lose for being nice to strangers a couple of times? I get to find out their personalities, I spend a bit of money.... maybe on food, maybe on travelling or maybe I lose some time... but after that I know exactly what kind of person this new 'friend' is. I think it is a sacrifice worth giving. Don't you?

So.... I guess that being good to myself and to others is making me a happier person. I recommend that you try it and see how you feel....

Feeling good

2007-02-10T02:50:00.000Z

For the past month or so I have been feeling pretty good! I was quite surprised and really didn't notice it until someone asked me how I was. And I replied that I felt great!

Now it's a late Friday night and early Saturday morning and I have been awake for 19 hours! But I still feel great. Maybe it's because I haven't smoked for over a month now. Maybe it's because I feel great from kickboxing last night. I really cannot pinpoint it.... but I really did enjoy and have been enjoying kickboxing a lot recently. I find I am getting pounded quite a bit as I am a bit violent...in a controlled manner of course.... and getting hit a lot, but also landing a few shots of my own. I can feel the pain in places where I have been hit although there's no physical evidence to show for it!

Other than living a healthy lifestyle now, there is one other factor that might be the cause for this feeling of contentment and satisfaction... a person... more specifically a girl. OK.... nothings happened and somethings might never happen, but she has made me feel things I have not felt in a long long time! The quickening of my hearteat when her name pops up on MSN. The excitement of seeing an email sent by her. The tingle in my ear as I hear her voice on the phone.

Admittedly this may be very one directional, and the fact there are 'complications', and I may be making a fool of myself... but hey! Who cares? I haven't felt this good in such a long time I'm not going to be bothered by what people have to say. I guess I have to look back at my previous entry and remain patient. I've been single for over 2 years now... I can wait a bit longer... I think?!

Anyway... moving on! Work is going quite well. I am getting to understand the company a lot better in terms of strategy and hierarchy. My work load is very manageable and quite pressurised too at times. Having to work in between 6 different time zones can be a challenge, but I enjoy it at times.

Within the family, my dad went in for a minor operation on his right shoulder. He had an 'aching' pain inside and the doctor performed arthroscopic surgery on him to alleviate the pain. He is now back at home and has made a good recovery so far. As will pretty much all operations around joints, there will be a requirement to undergo physiotherapy to ease the shoulder into motion again.

This year has been pretty good so far and it has been down to a number of things that I can physically see or do. But I think the main change is in my mind. Where I used to be very impatient and often looked for the 'short cuts' I am now enjoying my time and I find that time passes even quicker when I am being more patient. Weeks are flying by and I do not look too far forward now. I just try to live each day being happy and getting things done.

Life is quite simple really... it's all in our head the way we feel. We have a choice of how we want to feel and we know what we need to do to make ourselves feel a certain way. It's just a case of doing it.....

Arghhh..... and a long weekend

2007-02-05T22:03:00.000Z

For the last 4 days I have been in pain. My back is aching, my neck hurts and it pains me to eat due to an inch long ulcer along my bottom lip. Why am I in such pain? Kickboxing!

It's probably my fault really. I had been sleeping very little prior to training and I was lethargic even before we started the class. I thought that once I had warmed up and got into full flow I would be ok, but I was shattered throughout! Even the warm up near enough wiped me out! But the worse part was when we started to spar. That was when the tiredness really came out and I could barely defend myself, hence an inch long ulcer from a cut after being punched in the mouth.

But I also managed to dish out a little pain myself too! I was about to be selfish and just take, take, take! I landed a few good punches and a decent kick into someone's ribs! That was Thursday night... and I was also surprised with an exchange of text messages throughout the night! And though I wanted to go to sleep early, I ended up on the phone to m friend for an hour!

Friday was very uneventful as I was in extreme pain and I really couldn't be arsed to do anything strenuous. I had a pretty quiet night in and just rested.

Saturday and Sunday were the busy days! And for those two days the only time I was really at home was when I was sleeping!

Saturday I took my dad to Hampshire Clinic where he is due to have arthroscopic surgery on his shoulder next week... followed by taking his car into Mercedes after his battery warning light came on. That was most of the morning over followed by loading some furniture into my car to take round to my uncle and celebrating my cousins 13th birthday AGAIN! The night ended after popping by a friends house to watch a DVD and by then it was 3am... by the time I got home and into bed it was past 4am...

Sunday I was up by 10am to go out to London to meet a friend for yum cha. The strangest thing happened on my drive when another friend I hadn't seen for a long time overtook me and waved! I met up with him and his wife and daughter briefly. One year olds are really cute! LOL

Anyway, I went to meet my friend for yum cha, did some baby clothes shopping for my other friends newborn son and then had some ice cream. I tried to get some sushi, but failed and my friends left to go home. I wandered around London trying to kill some time before meeting some other friends for a belated birthday dinner... but it was worth is as I haven't seen them in a long time and just had a good catching up session.

On my way home I dropped by my friends house and gave him the baby clothes. Stayed chatting to him for a few hours and finally got home around 1.30am! Slept for about 4-5 hours and then woke up to go to work....

Why do I punish myself so much!?!?

I guess I can still live with it now.... might as well put up with it whilst my body can still take it eh?

No pain, no gain....

29 Now and then.... Patience.... Babies...

2007-01-31T23:10:00.000Z

Many of us are constantly thinking about our own lives and what we do with it. We reflect and we react. I also think about what I have done in 29 years of living (well, its actually my 30th year alive) and compare myself to my peers. Although I know I am in a better position than most, I also feel I could have done more. I SHOULD have done more.

When my dad was 29 he had been narried for 4 years and a father to me for 2 years. He owned and ran his own business for 5 years. He had his own house and a car (Mercedes no less). And he was to become a father again very shortly to my younger brother. My father had arrive in the UK with nothing more than instructions to work to feed his family at the age of 16.

Looking even further back... When my Grandfather was 29 he had alreat been a father 3 times over. He had left his native home and travelled by boat for a month in order to reach England where he had to find his way to his friend in Jersey. He could not speak English and there were no mobile phones. When he was 29 he was in a business partnership with his friends and they owned 3 businesses and my grandfather also had his own business too.

From feeling a sense of success I look back and I feel humbled and an underachiever. If I go forward another 29 years.... my grandfather at the age of 58 had been a grandfather 9 times over. He was already close to retiring and he has established a steady income from rent for life. He goes about his day doing gardening, playin mah jong and visiting family and friends.

My father... he is only 56 so has another 2 years before living the second 29 year cycle, semi retired when he was 48. He afforded private education for both my brother and I. He has owned 14 Mercedes Benz only one of which was second hand. He has properties in London, HK, China, Macau and Taiwan. His elder son has a Bachelors degree and a Masters degree and works in a software company. His younger son owns his own business thanks to financial backing from our parents. My father has finished the mortgage on our 5 bedroom house worth over £500k....

The question I wonder is how far will I get in life after another 29 years. I have been brought up around success. Yet what can I demonstrate as success of my own?

Even my mum's youngest brother is demonstrating extraordinary acheivement and success and he is only 40. I can remember when he was 29 and was merely working as a consultant at DataMonitor in London. He had been married for a couple of years, he was a father, and he had finished his Ph. D. not long ago. 11 years later he is the CEO of a £75million pharmaceutical company who has just bought out the company he used to work for and is now the boss of his previous employer....

I still have my chances and to be perfectly honest, I am well within my capabilities to exceed those around me. I just need to drive myself and make it happen.... which leads me onto Patience..

Patience. It is something our parents and our grandparents have. It is also the reason they have been so successful. Yes, the era we live in is faster paced with technology aiding the speed of business exponetially. But at all times, we need to be patient. Nothing happens overnight and everything takes time. Time which we, the next generation, do not have. We want things done yesterday. We EXPECT money to fall from trees. The reality is I have been very fortunate to come from a family whose success has brought wealth. I could be a lazy bastard and not work for the rest of my life and I would not starve. But I choose to earn my crust. It's my life and I am in control of it. But within that control, time is something I have not grasped until recently. At 29 years of age, I own my own car, a house and a flat. I still live with my parents as a means of reducing costs and I spend my money on crap most of the time... but recently I have improved. Firstly I have stopped smoking. and secondly I am not spending money on my girlfriend!

If I had been patient 10 years ago and taken my time, worked my way up in a steady job, I would probably be on £50-60K per annum as opposed to £20-30K I am on now! I would be living in my own house and possibly renting out a second too. In fact I would probably be in a better postion than I am in now! But alas I had no patience and I had my fun instead. I do not regret what I have done, but I know what I should have done and what I would do if I could do it again. In this day and age the reason why more and more of our generation are living at home is because we are immature. We have not grown up into real men. We talk as though we know the world, but at 20 years of age it's better to listen and take note of what people say. Work hard and you will be rewarded. Take on responsibility early and you will grow. Be patient and everything you want will become yours... money, house, car and family...

Family... yesterday my friend became a father for the first time. He is 30 years old and yesterday he lost 18 years of his life. He will probably go on to lose a few more years once a second child arrives, but he has to take responsibility now and for the rest of his life.

His baby son, Ethan, appeared in our world at 11.15am Tuesday 30th January 2007, weighing in at 8lbs 13oz. I saw him earlier tody and he was a fit and healthy baby. And in 18 years time he will be as big as me....

Time is passing us by. I have 29 years to match my father's acheivement as well as my grandfathers. I have 29 years to become a father and raise children of my own. 29 years is a long time to me as it is my entire lifetime right now. But after 29 more years will I get another 29? Will I reach 87 years old? It's time to make things count and do things that matter. But I have to know that this will take time and more importantly patience... good things will come to those who wait.

I am waiting..... but helping things along with a little push! ;)

Sad news....

2007-01-25T23:08:00.000Z

Something happened for a third time in my life today. Someone I had a direct relationship with died. It was a girl I worked with, she was in a car accident. It really hit home and brought back memories of my grandfather.

It was only yesterday that I was talking and joking with her yet today and forever more I will not speak to her again. The office went eerily silent when we got told the news. No one knew what to say or do.

But life goes on and we still have a job to do, and by the afternoon people were trying to get back on top of things. Although we all knew it was a very sad day.

Tonight I went kick boxing again. I gave it my all because I am still alive. I can still achieve something. It is a shame it takes death for us to appreciate life, yet in a few days time this will all be in the darkest of our memories and we again start taking things for granted.

There have been things I have wanted to say to someone for a while now. It seemed appropriate to say it today. But I bailed out. I was still afraid. I knew I had to take my chances in life and today we a prime example, but I failed due to fear. Fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of the outcome… I was afraid.

I do not fear death yet I am afraid to speak. I do not fear pain yet I am afraid to be humiliated. I fear no one yet I am afraid of myself.

My last few words I want to offer my sympathies and condolences. I know it means very little at this moment in time. I hope that everyone affected will remember her for all the happiness she brought to their lives and that she may live on their thoughts.

RIP Claire Rooney.

Who am I?

2007-01-21T21:58:00.000Z

Obviously I know who I am. But who am I in your mind? What do I represent in your head?

I would love to know what people think about me dus to something a friend said to me last night. It was someone I had known for many many years now. Someone I see more often indirectly through other friends usually. But last night I spent an evening out with him and some others and when I was driving him home he said I was much more open and laid back than he thought. He always assumed i was a serious person who had the occasional laugh, but generally too things very seriously.

It makes me wonder how I come across to people in general. I know people are far too polite to be rude, but I'm a big guy, I can take it. Be brutally honest, or lie through your keyboards! I wouldn't know either way!

Looking forward to seeing some 'interesting' feedback... I hope!

It's good to talk....

2007-01-18T00:05:00.000Z

Talking has always been something I struggled with. I find it difficult to open up and talk to people in most cases and it's often because I don't feel like people want to hear about my story. I guess it's because I find it boring. I finished work last night and I sat in my room. My brother had gone out to meet some friends, my mum was downstairs watching TV and my dad is still in HK.

I had nothing to do. I was BORED. I could have gone out to the driving range, but I didn't. I could have gone to visit my relatives, but I didn't. I could have done many productive things, but I jst sat there being bored! LOL It's just ridiculous! In the end I just went to sleep early, but that also meant I woke up early too! Just because my body is used to living off 6 hours sleep.

Anyway, tonight I was prepared to be bored again, go through the motion of doing nothing! But I got a surprise call and my night was lost amongst talk of love, life, death, laughter, past, future, family, EVERYTHING! It has been a long long time since I have had a conversation like this! Because it was so random and I had nothing to do, I just opened myself up and let out some of my frustrations. It was nice... thanks for the call! I don't know when it will happen again or how often, but it was nice to talk.

The week has gone by very quickly and I can't beleive its Thursday tomorrow! The weekend is looking interesting and the week after it will be pay day! I think I over did the Xmas spending...

A new start....

2007-01-15T22:16:00.000Z

Some people may have been following my life on Xanga and are probably wondering why I have moved. Well, the simple reason is that I felt a change in my life. My Xanga name and look of the page wasn't me any more.

I wanted a fresh start and I have it here.

One of the most significant changes is the quitting of smoking. I have been a smoker of 10 years and now is the time to stop. To be honest I never should have started, but you lose your girlfriend you start to self destruct at that age. I can't use that as an excuse now!

I am turning 30 this year. A bit of a milestone. Many people are still telling me how young I am, but I am not young, nor am I old, I am going to be 30 years old and thats just that. I have been alive for 30 years. It is a long time, and I am grateful to have met some wonderful people in my lifetime. Unfortunately some have also left my life, through personal choice, through my lack of communication or through death. But every person I have met has left an impression that makes me who I am today.

The lst 10 years of my life have been very much a time of wandering in both respects of thought and location. I have been neither here nor there in any particular job, and my focus on life was firmly pointed towards one person. Only in the last 18 months have I managed to find myself again.

As a 19 year old, I was fit and healthy. I had ambition, I had drive and I had time on my side. But this all dwindled away and I became lazy, unresposive, moody and always looking to place blame. As a 29 year old I feel rejuvenated. I have rediscovered my drive, my ambitions but time has moved on and I need to do some catching up.

To be honest the position I am in is pretty good. I have completed a MBA, I have two houses rented out, I have a decent job with potential, I have a supportive and loving family and most importantly I have my health. I guess with each step of success I am still looking to find the one piece missing from my puzzle... but the puzzle is forever growing and even if this one piece appears, I will be put into a position where a new piece is needed. I will just have to be patient!

I don't really know how many of my friends will read this because they all exist in other blogging circles. But if you do find your way here, please leave me a message. That would be much appreciated.